Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Crust Stations

This bad ass weather data collection station/monument to science and technology is located on the Mesa/Delta County lines on Highway 50 in Western Colorado. I stopped the Flipmobile right in the sight line of the middle camera angle . . .

for a good 14 minutes hoping that my image would appear on cotrip.org, which is, all in all, one heck of a fine website. Not only that, but friend/consultant to FKS Sammy Soda was on standby to capture the image permanently via the "print screen" button on his keyboard. Alas, it was not to be.

It's my fault. I was anxious to get back on the road as I had to meet with my chief mountain weather spotter (which is what I'd want my Native American chief name to be) in Vail for beers and intensive discussion regarding the chances of various football teams around the country . . . as well as the snow conditions on Vail mountain (which I'm told are marginal). But as I drove off I thought about how weird it was that this weather station sits at the top of a hill in an otherwise barren and dusty landscape in what many call The Stinking Desert. I'm amazed that it even works given the climate. I am fascinated by its very existence. But I'm glad it's there. I give a tip of the cap to CDOT for keeping an eye on oft-forgotten Western Colorado.

But then I also thought that not so long ago, there were probably people wandering around the very same spot trying to figure out what to kill for their next meal. People who lived off the land and were in tune with nature . . . because they had to be. Those folks would have made killer meteorologists. Experience, familiarity and true necessity beats a computer model like a rented mule any day of the week in my opinion. Sabine wouldn't have lasted a night.

So the dream to have my image captured on a Department of Transportation traffic camera and also get a screen shot of said picture remains just that. But after seeing the work of FKS reader and roving weather spotter Johnny Gnomez, I think you'll agree that nothing is impossible . . . if you try. You'll recall that a month and a half ago, I issued a challenge and promised booze or Mexican food or both if one of you got a photo of lascivious behavior involving the city's new official weather monitoring station. Well, we've got our first entry. Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . don't get too excited and just scroll down the page to look at the photos . . . they are (sadly) safe for work. But that definitely doesn't diminish their sheer excellence. Have a look:

Presumably before his first full body scan at airport security

Mr. Gnomez describes this photo as the spot where the official Denver weather station stood for the past 15 years (much to my chagrin). And I think I should disclose that he sent this picture to me well before that fellow tried to activate his testicle bomb on the plane from Amsterdam to Detroit the other day. I'm fairly certain that if you go out to DIA tomorrow and snap photos of a garden gnome (who is raising his glass and sitting on a barrel of what I presume is whiskey) with the mighty blue mustang, you're going to quickly find yourself on the wrong end of some strenuous questioning by serious people wearing mostly black. Timing is everything.

Here she is . . . in all her glory. *Sniffs air* Smells like new weather station! This beauty, says Mr. Gnomez, is in the middle of City Park Golf Course near hole number 12 - just south of Adams & 26th. Wait a second. They spend all this dough on a fancy new official weather monitoring station and then stick it smack dab in the middle of a municipal golf course? That is a recipe for disaster. Some serious drinking followed by the desire to destroy things is generally what occurs on muni courses. I should know. I think it stems from the frustration of the slow pace of play, but I always like to blame my poor golf game, temper and alcoholism on outside factors and not myself.

That's neither here nor there. People are definitely going to hit golf balls at the weather station and I find that both worrisome and amusing. I'm also wondering if I'm going to be able to resist the urge to dent this beautiful piece of machinery the next time I'm out there. I'll let you know how it goes when the snow clears.

And here is the coup de grace. Go ahead and check out the last of those bulleted points . . . just to the right of the boozing garden gnome's left shin. That's right, it's Mike "The Tornado Dance" Nelson. He is the sole meteorologist being thanked for his support of this new weather station. This means the ban of Channel 7 (aka denverchannel.com) is officially off. Mike cares about us, dammit, and he's the only one. Apparently Kathy, whom I'm pretty sure took the chief meteorologist job from Mr. Nelson at 9News, didn't really care about having an official weather station closer to town. For shame.

But let's not dwell on the negative. Let's congratulate Mike for his incredible foresight and passion . . . and for his magical "Tornado Dance":

Mike Nelson's Torndao Dance

Char | MySpace Video

And I would also like to take a moment to thank Johnny Gnomez for an incredible effort. You went above, beyond and to DIA to capture the entire weather station saga. I am completely stunned by your dedication to the cause. You're carrying a lot of good karma with you into 2010, and that's never a bad thing. Bravo, sir.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2010 takes you into her bosom and nurtures you completely. I also hope that there are a lot of big storms.

Raising my glass of cheap champagne,

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

A Peek Over Them Hills

I've always enjoyed the line in Jimmy Buffett's song "Incommunicado" that goes: On the day that John Wayne died/I found myself on the Continental Divide . . . Tell me where do I go from here/Guess I'll ride into Leadville and have a few beers. I have been hoping for many years now that a celebrity I respect dies on a day when I happen to be traversing America's rugged divider and that I could head in to Leadville and have a few beers in their honor. Alas, I've had no such luck.

Today was no exception . . . at least that I'm aware of. I guess I could've gone into Leadville and reflected on all that Brittany Murphy gave to us, but that probably wouldn't have taken longer than a shot of Jagermeister.

But Kim Peek is a completely different story. That's a fellow whom one could probably sit at a bar and reflect upon until one could no longer operate a motor vehicle. The dude knew every zip code in the country yet couldn't even dress himself. If you told him the date you were born, he could tell you what day of the week it was and possibly the last meal your mom ate before she delivered you into this wacky, spinning ball we call earth. They say there is no one like him in recorded history. That means Jesus didn't even have his skills. Think about that come Friday.

