A Cold Blast For Dat Ass

Here's 124-pound Ashton Altieri doing his best to hold up the "E" in Denver

What's up, chuckleheads? Have you been enjoying this run of sensuous sunshine and air temperatures that are consistently warmer than an Orangutan's armpit? I hope you made the most of it, because Old Man Winter's making a run down from Canada in a rusty 1974 Chevy C10 and should be arriving any minute. He'll be wearing head-to-toe denim and he's got a payload full of ball-shrinking and nipple-erecting cold air. He's also drunk and smells like your underwear after a three day camping trip. Get him inside quick . . . before the neighbors see.

Altieri said last night to expect three inches (of snow) here in Denver. Coniglio has tweaked that slightly today saying 1-3 tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow.

Stacey Donaldson, whom I'm falling deeply in love with, is a little more pessimistic, claiming that we're only going to see a couple of inches, tops. It's like she made that forecast by looking down my pants.

Dave Fraser, like Tiger Woods, is not getting into specifics and is saying 2-4 inches across "The Foothills, Front Range and Eastern Plains." That sounds like a country song. Cheetahtoes . . . get on it.

Weather.com says 1-3 inches tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow . . . which is exactly what Coniglio said. Plagiarism is all the rage these days I guess. But who ripped off whom?

Tony Laubach over at Channel 7, whose title says he's a weather producer/storm chaser, pens a pretty decent forecast. For the most part, it's detailed yet concise. However, he uses exclamation points at the same rate as a 16-year-old girl, which is kind of weird. He also has a pretty bad ass weather blog. But before we get too smitten with this fellow, I should note that not only is he a Redskins fan, but he's quite obviously a Broncos hater. To wit, here's what he said after attending the Broncos/Redskins game a few weeks ago: "But the best part of the win was to return home to Denver and enjoy the happiness in everyone’s misery AND to watch a bunch of over-confident Broncos fans eat a ton of crow."

Well, I'm all for supporting your team and talking a little shit, but this is too much. This asshole presumably lives and works in our fine town and is just way too enthusiastic about the misery of its citizens caused by a team owned by a fascist dickweed. His vitriol will not stand, man. I encourage all seven of my readers to hereby boycott Channel 7 (aka thedenverchannel.com) and tell everyone you know to do the same. And if you see this guy out on the streets, go ahead and fart on him. Here's what he looks like (warning: it's not pretty):

Get out of Broncos Country, sir - your kind is not wanted here.

The Main Event

So there you go . . . whip up a batch of chili, put on your Snuggie(TM) and sip your whiskey, we got ourselves a nice little snow event headed our way.

Speaking of snow, Altieri was dead wrong on his forecast last night, but now there's no way I can prove it because 9News changed the link in the below post to today's forecast. Those sneaky bastards! I guess I'm going to have to start doing screen shots for Altieri's predictions because it seems obvious that someone over there is trying to protect him. Why? I have no idea. We'll have to explore some theories at a later date.

But I do have a new hero. His name is Kirby Kuklenski and owns an Ace Hardware store here in Denver. This is what Mr. Kuklenski said that made me respect him so:

"I do not think people put that much stock in the weatherman."

Amen, brother.

Round Two? Spooky Friday the 13th Predictions and a New Weather Station

Thursday, October 29, 2009 - Historic Lower Downtown Denver, Colorado

Something's going on . . . but I'm not sure anybody quite knows what it is. As I write this at 4:46PM MST (12:46AM CET), a wintery mix is falling at a nice pace. I just took to the streets to do some observation but it was cold, so I opted for a hot, relaxing steam over at the local health club. Now I want a beer. And a gal to cozy up with.

Anyway, I'm not sure anyone really knows how much it's going to snow, but here are some of the predictions from the folks you know and love:

9News . . . Altieri, who may or may not dress up in a Peter Pan outfit and prance about Civic Center Park every Friday the 13th, is calling for four inches of snow tonight (Friday) and then a break followed by 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. He's very non-commital, however . . . just like your girlfriend.

National Weather Service via Denver Post - They're saying it's a Winter Storm Watch, with between 6-12 inches expected by Sunday (most of it falling Saturday afternoon through Sunday). They're really not saying anything about tonight, probably because they're lazy. I respect that. And someone really should come up with or buy me a winter storm watch for my wrist. That would make me pretty god damned happy. Maybe it can be part of the infamous Jim Cantore line of products.

News4 . . . Stacey Donaldson, whose liberal use of librarian spectacles always leads to high pressure systems developing in my pants, directly contradicts Altieri's prediction of four inches tonight by saying there will be no accumulation. Oooooooh . . . a cat fight. (*spitting, hissing sounds*).










Fox31 . . . Dave Fraser, a meteoroligst I'm totally unfamiliar with since I don't think I've ever seen him on television, splits Altieri and Donaldson right down the middle (he wishes). He's calling for 1-4 inches tonight, mainly on your grassy areas . . . and then 6-12 for round two tomorrow night into Sunday.

