Monday, December 29, 2008
"The spiritual energy of the wind . . . " That shit is laughable, man. Ha. I probably shouldn't say such things about a quote from a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but I don't know anyone who would describe 80 mile per hour gusts of wind (or even 20-40 mph sustained winds) as a "spiritual energy." Wind is depressing, irritating and noisy. You can't piss into it and if you wear contact lenses, the wind can contribute to you going blind temporarily. The only thing it's good for is flying kites and clearing smog out of our fair town (and blowing it on to lesser states like Nebraska).
Friday, December 26, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
I wish I could get more in depth on all the local weather soothsaysers and their follies, but I spent the majority of my day yesterday sitting on a westbound Amtrak train listening to an old hippie/vagabond (who looked a lot like this guy) ratchet up many pints of phlegm and resin from his lungs with deep and sustained coughs. I was concerned he was going to die. Then I wondered to myself: "If this guy does start to enter the throes of death during one of these coughing fits, will you have the mental fortitude to give him CPR and not throw up while doing so?" I came to the conclusion that I would wait for someone else to attempt to save him and if no one volunteered, I would step in. Sad? You bet. But true.
But he was really the least frustrating thing about the trip. I like Amtrak . . . I really do. Any method of travel where you can drink heavily and no one bats an eye is OK in my book. I've traveled by train many a time and had some insanely memorable trips (like getting wrecked in the smoking car for five hours on Super Bowl Sunday (Rams vs. Patriots) with a cowboy poet and bondage models). I haven't rode (ridden?) the rails in a couple of years and was thoroughly disappointed with the shape our national rail service is in . . . well, maybe just the California Zephyr. Sure, the train was seven hours late getting to Denver, but that's somewhat acceptable given the brutality of the weather back east over the past few days. But the state of the cars was just pathetic. Lights were out, chairs were broken, bathrooms were in disrepair, doors between cars didn't work . . . it's like they just said, "Fuck it . . . we'll just let the cars go until they can't go no more." C'mon, Amtrak. You can do better. Shit, the Feds are handing over bailouts left and right. Go get some of it. I know, I know, you're already heavily subsidized. But that shouldn't stop you from asking for more. It's the new American way.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
DENVER--(FKS WIRE)--Dec. 17, 2008--Just Proust Inc.(R) is pleased to announce that Jim Cantore's "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition"(TM) is now available for public purchase.
The Jim Cantore Series blends the power and grace of the Weather Channel's on-air meteorologist (and favorite son) Jim Cantore into an anatomically correct figurine. Since its inception, the Jim Cantore line of dolls has replaced Mattel's "Ken" as the preferred partner for Barbie(TM)(R).
Highlights of the Jim Cantore "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition" figurine:
- Microphone Grip
- Twenty seven different weather-related phrases "spoken" by Jim through small speakers located beneath his jowels. Phrases are triggered by text message and include such gems as "Hey Barbie, what's up? Ever see a high pressure ridge?"
- Miniature Armani suit
- Authentic NorthFace(TM) cold weather gear
- Personal hygiene kit
- Specialized nozzle for attachment to home garden hose that pelts Jim with simulated rain or snow at 200 mph
- Separate action figures for the weather desk (Choose Severe Weather Expert Dr. Greg Forbes, Tropical Weather Expert Dr. Steve Lyons, or the Old Guy from CSU)
- Separate action figures for on-air personalities (Choose two from the following list: Christina Abernathy, Stephanie Abrams (rowr), Vivian Brown, Paul Goodloe, Warren Madden, Sharon Resultan, Mike Seidel and Heather Tesch)
- One tanning bed
- Working remote cameras that can be broadcast over home television set
- Simulated weather satellite (fishing line not included)
- Jim's Big Book of Weather Advice ("Never run out of a hotel bar into a thunderstorm without a shirt . . .") and True Stories: Confessions of a Weather Man (Jamaica can be a cold hearted woman . . .")