Anyway . . . supposedly there is a snow storm rolling it's way into Denver at this moment. I wouldn't know as I am 280 miles away. Where I am it is foggy and cold . . . like a good stein of beer. But from the looks of things, some inclement weather is indeed hitting the Mile High:

I'm not going to do a full throttle rundown of all the predictions, because they seem to be all over the place. Last I saw 9News was only committing to 1-3 inches by Wednesday afternoon and 4-8 total. Channel 4 was a little more optimistic with a 5-10 inch forecast by the time things are all said and done . . . which should be about the time Wapner comes on Thursday.

Travel safe you crazy bastards.

Love Always,

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Negative 565 Degrees (Fahrenheit I Assume)

So . . . just how cold was it over the past couple of days? Well, according to 9News, as cold as the surface of Mars. Negative 565 degrees as of Wednesday morning (click the image for a better view):

Monday, December 7, 2009

Backstreet's Back

Where are your fucking gloves, Libby? But yes, the ring is very nice.

My weather blogging is coming under fire from critics far and wide . . . and rightly so. Somehow I failed to notice that local meteorological icon Nick "The Occluded Front" Carter ended up moving over to Fox. This happened in June! If you recall, Captain Carter was unceremoniously dropped, like hot puke off a rest stop toilet (*plagiarizing Jeff Johnson*), from 9News back in January for monetary reasons. I thought then, and still do now, that Altieri had something to do with it. But I can't prove that . . . yet. Regardless, Carter is a seasoned veteran and and a good pick-up for Fox . . . at least according to the comments left on a story announcing his switch:

Nice to hear that Nick Carter is back – pilots are great weather forecasters. Nick’s sense of humor has been missed since Channel 9 made the big mistake of letting him go!

Comment by Jen J

So glad to see more of Nick Carter on Fox31 weather. He’s one of the best Denver has ever had. Channel 9 made a big mistake letting him go. I hope he stays in Denver the rest of his career.

Comment by Evergreen Grandma

In Scottsbluff, NE we get two Denver channels on our cable. I watch #2 because of Nick Carter. He is the best weatherman and I like his calmness in bad weather situations.

Comment by E J

Hey what happened between Nick Carter and the anchor on last nights broadcast, he didnt know that camera’s were back on and he told Nick Carter he didnt have a future??????

Comment by Ted S

I think it's clear that Nick is well regarded amongst the elderly, Nebraskans and pilots. And if you stop and think about it for a second, you'll realize that these are the folks most respected in the meteorological community. Why? Because pilots have to understand the weather so they don't kill themselves; Nebraskans who are up at 5:30AM probably farm and greatly depend on weather forecasts; and old people have been around long enough to know who's full of shit and who knows their weather. If I was Nick, I'd be pumped. I'll admit I have a soft spot in my otherwise cold, black heart for Nick. He seems earnest and steady, like the music of Ryan Bingham. And I think his fat man's hat is good shit.

But what about his forecast? Well, like everybody else, he said it's going to be as frosty as Tiger's marriage today. He also said to expect some heavier snow between 1 and 4 in the morning. I just had a look (1:30AM) and can confirm that is snowing, albeit lightly. It's also eight degrees, breezy and painful out there.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment and give a Mile High Salute to the Barrel Man (aka Tim McKernan), who sadly passed on to the great unknown Saturday. He was the president de facto of Broncos Country and will be sorely missed. He was awesome in so many ways . . . this being one of them:

And if you're going to the Broncos game on Sunday the 20th, see if you can't get yourself a barrel to wear in tribute.

Roll out the barrels . . . we'll have a barrel of fun,

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Scary Cold

Kath feigns amazement in her snow attracting outfit

Wow . . . my video capture equipment is down so this is all I can share from tonight's forecast by the Matron Saint. It was bizarre to say the least. Not so much the actual forecast - she's pretty robotic when it comes to reading teleprompters and pointing at maps - it was the playful banter with the anchors that was creepy. The photo above was taken right after she said, "Hey, it's still fall." Then she held that odd grin for a few seconds while Adele Arakawa made mention of looking forward to the 20s. Then Kath started giggling and saying something about how weird it was that Adele would say that before blurting out, "Fall in Colorado!"

I'm not doing a good job of describing the interaction, but believe me, it was strange. It reminded me of a party I attended a few weeks ago. This gal was virtually passed out in the host's bed due to, apparently, too many shots. All of the sudden, she sprung to life and ran into the living room where she performed an incredibly detailed (and sexy) dance routine involving a chair and the late Michael Jackson's music. To the complete shock of everyone in the room, she absolutely nailed it. When the song ended, she bowed and then staggered back into the bedroom and passed out (and yes, I left her alone . . . get your minds out of the gutter). That's essentially what this forecast was like.

Anyway, Sabine said there's going to be a dusting to an inch of snow in the early morning hours which should make for another awesome commute. I can't wait. Also, the temperature should top out in the mid teens. Be thankful you're not homeless.

Early AM Report

It's rough out there. I just made an in-person weather observation from the spotter's tower on the grounds of temporary FKS headquarters and can confirm that it is indeed wicked . . . strong winds, stinging snow and some awfully cold air. Is it as cold as a witch's tit? I don't think so. Not yet. But we're definitely headed in that direction. Be prepared, Old Man Winter's going to try and kick you in the teeth when you walk out that door tomorrow. Take the necessary precautions. Or don't. I really don't care either way. But good luck to you.