7News . . . Boring. No attribution, little to no accumulation tonight and the standard issue 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. Very disappointing.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to feel vindicated. My main man Gaguilera reports that people finally pulled their heads out of their asses and built another official weather monitoring station closer to Denver. If you recall, all official weather measurements since 1995 have been taken at Denver International Airport, 20-some miles from the city center. If you also recall, I was outraged by this:

That is complete and utter bullshit in my humble estimation. How does such a thing make sense? Especially with all measurements before 1995 occurring a scant seven miles from the city (at the old Stapleton airport)? Our climatology records are going to be more twisted than the psychological records of Jon & Kate's eight kids in 30 years. There's no continuity and that just can't be a good thing. Studying the climate is all based on static measurements - not switching the location by 20 miles every so often. Damn it!

Color me excited. I hope to get some video up of me pelvic thrusting this new machine soon. In the meantime, if any of you very attractive FKS weather spotters happen to be over by City Park golf course, try to get a picture of this device . . . I'm not too satisfied with the one in the
story:









Better yet, take a picture of you doing something lewd/awesome with the machine and get it to me for publication. There will be a prize for the best photo taken. That prize will likely be either Mexican food or booze or both.

OK . . . stay safe, warm and wet this weekend and if you FKS weather spotters can put down the bottle for 10 minutes, let's try and get some measurement photos, OK? OK.

Snow Forecast Round Up

What's up, Natives, Texans (gross) and Californians? The lack of posting has been quite uncouth, I know, but shit's been happening and it's hampering old Flip's schedule. Said shit isn't horribly interesting, but the crux of it is I picked up a debilitating chest cold (probably from that vagabond) that put me out of commission for a few days (I coughed so hard and intensely the morning before New Year's Eve that I sharted in bed). Luckily I rallied and even foolishly smoked a cigarette as aught nine was rung in (under extremely mild temperatures might I add). Good stuff . . . although I'm pretty bummed that this will be the last of the "aughts" for my lifetime. At least we can still say "back in aught one, two, four, etc." ad nauseum for the foreseeable future. Like, "Remember when Kathy Sabine completely blew forecasting the great Holiday Blizzard of aught six? It's amazing she still has a job!"

Anyway, the prognosicators of atmospheric conditions are back at it and are predicting a few inches of snow. Here's a quick round up of the various local forecasts for your pleasure:

9News (Altieri) - "The cold front responsible for the snow will move over Denver and the Front Range around midday on Saturday. Once the front passes, temperatures will drop rapidly and snow will start to develop. Most of the snow in the metro area will fall during the late afternoon or early evening on Saturday. The 9NEWS Weather Team expects 1 to 3 inches of total accumulation for most metro neighborhoods. Locations along the Palmer Divide in Douglas and Elbert Counties could see up to 5 inches while the foothills see up to 6 inches. Northern Colorado including Fort Collins, Loveland, and Greeley will see 1 inch or less."

Channel 4 (Gaguilera) - "A cold front arrives early Saturday morning and will drop our temperatures back in the 30's. There is also a chance for light snow showers around the metro area but it's not expected to bring any accumulation. Sunday's high will only be in the 20's."

**Ed. Note - Nice! Right off the bat we know one of the big dogs are going to be dead wrong. My money's on 9 News. Altieri inspires no confidence.**

7News (Hidalgo) - "Another cold front will move into the state on Saturday morning, spreading snow into the mountains and colder temperatures across the plains. Afternoon highs in the metro area will be about 25 to 30 degrees colder than Friday. There will also be a slight chance of light snow across the plains and in the metro area with the passing of this storm on Saturday afternoon."

Fox31 (Tomer) - Eat a fat one, Fox, for making us watch your stupid video forecasts. Tomer, who I bet is very awkward around women, thinks the cold front's going to blow in during the overnight/early morning hours and with the snow following in the afternoon/evening. He says 0-3 inches which is a no-no here at FKS. If you want to be a money forecaster when it comes to snowfall, you need to be accurate within two inches. Three is too wide of a margin. Especially when you're throwing zero in there. What the hell? Grow a pair, Tomer! Either stick to your guns and say it's going to snow 1-3 inches or go with a trace to no accumulation. It can't be both you geeky bastard.

KWGN 2 (Who Knows) - You people are lazier than Fox. There is virtually no words on their page. Just pictures and video. Shameful. Anyway, here's their guess:



I'll be back Sunday to check up on these goons. Until then, you can find me at either a sports bar enjoying NFL playoff football or at the Grizzly Rose enjoying the melodious tunes of The Randy Rogers Band and Cross Canadian Ragweed.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't send off one final Mile High Salute to Mein Shanny. While things have indeed been mediocre in terms of wins this past decade, the man did deliver two world championships to this title-starved city and I will never, ever forget that. That overly tan, rodent-looking football genius brought much joy and pride to this city and for that we should all be thankful. Actually, you don't have to be. But I always will be. Happy trails, Mike.


(Nobody chews zebra better than Shanny)