- One large pile of raw weather data
Also available is the original Jim Cantore Doll, along with the necessary accessories to create such characters as: Hurricane Jim, Winter Storm Warning Jim, Tornado Cantore, Arctic Circle Jerk Jim, Avalanche Jim, Vacation Jim, Rip Tide Jim and, coming soon, Perfect Storm Jim. See local retailers for more information.
About Just Proust, Inc.
Just Proust, Inc. (R) is a multi-faceted, world-enhancing company strategically focusing on market leadership in the areas of figurines, t-shirts, photography, film production and possibly cloud seeding. Founded in 1869 by William "Billy" Just, Just Proust has offices in Denver, Seattle and Blue Mountain Lake, New York.
Just Proust, the Just Proust logo and perhaps Jim Cantore are all trademarks or registered trademarks of Just Proust, Inc.
CONTACT: Just Proust, Inc.
* Please note that this release was actually started seven years ago - special thanks to Bruce P. for the collaboration and wisdom
Monday, December 15, 2008
4) Expose your genitals
Back-t0-back record low setting days! Woo! Minus 15 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday and then an encore of minus 18 this morning. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Holy shit this is terrible and I'm glad I don't live farther to the north where this kind of weather is commonplace."
*Extends middle finger to Mother Nature*
Sunday, December 14, 2008
At 3:08AM MST, things look dusty and bone chilling on the streets of Denver proper. Everybody in the meteorology business (aka weathotainment) says to expect between 1-3 inches by Sunday evening. But they also hate themselves and their jobs. I believe them, however, when they say that it's going to be ball-shrinkingly cold tomorrow. The official arrival of the Arctic/Polar/Nipple-Erecting air came at exactly 10:24PM Saturday. I know because I was there, observing and admiring. I was also slugging whiskey and smoking a cigarette. I had initially and foolishy wagered a 1:04AM arrival of the cold front with several meteorologiphiles. I lost several dollars and a little dignity/pride in the wager, but I enjoyed the action nonetheless. I also enjoyed the anti-Sabine sentiment that permeated the holiday party scene. I found out that I am not alone in my weather prognosication skepticism, and that made me smile. A smile that will be promptly wiped off my face in about 7 hours when I awake parched, hungover and shivering. Whatever . . . it was worth it. And there's a lot of football on tomorrow.
Also, I guarantee you that Sabine is not up keeping an eye on the weather at this hour. I am. She's probably asleep under a comforter made of sunshine, money and happiness. Meanwhile, I'm still awake . . . mainly because I care about you and want you to be updated on the weather here in Denver (and maybe the whole state) 19-7-365. At 3:27AM it's still snowing and is horribly cold.
Good luck out there. Have a really lazy Sunday. Go Broncos.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I got a very intimate look at this latest storm. I was given tickets to the Monday night Ryan Adams/Oasis show being held at the Broomfield Events Center just off the Boulder Turnpike. I left work at 6:00PM just as the driving snow was beginning to fall. The normally 15 minute drive to and from the venue turned into an hour each way. The snow came down at such an awesome pace that the badasses who drive the CDOT snowplows couldn't keep up. Throw in a sustained 18 MPH northeasterly wind and it was chaos on the roadways. But I gotta give credit to the drivers out during that maelstrom . . . that was some fine maneuvering, folks. Especially those of you that were drunk when the concert was over and the storm was at its height. You didn't even flinch . . . or flip your cars . . . and for that, I am grateful. It was yet another reminder that, while we in Colorado completely melt down behind the wheel during any kind of rain storm, we also show the utmost in skill and focus when it comes to driving in snow. It makes me swell with pride and throw some punches in the air.