- Flip

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Cold Blast For Dat Ass

Here's 124-pound Ashton Altieri doing his best to hold up the "E" in Denver

What's up, chuckleheads? Have you been enjoying this run of sensuous sunshine and air temperatures that are consistently warmer than an Orangutan's armpit? I hope you made the most of it, because Old Man Winter's making a run down from Canada in a rusty 1974 Chevy C10 and should be arriving any minute. He'll be wearing head-to-toe denim and he's got a payload full of ball-shrinking and nipple-erecting cold air. He's also drunk and smells like your underwear after a three day camping trip. Get him inside quick . . . before the neighbors see.

Altieri said last night to expect three inches (of snow) here in Denver. Coniglio has tweaked that slightly today saying 1-3 tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow.

Stacey Donaldson, whom I'm falling deeply in love with, is a little more pessimistic, claiming that we're only going to see a couple of inches, tops. It's like she made that forecast by looking down my pants.

Dave Fraser, like Tiger Woods, is not getting into specifics and is saying 2-4 inches across "The Foothills, Front Range and Eastern Plains." That sounds like a country song. Cheetahtoes . . . get on it.

Weather.com says 1-3 inches tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow . . . which is exactly what Coniglio said. Plagiarism is all the rage these days I guess. But who ripped off whom?

Tony Laubach over at Channel 7, whose title says he's a weather producer/storm chaser, pens a pretty decent forecast. For the most part, it's detailed yet concise. However, he uses exclamation points at the same rate as a 16-year-old girl, which is kind of weird. He also has a pretty bad ass weather blog. But before we get too smitten with this fellow, I should note that not only is he a Redskins fan, but he's quite obviously a Broncos hater. To wit, here's what he said after attending the Broncos/Redskins game a few weeks ago: "But the best part of the win was to return home to Denver and enjoy the happiness in everyone’s misery AND to watch a bunch of over-confident Broncos fans eat a ton of crow."

Well, I'm all for supporting your team and talking a little shit, but this is too much. This asshole presumably lives and works in our fine town and is just way too enthusiastic about the misery of its citizens caused by a team owned by a fascist dickweed. His vitriol will not stand, man. I encourage all seven of my readers to hereby boycott Channel 7 (aka thedenverchannel.com) and tell everyone you know to do the same. And if you see this guy out on the streets, go ahead and fart on him. Here's what he looks like (warning: it's not pretty):

Get out of Broncos Country, sir - your kind is not wanted here.

Friday, November 20, 2009

I Got Your Measurement Right Here (*chops at crotch*)

Sorry about the lack of follow-up on the last snowstorm. I went to a house-warming party Saturday night and enjoyed myself. The cab ride home was heavy on talk about soccer and surprisingly light on fear for my own life considering my cab driver was from Africa and has only been in this country for seven months (and no snow storms). I mistakenly gave him two 20s for a 13 dollar fare. He gave me three dollars change . . . probably not by mistake.

I don't know . . . the storm was pretty awesome, but what can I say? None of the forecasters were really wrong, but that's not difficult when you're predicting 6-12 inches of snow. You give yourself six inches, you'll take a mile or a prostitution rap . . . right? Is that gross? I don't know. I measured precisely 8.12 inches of snow outside of the new and improved FKS Laboratory just southeast of Denver University. I used individual packages of stringed cheese (or should it be string cheese?) to measure. Times are rough. Anyway, here's the only photo I shot:

Saturday, November 14, 2009

The Main Event

So there you go . . . whip up a batch of chili, put on your Snuggie(TM) and sip your whiskey, we got ourselves a nice little snow event headed our way.

Speaking of snow, Altieri was dead wrong on his forecast last night, but now there's no way I can prove it because 9News changed the link in the below post to today's forecast. Those sneaky bastards! I guess I'm going to have to start doing screen shots for Altieri's predictions because it seems obvious that someone over there is trying to protect him. Why? I have no idea. We'll have to explore some theories at a later date.

But I do have a new hero. His name is Kirby Kuklenski and owns an Ace Hardware store here in Denver. This is what Mr. Kuklenski said that made me respect him so:

"I do not think people put that much stock in the weatherman."

Amen, brother.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Round Two? Spooky Friday the 13th Predictions and a New Weather Station

Thursday, October 29, 2009 - Historic Lower Downtown Denver, Colorado

Something's going on . . . but I'm not sure anybody quite knows what it is. As I write this at 4:46PM MST (12:46AM CET), a wintery mix is falling at a nice pace. I just took to the streets to do some observation but it was cold, so I opted for a hot, relaxing steam over at the local health club. Now I want a beer. And a gal to cozy up with.

Anyway, I'm not sure anyone really knows how much it's going to snow, but here are some of the predictions from the folks you know and love:

9News . . . Altieri, who may or may not dress up in a Peter Pan outfit and prance about Civic Center Park every Friday the 13th, is calling for four inches of snow tonight (Friday) and then a break followed by 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. He's very non-commital, however . . . just like your girlfriend.

National Weather Service via Denver Post - They're saying it's a Winter Storm Watch, with between 6-12 inches expected by Sunday (most of it falling Saturday afternoon through Sunday). They're really not saying anything about tonight, probably because they're lazy. I respect that. And someone really should come up with or buy me a winter storm watch for my wrist. That would make me pretty god damned happy. Maybe it can be part of the infamous Jim Cantore line of products.

News4 . . . Stacey Donaldson, whose liberal use of librarian spectacles always leads to high pressure systems developing in my pants, directly contradicts Altieri's prediction of four inches tonight by saying there will be no accumulation. Oooooooh . . . a cat fight. (*spitting, hissing sounds*).

Fox31 . . . Dave Fraser, a meteoroligst I'm totally unfamiliar with since I don't think I've ever seen him on television, splits Altieri and Donaldson right down the middle (he wishes). He's calling for 1-4 inches tonight, mainly on your grassy areas . . . and then 6-12 for round two tomorrow night into Sunday.

7News . . . Boring. No attribution, little to no accumulation tonight and the standard issue 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. Very disappointing.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to feel vindicated. My main man Gaguilera reports that people finally pulled their heads out of their asses and built another official weather monitoring station closer to Denver. If you recall, all official weather measurements since 1995 have been taken at Denver International Airport, 20-some miles from the city center. If you also recall, I was outraged by this:

That is complete and utter bullshit in my humble estimation. How does such a thing make sense? Especially with all measurements before 1995 occurring a scant seven miles from the city (at the old Stapleton airport)? Our climatology records are going to be more twisted than the psychological records of Jon & Kate's eight kids in 30 years. There's no continuity and that just can't be a good thing. Studying the climate is all based on static measurements - not switching the location by 20 miles every so often. Damn it!

Color me excited. I hope to get some video up of me pelvic thrusting this new machine soon. In the meantime, if any of you very attractive FKS weather spotters happen to be over by City Park golf course, try to get a picture of this device . . . I'm not too satisfied with the one in the

Better yet, take a picture of you doing something lewd/awesome with the machine and get it to me for publication. There will be a prize for the best photo taken. That prize will likely be either Mexican food or booze or both.

OK . . . stay safe, warm and wet this weekend and if you FKS weather spotters can put down the bottle for 10 minutes, let's try and get some measurement photos, OK? OK.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Somebody Light a Match

It's been snowing for 52 consecutive hours at this point in time. Fifty two hours. I'm pretty sure that both papal conclaves and wars have transpired in less time. Fifty two hours is how long it took Maurice Garin to win the Paris-Brest-Paris bike race back in 1901. Two years later he won the first Tour de France. In 1904, he won again but was stripped of the title after being accused of cheating. Some things never change. But holy shit was cycling awesome back then. Listen to this:

A bunch of fanatics wielded sticks and shouted insults, setting on the other riders: Maurice and César Garin got a succession of blows, the older brother [Maurice] was hit in the face with a stone. Soon there was general mayhem: "Up with Faure! Down with Garin! Kill them!" they were shouting. Finally cars arrived and the riders could get going thanks to pistol shots. The aggressors disappeared into the night.

Misbehaviour was rife too between riders and nine were thrown out during the race for, among other things, riding in or being pulled by cars . . . Stories spread of riders spreading tacks on the road to delay rivals with punctures, of riders being poisoned by each other or by rival fans. Lucien Petit-Breton said he complained to an official that he had seen a rival hanging on to a motorcycle, only to have the cheating rider pull out a revolver.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't miss a tenth of a second of the Tour de France if this kind of thing was still going on. That's the kind of cheating I can get behind . . . good old fashioned tacks to the tires and beatings from the crowd. That's much more respectable than abusing testosterone or blood doping. They don't gain advantages like they used to (*lazily wags finger . . . pokes you in the chest*).

You know who still delivers like he always has? Ronnie F'in Cheetahtoes, that's who. Take a look at this, sir:

I think we can all agree that a totem pole of Modelo cans in a cross section of snow really tells the story of this storm in a very compelling way. This should be the official unit of measurement going forward for all meteorologists. Forget arbitrary measurement terms like "inches" and "feet," tell us how much snow we're going to get in Modelo cans. That's the kind of thing that will always resonate with us common folk, regardless of our origin. You are a visionary, Mr. Cheetahtoes.

And hey, if booze isn't your thing and you would prefer a measurement alternative, Mr. Cheetahtoes has you covered:

As always, Ronnie, well played. Needless to say, this effort has shot you right to the top of the FKS MVWS (Most Valuable Weather Spotter) watch list for the 2009-2010 season. Your move to Johnstown has done nothing to alter your dedication to the cause and we here at FKS can not thank you enough.

And the ceramic French debutantes really tied this post together, did they not?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:

This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.


Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Something's Happening

Time Stamp: 11:37Pm - 10/27/09

As you can almost see, the mountains remain blue even after this delicious bottle of Coors Light(TM), which was brewed with water from a crisp mountain spring, sat outside for approximately 2.5 hours. This obviously means that the air temperature is cold enough and the moisture content high enough to deliver some icy dandriff to the Mile High City. It also means someone didn't finish their beer. Normally I would frown upon that, but I think this will prove to be a good measuring stick for this snow storm.

But that's neither here nor there. The trivia team finished second and earned 20 SoBro bucks which, as of right now, is trading at 1.21 against the dollar. You can buy a lot of guláš for 20 Sobro bucks, so it was a good evening. There were no weather-related questions.