Photo credit: Sledden
"Get to the snow totals, douchebag," is what you're likely thinking. You're right again. Enough of my driving jibber jabber. Sad as this is, it would appear that everyone (aside from weather.com) was pretty much right on with their liberal predictions (2-5 Meto area, 5-10 south and west burbs). That National Weather Service reported these "official" snow totals for Monday night's/Tuesday morning's storm:
Arvada - 7 inches
Aspen - 9 inches
Castle Rock - 8 inches
Conifer - 13 inches
Denver - 5 inches
Delta - 0 inches
Flip Washington's FKS Weather Headquarters (aka ElBro Laboratories) - 4.7 inches
Frederick - 2 inches
Gennesee - 7 inches
Greeley - 1/16th of an inch
Louisville - 9 inches
Parker - 6 inches
Snowmass - 17 inches
Telluride - 14 inches
Thort-en - 5 inches
If your location wasn't included in the above, I don't really give a shit. It's your responsibility to update me. Get on it.
As far as grading out the local weather teams, well, they all get B-'s this time around. I can't go higher because they dropped the ball on some of the Northern suburbs and you just can't be doing that shit. Also, I don't like a three inch spread when it comes to predictions. Two to five inches just doesn't cut it with Flip Washington. Three to five inches? Now that's some predictin' I can get behind. You hear me, Egger?
There are whispers of another storm coming Sunday/Monday. We here at FKS will monitor it closely, of course, and keep you abreast on all the latest tomfoolery perpetrated by Denver's dimmest meteorologists.
Thank you for your patronage. I love you. I mean that.
Monday, December 8, 2008
9NEWS Meteorologist Nick Carter expects a mix of rain and snow to develop around the Denver area by 11 a.m. Monday. As temperatures become colder, the precipitation will change into all snow by late Monday afternoon. Any accumulation during the day on Monday will be minor.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Below are the latest snow totals advailable [sic]. Please send updated totals to firstname.lastname@example.org
So basically, any of you Colorado residents should come up with any number you want for your locale and fire that off to 9News for publication on their website as official. Or you can send a photo of yourself measuring the snow with something unusual (cigarettes, naked ladies, soy sauce bottles) to email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org and I will gladly post it and ponder it here. I would like to put 9News snow totals page to shame. That is my new goal. I need your help.
* * * * * * *
Five fucking degrees below zero last night in Denver. What the hell? That ties a 99-year-old record for lowest temperature on a December 4th but, to my knowledge, no one told us it was going to get anywhere near that cold. All the reports I read had the low being between seven and 10 degrees above zero. "Well that's only a few degrees off," you're probably saying. "What's the big deal?" I bet 10 degrees difference is a huge deal for the homeless, but you're right, it made no difference to me. Sorry for troubling you.
* * * * * * *
Lastly, watch out for the fuzz if you're cruising I-70 today:
Have a warm weekend everybody!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I also found this comment from 9News.com, made in reference to the top story about the cold and potential snow, to be amusing and/or spot on:
Anyway, it's the evening rush hour and, from what I see out my window, there is nary a flake flying. This means the second part of Kathy's prediction last night ends in FAILURE. There will be no snow affecting the evening drive. Good. I don't want her to start getting too accurate all of the sudden. But her forecast, as well as everyone else's, is being quickly revised to include a minimal shot of snow tomorrow. A breakdown:
Weather.com - Low of 22 tonight, High of 28 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Accuweather.com - Low of 16 tonight, High of 25 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
9News - Low of 14 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
7News - Low of 12 tonight, High of 21 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
News4 - Low of 19 tonight, High of 27 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
Fox31 - Low of I don't know - he didn't say, High of 25 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Channel 2 - Low of 15 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 inches of snow by Thursday night
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
I tried to get a screen shot or some other proof, but you're just going to have to trust me when I tell you that this is what kwgn.com has up on their website as of 5:38PM MST on Tuesday, Dec. 2. Granted, they also have a video with Angie Austin talking about a trace of snow tonight and very cold temperatures tomorrow, but, for whatever reason, they've left this forecast box up as well. This is why I leave Channel 2 out of most of my weather prediction blog entries . . . they are the weather team that rides the short bus. Or I guess, in more appropriate terms, they are the weather team with the small doppler radar.