That doesn't mean the weather didn't play a factor, however. There was much rumbling in this hockey bar when the heavy precipitation knocked out the satellite feed of the Avs 3-0 victory over the Edmonton Oilers. It made me think that any sports bar worth its salt better have at least one cable feed.

Anyway, it's snowing. And the intensity only seems to be . . . intensifying. It's a good thing we have a battery of meteorologists ready to tell us how much of this snow we will see. Let's run down the prediction list, shall we?

9News -
In all, the Denver area, especially the west and south sides of town, could see 8 to 14 inches of snow. Foothills locations, including Estes Park out to the Continental Divide, could see 10 to 18 inches of snow by Thursday afternoon.

News 4 - In Colorado, 8 to 14 inches is forecast for the Front Range and 5 to 10 inches in the Denver area. Up to 2 feet is possible in the northern Colorado Front Range foothills and the Laramie Range in southeast Wyoming. (Ed. Note - the entire text of this story/prediction is very Wyoming-centric. Ask yourself: Why is Ed Greene focusing so intently on Wyoming? Once you get the answer, let me know.)

Channel 7
- Mike Nelson gives the grim news . . . Your Wednesday morning commute should be slow, but manageable, but Wednesday night's commute and Thursday morning's commute could get ugly.It looks like accumulations could be in the 6 to 12 inch range for the metro area, with 12-24 inches possible in the foothills and higher elevations along the Front Range. (Ed. Note - Mike Nelson loves a wide birth - he gives himself so much room for error that this shouldn't even count as a prediction.)

Fox 31 - The Front Range and northern I-25 corridor is expected to receive 6 -12" of snow by Thursday afternoon. Denver's south and west suburbs, including Highlands Ranch, Parker and Castle Rock, along with the western foothills, can expect 10 - 20".

Time stamp: 12:48AM - 10/28/09

Weather.gov - Wednesday: Snow and areas of blowing snow. The snow could be heavy at times. High near 30. North northwest wind between 11 and 15 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible. Wednesday Night: Snow and areas of blowing snow. Low around 23. North northwest wind between 8 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible.

- Cloudy with snow. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Snow accumulating 4 to 6 inches.

Unlike a septum, no one's really deviating. Check back tomorrow to see how close these sissies are. The Coors Light bottle will not lie. Good night and good snow.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? He's Currently Sitting on the Can.

Alright, alright, alright . . . things are looking good. The excitement and thirst for dark beer is palpable. A steady rain has already begun to fall, the wind is howling, and the dew point is moist. It's all pointing toward a glorious event. At least I hope. Mainly because I'd like the day off of work. Anyway, I have a game of bar trivia to attend, so I'll update all forecasts later tonight. Possible trivia team names include: The Donkey Show, Sabine's Savants or Pumpkins and Blumpkins. And if you want to buy old Flip a beer, you can do so by venturing over to SoBro 151. There will also be hockey.

Old Man Winter Takes an Early Dump?

Uh oh . . . time to signal a white alert to all FKS weather spotters (*holds bottle of bourbon high in the air*). Get your supplies together before midnight, because we got ourselves a good ole' fashioned early WINTER STORM WARNING on our hands. More to come later.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Gaguilera Calls His Shot

Snow, you bastards. SNOW! Pucker your butts, dig out your finest North Face(TM) gear and prepare to head to your local Pho establishment. Gaguilera is predicting the worst . . . and he's doing it by writing the way he talks. I don't have the skill or the mental capacity (I drank an excessive amount of infused vodka tonight at Красная площадь . . . which means Red Square for all of you non Russians), but I'm going to try and break down Gaguilera's forecast in an FJM manner. It's my first time, so be gentle:

A cold front will swing through the state Saturday night into Sunday and it looks like it will be a snow-maker for the Front Range.

Fair enough . . . I'm always down for some moisture. I wish it wasn't occurring on the day I planned on moving, but shit, that's the way ball bounces sometimes, eh?

At this point here is the weather scenario.

That was a sentence . . . no foolin' (or colon). It sounds better if you read it in a robot voice.

Rain mixed with snow develops overnight Saturday into Sunday.

Boom. There it is. And he's right. As of 1:54AM Sunday, it is raining. But will it switch to snow like you switched from beer to liquor tonight?

By Sunday morning some higher areas like Castle Rock over to Elizabeth down to Monument Hill, may have 1 to 2 inches on the ground.

The comma after "Hill" strikes me as odd. No pause is necessary . . . even if you're talking out loud, right?

There will be little to no accumulation in the Denver metro area.

Good to hear . . . although I imagine it's going to be muddy/leafy. That's always a pain in the ass when you're moving. I hope all of you who plan on sitting on your couches all day eating wings, drinking beer and enjoying professional football do not take for granted how good you have it.

During the day on Sunday colder air and more moisture will push over the Front Range giving the area a better chance for accumulating snow.

Duly noted.

Between 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. here is what I am expecting around the area.

Again, this is a sentence that a person who works in the media wrote . . . verbatim. Now, I'm not saying that the weather folk are journalists, because that's unfair. They're pseudo-scientists at their very best and terrible psychics at their worst. But you'd think Gaguilera would have an editor to review his work before it hits the web and add the punctuation necessary for a proper forecast. Anyway, on to what he expects in this five hour window tonight:

In metro Denver and Boulder up to around 6,000 feet there may be 2 to 5 inches of snow.

From 5,280 feet to 6,000 feet there might be between two and five inches of snow between six and eleven in the evening. Mark it, dude.

Above 6,000 feet into the foothills, along the Palmer Divide and into Jefferson and Park Counties there could be 3 to 7 inches of snow by 11 pm Sunday night.

Way to, finish strong Dave.

I'm too tired/lazy/drunk to look up any other forecasts, so I'll trust you to do that on your own.


UPDATE: There was no snow. Gaguilera immediately goes to the bottom of the forthcoming "Denver Meteorologist Power Rankings Presented by Blizzak(TM)"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Chip Off the Old Rocktober

Hello everyone. How in the hell are you? Well I hope. I mean that. I know I've been gone awhile and, shucks, I think you can plainly see what I've been up to: making time with my best gal Kath and showing her my acclaimed baby arm.

Mmmm . . . what a beautiful summer day that was. We had ourselves a little picnic on the banks of a stream that feeds the mighty Cache La Poudre River or, more simply, the Poudre la Cache. What do you think Kath likes at a picnic? Go on, guess? Cheese and crackers and a cheap bottle of champagne you say? I wish. No sir, Kath is a refined woman who prefers foie gras with grilled asparagus accompanied by a 1986 Chteau Mouton Rothschild Pauillic and some Vivaldi. Class, ladies & gents. Pure class. And expensive.

Anyway, a photographer happened by during our playful time in the meadow and demanded a photograph of such a beautiful, powerful couple. Obviously we obliged. And I think you will agree that it is a striking image. But will this magical summer of exploration and butterfly kisses translate into a warm autumn/winter/early spring relationship between myself and the auburn-haired purveyor of red umbrellas? Only time will tell, gentle reader.

I should mention that she and her posse are predicting a little of the white stuff around here starting a few hours from now and maybe reappearing on Sunday. The way they make it sound, it won't be anything serious. Go ahead and keep doing what you planned on doing. This "storm" seems to be the equivalent of the 9News Weather Team's(TM) preseason intrasquad scrimmage. I hope nobody pulls a hammy.

Bottom line, it's going to be a tad chilly around these parts for the next few days. If you should run into me at either of the games this weekend, buy me a hot chocolate, won't you? And put some peppermint schnapps in there, OK? Four big globs.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sleepless in Seattle

At 7:05PM MDT on Wednesday, July the 29th, aught nine, it is 101 degrees in Seattle, Washington. It is 55 degrees in Denver, Colorado . . . and raining. Sweet fucking Sasquatch that's weird to me. So is your mom.

How come "Harry and the Hendersons" never gets any play on the tee vee anymore? Couldn't TBS or TNT run it on a Saturday afternoon for my amusement? That was a damn fine film. Some of Lithgow's best work. But the real story is Kevin Peter Hall, the dude that played Harry in the film. He also played the Predator in both Predator 1 and 2. That, my friends, is an awesome film career. But Jesus, what a way to go:
He was in a major car accident in Los Angeles. During surgery for his critical wounds, he received a contaminated blood transfusion. He died shortly thereafter of AIDS.
Whelp, have a good night. And if you don't, just think of those poor bastards in the Pacific Northwest who have no air conditioning and the constant threat of Sasquatch on their minds.

Friday, March 27, 2009

And The Award For Most Valuable Weather Spotter(s) Goes To . . .

No surprise here, it's Billy Axelrod and Ronnie Cheetahtoes. Both men will receive the highly coveted UFO Umbrella Caps in honor of their bravery, courage and creativity under extreme meteorological duress:
But their heroism pales in comparison to the manimal Ronnie Cheetahtoes used in his official snow measurement photo:

I do not know this individual, whom I will call the Abominable Snow Ostrich until I get a real alias, but I salute him for risking hypothermia, pneumonia and severe head rush for the FKS cause. The bourbon's on me next time I'm up north, pal. Not the cheap shit either, only the best for the man who created the single greatest snow measurement photo of all time. Brav-fuckin-o, sir. Brav-fucking-o.

God that's awesome. You're not going to see this kind of effort and intensity out of any of the National Weather Service's weather spotters, I'll tell you that much. Those pansies march around in expensive snow suits with their fancy metal poles and then, when they're done measuring, they run back inside to drink hot chocolate and pee sitting down. Not FKS weatherspotters. They are made of molten steel and dull razor blades.

Anyway, Mr. Cheetahtoes official measurement somewhere on 1st Ave. in Greeley was 8.5 inches of snow.

Mr. Cheetahtoes's colleague and fellow LPGA fan Billy Axelrod also got busy with the measuring and sent in the following report:

"Based upon my previous experience in meteorological data collection I have provided to FKS the following photos: A picture of a corporate cafeteria plastic lunch fork generally used to stir up the wretched 3-day old pasta that consumes the office microwave and then spreads throughout the office slowly. It is then that this dolt of a human being sits down directly across from my personal space and eats this filth where it then leaks out of his pores and will forever stick to the fabric that lines my cubicle. Having said that I used the fork to show the shear power of this storm and what accumulation in CO should look like.

"The other photo is a measurement using a standard made in America Westcott ruler. Westcott has been making these little bad boys since 1872. Sham-on. My official FKS measurement at 3801 Automation Way in Ft. Collins, CO is 8 1/16 inches."

I don't think any more needs to be said. Top notch data collection, sir. You are a true professional and don't let anyone tell you different. If they do, give them a roundhouse kick.