By the way, what happened to Angie Austin? I used to positively lust after her in the mornings before work a few years ago what with her playful demeanor and propensity to wear shirts that accented/revealed her impressive bosom. Now she looks like she's auditioning to become a grandmother. I think she was married recently. Maybe she's just letting herself go. That's cool. But it's also sad. Another one bites the dust. You're next, Sabine.
Anyway, all the other stations are predicting between a trace and two inches here in the metro Denver area with more to our north and west. It's also going to be balls cold for a couple of days, so plan accordingly.
And my apologies for missing all the fun over the weekend. I'm sure there was a ton of excitement and panic from folks like Mike Nelson and I'm sorry I missed it. I did manage to drive through the mountains yesterday, however, and can confirm the existence of multiple feet of snow in certain locations.
That's all for now . . . enjoy your inch of snow and high winds tonight.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Hey (winks), how are you? I trust well. You're looking good and you're forecasting like a savant, so I'm guessing things are going pretty decent. I'm so, so proud of the good work you've been doing on Abrams & Bettes(TM) . . . and the fact that your show has survived for so long when most Weather Channel series fail quickly is truly an indication of just how brightly your star is shining. Sure, Bettes is pretty cool, but c'mon. It's you the people are tuning in for, Steph (can I call you Steph?). There are many reasons why we the viewers love you . . . you're humble proclamation that you are just a weather nerd at heart; your inability to control the volume of your voice; the rumors that you were a renowned partier while attending the University of Florida; your unusually large mouth; your wonky eye and of course, your world class mams.
Sweet baby Christ you are a good looking gal, Steph. What hurricane was this? I'm pretty sure it was 2005 and I want to say said hurricane had an "I" name, but I just can't remember. Hell, I'm not sure I even knew then. Watching you work in that form-fitting grey t-shirt was mesmerizing to the point of complete debilitation. This is the day I fell in love. There you were taking stock of the destruction on the ground, and there I was, sitting bolt upright taking stock of my rising barometric pressure (winks twice). I had never felt so strongly about someone I had seen on TV, Steph, and this includes Kelly Bundy and any number of women from the Emanuelle series on Showtime.
I'm just going to come out and say it . . . we should begin a romantic relationship. I'm serious. You're probably saying, "But I'm engaged (or maybe married) and you're not at all handsome. You're also neither rich or talented and you live nowhere near me." While this all may be true, I am willing to change. I will do whatever you instruct me to do - be that what to eat, how to drive, when to shit, etc. I will be your slave . . . both literally and sexually. You can mold me into whatever kind of man you see fit and I will offer nary a complaint. Plus, I'm very interested in weather, so we can talk about that too.
You don't have to make up your mind now. Just mull the idea over for a little while, OK? I'll be in touch via this terrible blog.
And one more thing . . . could you lay off the suits? They're not "you" and they're doing the rest of us no favors. God gave you this body for a reason, and you are hiding it. I doubt that makes Him happy. You probably don't want to anger God, as many folks believe he directly influences your job. I don't believe that. I believe you can outforecast God. No matter what He/She/It throws at you, you will see it coming and warn us pleebs and we shall give You praise. But not if you keep wearing suits. Seriously.
And remember, I believe in you.
Anyway, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon. And when I say talk, I mean a one-sided conversation with you through the television.
Stay Hot, Be Warm and Keep Your Cool,
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Wolter believes Colorado is headed toward a La Nina winter, which tilts the odds toward more snow. The downside is La Ninas—long-term wind patterns tied to cooler Pacific temperatures—usually also bring a dry fall and spring.
Wolter says he's "guardedly optimistic" that winter snowfall will make up for the lack of moisture so far and raise the snowpack to about normal by the end of the winter.
As of Wednesday, the statewide snowpack is 49 percent of the 30-year average for this time of year.