I also took a few photos of the storm, but they are not nearly as amusing as the above. However, since I went to great lengths to secure batteries for my camera, I'm going to humor myself and put them up:

This one is important because it was taken with my cell phone. Shortly after this was shot, my phone suffered what appears to be a fatal error after getting too much moisture from these streaking snowflakes. The only way I can get it to work at this point is by jamming tin foil into where the charger plugs in. Doing this makes it look like my phone's taking a shit.

After a long, tough day of weather observation, nothing smooths you out quite like a freshly poured Guinness. Unfortunately, I was not able to get any official measurements in the city as the constant and substantial wind prevented finding a spot that wasn't tainted by drifting. If I had to guess, I would estimate 9 7/16th inches fell in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. But if "official" numbers excite you, head on over to the NWS site . . . they got some fresh, hot data to pour over.

Thanks again to Mr. Cheetahtoes, Mr. Axelrod and Mr. Abominable Snow Ostrich for participation in documenting The Tides of Smarch. Mission Accomplished!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Map Fondling 101

You're seeing that right . . . Kath's fingering (or giving the finger to?) Denver and she's not using lube. She doesn't need it, for Denver's about to wet itself. Predictions are all over the map (as you'll see below), but I think it's safe to say we're in for a substantial bit of snow. This is sorely needed. It is Mother Nature's bailout and unlike posturing Republican politicians, we will accept all that she has to offer. We are a city, nay . . . half a state, that is starving for fluffy white powder. We will roll up our twenty dollar bills and ingest it en masse. We will frolick in it, make angels of it and build men with it. We will take to the streets and drink heavily, betting foolishly on a Friday off from our menial jobs. We will pump our fists and smile.

My theory is that the amount of snow this storm drops will be directly proportional to how quickly our national economy recovers. Much like the drying up of our financial system, Denver has been virtually moisture free since October. This is probably not a coincidence as we all know that the Mile High City is not only the geographical center point of the nation, but also the metaphorical center point of the entire world and perhaps the universe. As our snow totals go, so goes the financial health of the world. That means this storm is critically important and that fact alone places quite a bit of weight upon the shoulders of our forecasters. Can those spineless swindlers shoulder it? Let's take a look:

9News - I watched Kathy in action tonight (see pic above) and she's predicting between 8 and 16 inches here in the city. *Sigh* . . . talk about a wide birth. Way to cover your bases, Kathleen. I hope the actual total is either 7 or 17 inches.

Fox 31 - Chris Dunn, local cheese dick and "one of the first weather forecasters in the country to earn the designation of 'Certified Broadcast Meteorologist'" (whatever the fuck that means) is getting insanely precise and/or handling Denver like he's squeezing one of Phil Mickelson's breasts:

7News - Big Mike Nelson says 8-12 inches between noon and nine tomorrow. Not the first time he's told people (read: women) that.

News4 - Ed Greene's also playing it safe with the 8-16 inch call. Seriously, what's up with our local weather folk groping their maps?

Now for the big boys:

Weather.gov - I'm really terrible at math, but by my calculations, I read a 10-18 inch prediction.

Weather.com - 7-12 inches.

- Easily THE most conservative prediction . . . 4-9 inches. Party poopers.

That's about it. Get your supplies prepared. I've got my whiskey, moon boots and Vietnamese soup at the ready and that's all I'll need. And I implore all of you official FKS weather spotters to be on white alert. Make sure you have batteries for your cameras and good ideas for measurement pictures. This is not a drill, you lazy bastards . . . I expect top notch coverage of the Great March Blizzard of Aught Nine (aka - The Tides of Smarch). Please don't let me down again.

Tucked Warmly Under The Winter Storm Warning,

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Answered Prayers?

Here we go. A full blown WINTER STORM WATCH has been issued for the Front Range of this absolute gem of a state we call Colorado. I can't be sure, but I think this is the first one of aught nine and it has me as giddy as the paparazzi that chase the Octomom.

The prospect of 6+ inches of snow excites me. Does it excite you? I bet it does. It should. We've been on a collective dry spell for the past six months and it's high time we scored. Hoggin' has never potentially felt so good, has it? Watching Kathy gently caress the Colorado/New Mexico border tonight (showing the predicted path of the Low Pressure) nearly brought me to orgasm. I'll even forgive the fact that both she and Marty were predicting only a light snow on Thursday as recently as last night if they're (and every other weather predicting service) correct with their heavy snowfall prediction.

But if they're wrong, may God/Allah have mercy on their pitiful meteorlogical souls. I will wish death/termination of employment upon them all. Too often this winter/early spring they have hoped for and promised moisture only to leave us, the proud citizen, looking like saps for believing a single word that comes out of their moufs. No more. We will FIX THEY MOUFS! We will rise up like a collective centipede and crawl all over their pathetic but well groomed faces. I'm depending on you to rise up with me, so don't let me down, OK?

That's enough for now. No sense counting predictions before they're broadcast on local television stations. I'll be back tomorrow with more as we lead up to THE STORM OF THE LAST YEAR OF THE DECADE.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Smoke The Dust Bowl

Earlier I had expressed extreme optimism, bonerism and excitement with regard to a low pressure front's predicted path. It was supposed to tease the Colorado/New Mexico border which likely would've meant upslope winds and a good chance of heavy moisture here in the Mile High. Turns out the fucking thing is too far north meaning little in the way of much needed precip in these parts and a blizzard for those poor saps in Wyoming and further up the Northern Great Plains, where they definitely don't need it. Eat shit, Mother Nature. You are a cruel, unforgiving wench with lopsided tits and a terrible attitude. That's right. I said it. What are you going to do about it? Tie us up and screw us with a drilldo? You don't have the guts.

Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that something squirrely will happen, but Negative Nancy and Coniglio are not exactly giving me much reason to believe. Hopefully their collective prediction is as accurate as my bracket predicitons.

Also, it was 79 degrees here today, tying a record (/makes wanking motion). This seems like the 11th record high we've tied or broken in the last couple of months and it's getting kind of old. I know a lot of people back east would want to punch me in the face for complaining about an extremely warm winter/early spring, and I respect and welcome that, but enough is enough. Make with the moisture.

I love you,

Friday, March 20, 2009


I have a mighty good feeling about this. Do your worst, Mother Nature. We deserve it.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Giving Up This Boring Mid 60s Weather Watching For Lent

A friend of mine says he saw Jay Cutler out a bar recently and remarked that "he had no presence." These words gave me great pause and caused tremendous concern, because a piece of me believes he is correct in his observation of Mr. Cutler. Could it be? Does he have no soul? Worse, does he have no ego?

I don't want to let myself believe it. I refuse to let myself believe it. He as all the god damned presence he needs back there in that pocket before firing laser-guided, side-winding, rib-splitting, finger-breaking missiles into the clutches of our cocksure receivers. So what if he doesn't command the ass kissing of Denver's white collar crowd? I can think of much worse things.

What my friend meant (I think) is that you wouldn't have known Cutler was there even if you were standing next to him at the bar ordering double Jack Daniels(TM), neat. My friend also asked, "Do you think you would ever be in a bar with John Elway and not know it?" That really made me think. Probably not.

In his early years, as I recall, old Johnny Ballgame was moderately successful and I'm pretty sure he devoured every ounce of praise he got from all of Denver's residents - be they bartenders, barbers or sleek women. He grabbed this town by its short and curlies from the very start and didn't let go until he shaved them all off using only a straight razor and the reflection of two Vince Lombardi trophies. And I thank him for it each and every day.

Where was I? Oh yeah . . . the old comparison game between the new QB in town who has diabetes, Bama bangs and a rocket launcher for an arm with the old hero/statesman who also once had floppy hair, an affinity for hunting rabbits, and a rocket launcher for an arm. I can't do it anymore. Every quarterback that ever comes here is compared to Sir Elway and it's not fair. I won't be a part of it. Plus, I get the feeling that Jay's a delicate fellow and anything negative written here may push him right over the edge. I don't want to be responsible for that. A man self destructing by his own hand is one thing, but being pushed into despair by respected media such as FKS is quite another.


Happy Fat Tuesday by the way. It was a nice one. Sixty six degrees. It's been a mild winter . . . as was evidenced by the menacing brush fires today. Fucking La Niña. And yes, I'm aware it snowed freakishly Friday night but shit, it was the weekend. Old Flip needed some time and drink at the local pubs with the gentry and other damaged folk. Call it an All Star Break. But I'm not at all fooled by this heat . . . snowy times lay ahead. I know it. You know it. But does Kathy Sabine know it? Probably yes, but we shall see. I heard she was giving up models for lent.

Be Warm, Stay Cool and Never Sweat,
Flip T. Washington

Monday, February 16, 2009

Leipz . . . ahhhhhhhhh

This is why accuweather.com dominates all other online weather prediction services. Altieri could learn a thing or two about the passion and the intensity that should go along with predicting the weather.


Friday, February 13, 2009


Image time stamp: Fri Feb 13 11:01:00 MST 2009

The picture above comes from cotrip.org and is from a camera on I-76 near Sterling. This is what the current article on 9news.com, updated by Ashton "Pees Sitting Down" Altieri himself, reads:
The northeastern Plains of Colorado will see widespread snow through late Friday morning. Locations such as Sterling, Julesburg, Akron, and Holyoke are under a WINTER STORM WARNING until noon for a total of 4 to 8 inches of snow. Wind gusts over 20 mph will create blowing and drifting snow. Travel could become difficult along Interstate 76 east of Fort Morgan.
Here are some other shots from the Northeast portion of our state:



Not good . . . unless 4-8 inches comes down within the next hour, I'd say this forecast was an outright dud. And the people are none too pleased about it if the comments on the 9news story are any indication:

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Shennan wrote:
Ashton give it up you cannot predict right just put down expect snow and leave it at that. I am north of I70 in the foothills and have only a wee bit. Better luck next time.

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gobroncos wrote:
I live in a area that was predicted 4-8 inches, and NOT 1 snow flake. I will never forget what I learned in middle school. A teacher once said that 80% will get you through school, but 80% in the working world will set you up for many failures. (Ed. note - I have no idea what this means)

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agentdad wrote:
Not a flake in Arvada---only flakes are in the 9NEWS weather department---

And it's probably not fair just to single out 9News, because it seems everyone missed the boat. Probably because they all look at the exact same models and not a one of them is ever willing to go out on a limb and be an individual. Why wouldn't take a chance at this point? It's not like they're ever reprimanded for being wrong anyway.

Check out Ed Greene acting the fool right now on News4:
The heavier snow has definitely been across the eastern plains around Yuma and Burlington. Winter Storm Warnings are still in place there until noon.
Here's a picture from Stratton, only a few miles from Burlington:

Image time stamp: Fri Feb 13 11:25:36 MST 2009