Wolter works at the National Atmospheric and Oceanic Administration in Boulder.
This is what Klaus looks like. I like his shirt - it reminds me of the Aztecs for some reason. But oh no . . . what's this? It seems as though Klaus has a detractor. But who? Almanac.com . . . that's fucking who:
Includes predictions for all or portions of Arizona (Flagstaff, Kayenta, Page, Tuba City, Winslow), California (Cedarville, Davis Creek, Eagleville, Fort Bidwell, Lake City), Colorado (Aurora, Colorado Springs, Denver, Fort Collins, Lakewood), Idaho (Boise, Idaho Falls, Meridian, Nampa, Pocatello), Montana (Bozeman, Butte, Helena, Kalispell, Missoula), Nevada (Carson City, Elko, Reno, Sparks, Sun Valley), New Mexico (Angel Fire, Chama, Dulce, Questa, Springer), Oregon (Hermiston, La Grande, Ontario, Pendleton, The Dalles), Utah (Ogden, Orem, Provo, Salt Lake City, West Valley City), Washington (Kennewick, Pasco, Richland, Spokane, Yakima), Wyoming (Casper, Evanston, Green River, Laramie, Rock Springs).
Winter will be much colder and drier than normal, on average, with snowfall above normal in the north and below normal in the south. The coldest temperatures will occur in late December; early, mid-, and late January; and early February. The snowiest periods will be in mid-November, early and mid-December, mid- and late January, and late February.
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Who will win the battle of long range forecasts? Stay tuned to FKS to find out. I'm putting my money on Klaus. The Germans are precise.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
* HT to holytaco.com for one of the most tremendous photos I've ever seen.
Friday, November 14, 2008
It pains me to say it, but kudos to you, 9News Weather Team(TM) for your gutsy and bold prediction that the early hours of Friday, November 14, 2008 would be the time Denver sees its first measurable snowfall of aught eight. You went out on a limb. The chance of snow was only 30 percent, but you said there would at least be a tenth of an inch of cold, sweet Colorado powder on the ground and you were right. Savor the moment. Drink a little champagne. Your competitors don't have the balls that you do. Sure, that geek Dunn over at Fox was watching a band of snow showers but said there would be no accumulation. Same goes for Hidalgo (who, according to her bio, once ran a marathon in Sweden, which seems moderately random with a chance of "why Sweden?"), who was very cautious yesterday in predicting any snow. But not you, 9News. Your hope and borderline desperation for that first snowfall was creepy, but can now be set aside. Until we go three more weeks without any snow . . . then your manic behavior will once again rear its ugly head. I can't wait.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Coniglio announced last night that Nov. 21 is the latest Denver has ever gone without receiving measurable snowfall and that if we did not get it tonight (Monday, Nov. 10), we would break that record because there is no snow forecast for the rest of the week. Make of that what you will.
All of the afternoon forecasters (at the four major stations) are keeping expectations down, which I applaud. Lisa Hidalgo over at 7News says we might get a trace of snow and is joined in that assessment by the rest of them. By the way, is she pregnant? How come they (meteorologists) never announce whether or not they're pregnant on the air? They should warn you, Joe the Viewer, that there are going to be some natural changes happening over the coming months. It's not fair to make us guess. You'd think they'd want us to know. I'd be dropping hints left and right during that grey period (first trimester, early second trimester) where you can't quite tell that a woman is pregnant yet know that they are getting bigger but are terrified to say anything. One of the cruelest life lessons any man or woman can learn is throwing out a "congratulations" to someone who looks pregnant but is not. The hurt in that woman's eyes when she replies "congratulations on what?" while quickly realizing what you are inferring is something you can never unsee. It happened to me once and it will never happen again. Well, I guess it will never happen again in person. Online it might because I just made the assumption about Ms. Hidalgo here and, who knows, maybe she does not have a bun in the oven. But she'll never read this. Even if she does, I won't have to see her face. Unless she sends me an angry picture . . . which would be pretty awesome of her.
UPDATE - As of 12:28AM, nary a trace of snow has fallen. Coniglio is surely distraught and drinking heavily. Bourbon probably.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
FUN KATHY SABINE FACT FROM HER BIO ON 9News.com: I began college studying to be a veterinarian. I started work on my first degree in Animal Science at Cal Poly later switching to a major in journalism. My work on my second degree in meteorology began years later at Metropolitan State College in Denver and also at Mississippi State University.
Now, I can't quite decipher if she got one or two meteorology degrees (or if that's even possible/useful). Either she got one from Metro and one from Mississippi State, or she somehow combined studies at those two universities to get one super meteorology degree that she puts to use five days a week. Either way, I would venture to bet that she is one of the few people in the world to study weather at those two schools. Also, good to hear about her veterinarian background. I encourage any of you with sick pets to email her for advice.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Speaking of politics (sort of), I've heard from a source in no way related to the McCain/Palin campaign who says, on their way out of various American cities after rallies, they are seeding the clouds from their planes. Their hope, apparently, is to crank up the moisture content in the skies believing heavy rains on Tuesday will knock down voter turnout. Pretty nefarious if you ask me . . . and completely made up. Although no political tactic would shock me at this point.
Last thing on politics . . . if you, good resident of Denver, had MyFoxColorado meteorologist Chris Dunn in your "first one to suggest the weather on election day may be crappy," you go ahead and collect your prize. His "On Target" forecast claims we'll be looking at a high of 60 with the potential for rain. I'll shall monitor this prediction closely.
Anyway, happy Halloween to all. I should've gone as my hero Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel but I wasn't thinking. Next year. For sure.
I heard Sabine's dressing up like a polluted snowflake . . . but I'm sure she'll look adorable.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Well that was fun, eh? It was kind of like a preseason game for the local meteorologists last night. It was an evening to dust off the winter weather prediction equipment (which doesn't exist) and practice their excited voices that are used exclusively during snowstorms or tornadoes. Actually, the weather teams at MyFox(13), News4 and Channel 7 were pretty calm and kept things in perspective. It was only Kathy and her ornery squad of weather folk down at 9News who got themselves whipped into a frenzy for the first "measurable snow" of the year. Per usual, they were off the mark. It certainly snowed . . . I saw mighty bursts of the white stuff while cutting through the city on I-25 at about 11:00PM - but that shit didn't stick. I'd be hard pressed to even call it a "trace."
But I won't bust their chops too much so early in the game. There will be plenty of time for that as snow season progresses. And I'll give everybody credit for nailing the mountain forecast. It would appear, by carefully studying various cameras in the high country, that between 1-4 inches fell. I'm working on a resource for official measurements all around the state, but until the volunteers start pouring in, I'm going to have to eyeball it. But don't worry . . . I wear contacts.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Forecast for Tuesday Evening (Oct. 21, 2008) into Wednesday Morning (Oct. 21, 2008)
Coniglio - 9News - Denver metro . . . 1 inch; South Burbs . . . 1-3 inches; Foothills . . . 1-4 inches
Nelson - 7News - Denver metro . . . little to no accumulation; Mountains . . . 3-5 inches
Donaldson - News 4 - Jim Benneman makes Stacey Donaldson very uncomfortable at the beginning of this video, calling her "snookums," which is awesome. Denver metro . . . rain/snow mix - little to no accumulation; Parker and to the South . . . 1 - 3 inches; Eastern Plains . . . severe thunderstorms giving way to snow later
Dunn - My Fox Colorado - "You can smell the stockyards" (Northeast winds - often signify cold/snow/updraft and blow a smell that's the combination of dog food and a bean burrito fart from Greeley (where it always smells like that) to Denver) Denver metro . . . minor accumulations
Alright . . . we'll check back tomorrow and see how everyone did. Let the chaos begin!