Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tebow balls . . . I'm rambling. Who gives a shit about the Facebook when we're finally set to add to our impressive one inch snow total for the season (and when I say season, I mean September, 2010 through May, 2011). Virtually everyone's on the same page with this one. Five to ten inches by tomorrow morning and scrotum-clenching cold. Personally, I think it's too cold and we won't get anywhere close to 10 inches of snow. I like Carter's forecast of 5 inches in the city. I'm saying four inches, tops. I'll let Gaguilera break it down one time:
Here's a look at what's going on in Lower Downtown Denver thus far. Be warned . . . it is not at all impressive.
Lastly, I wanted to put all FKS Weather Watchers(TM) on HOT WHITE alert. You know what that means. Speaking of FKS Weather Watchers(TM), I rather enjoyed this text I got from Billy Axelrod on Dec. 26 at 8:01PM MST: Egger's on the weather channel right fucking now. Creamed jeans.
Tebow bless you, Billy.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
To wit . . . from Tuesday's (12/14/10) 10PM newscast:
I cherish Mark and Adele's disbelieving silence when Sabine announces that we will have snow. I've watched that moment over and over again and love it a little more each time. It's clearly not their first rodeo. Maybe she meant the royal we . . . meaning whatever destination she fled to (that's right, she went on vacation today) will have snow, because ain't shit falling on the magnificent city of Denver, Colorado. During her weather segment, she went on to say that she expected between 1-3 inches of snow Wednesday night into Thursday. And to be fair, every other "weather expert" said roughly the same thing. Because they all look at the same computer models are deathly afraid to doubt the wisdom of computers. I don't think any of them have any shred of self confidence or moxy. Look, meteorologists, at this point we expect you to be wrong . . . you might as well have some fun and some trust in your own gut.
And 9News, will you please stop obsessing over Minnesota? It's getting kind of weird.
(Wednesday, 12/15/10 - 10PM newscast)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
So . . . yeah . . . here we go again. Sometimes I feel that even if Sabine was traveling back in time from a couple days in the future she'd still fuck up the forecast. It really is remarkable. And, if everything shapes up like it's supposed to (read: La Nina, putos), we should be in for a long, glorious winter of wild and desperate forecasting. For those of you new to the area, La Nina generally keeps us dry here on the Front Range (El Nino always brings the lube). You'd think that would keep the folks whose "job" it is to forecast the weather from getting aroused, but you'd be dead wrong. The longer we go without significant snow, the more desperate they become. You see, "predicting" snow storms feeds the egos of our beloved meteorologists more than anything else. They're like your friend who revels in discovering new bands in that they derive smug satisfaction from giving you their opinion, regardless of your interest or belief. Mark my words, we're going to see some spectacularly errant forecasts this winter . . . and I'm OK with that . . . because I revel in watching them fail. Because I'm a dick.
Speaking of dicks, behold the finest weather dong ever put on television:
You've probably seen it other places, but I would be remiss if I didn't include it here.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
ZOMG! 92 Degrees? How will we ever make it through the day? It was 113 Degrees Fahrenheit in Los Angeles on Monday. Think about that. That's Middle East hot. That's ball-soakingly hot. That's Egger in the sauna hot. Wait . . . where am I going with this? I must be feeling the heat stroke. Wait . . . no . . . that sounds terrible. Here, look at this:
He apparently knew the Barrel Man well and goes by the moniker "Limo Driver." This was during the record heat and after the Broncos unfortunate 27-13 loss to the Colts. I appreciate this gentleman. And he's wearing a denim-like jacket/long sleeve shirt in the boiling afternoon sun. Is he sad? Fuck no. He's happy and hustlin' . . . like we all should be . . . regardless of the temperature.
Speaking of anger, I would be remiss if I didn't tip my cap to the anti-meteorologist rant unleashed by Drew Magary, one of my all time, top five favorite internet personalities. To wit:
Weathermen(women) are the reason your children will become complete pussies when they grow up. No joke. They cancel schools these days if there's a goddamn inch of snow on the ground, and weathermen(women) overhyping storms is part of the reason why. If a weatherman(woman) was shot tomorrow, I would not be sad. I would send the killer a hot post-op tranny to have sex with.If you're not familiar with Mr. Magary, I hope you become so in the near future.
And a very special thanks to reader and friend of the site Frosty "Jay" Rehmersma for the photos associated with this "story." You're a good man . . . and thorough.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Norhwest view from westbound I-70 - Sept. 5, 2010
The canyons west of Boulder are aflame and that can only mean one thing . . . thousands of pounds of pot are being incinerated, but not being properly consumed. Actually, I don't know that for sure . . . I'm merely assuming that the hills northwest of Boulder are full of growers and connoisseurs. This is what I was led to believe after living in the area for five football seasons.
So it's a serious situation. And I probably shouldn't make light of it considering four people are missing, dozens have lost their homes, a popular ranch has burned and they still don't have it anywhere near under control. It's certainly not funny.
But I am continually amazed at people who choose to live in the mountains and then are devastated when a forest fire eventually destroys their property. Fires have been burning in forests since the dawn of time and that's never going to stop. It's nature's way of cleaning and unless you take some pretty radical precautions, you'll be swept under the rug right along with everything else.
I think you assume a pretty high risk when you decide to settle down in a dry, wooded area and I'm not sure you should be surprised when disaster strikes. I would think, if I owned land in such an area, I would be mentally prepared for the day when my house would be reduced to ash and foundation. But every time a fire roars through an affluent mountain town, the majority of folks you see on the news are pained and weeping. And maybe that's the media being dramatic, but, dammit, no matter who you are, you should realize where you live and suck it up. Take your insurance, rebuild, and rest easy knowing that you won't have to deal with another fire for probably the rest of your life. The forest will be back eventually. If not for you, for your kids or grandkids.
That said, I am rather surprised, given where this fire is burning, that they didn't employ the Evergreen Boeing 747 Supertanker. They used several aircraft today to drop 35,000 gallons of retardant. The Supertanker can drop roughly 20,000 gallons in one trip. And I know, for an absolute fact, that the thing is just sitting at an airport in San Bernardino, CA. Seems like a waste of resources.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
But fear not, good things are afoot. As you can see, I worked hard on creating a new banner for the site. I'm also on Twitter now . . . my handle or call sign or whatever you call it is @flip_washington. I have one tweet so far. It's about Hurricane Earl.
Anyway, things will start cranking up around here soon so tell your friends. I love you all and look forward to a glorious six months of blown forecasts and awful fashion statements from the matron saint. Join me, won't you? And have yourself a fine Labor Day weekend.
Yours until the Mayan Calendar Runs Out,
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
You can see the rest here.
You'll be glad to know that, like 9news, I have a weather deck at FKS headquarters. Some of you are aware of this due to my brave coverage of the late March snowstorm earlier in the year. Whelp, I made it up there tonight and while the video captures very little in the way of compelling weather, I think it still might fire you up:
And if that doesn't amuse you in the slightest, perhaps Miami forecaster John Gualardi's Mother's Day forecast teaser will:
Monday, May 17, 2010
What it lacks in complexity, it makes up for in simplicity. Once again Kath is portrayed as a beacon of freedom and hope (in a baseball stadium no less). The irony is not lost on me, sir. Actually, maybe it's not ironic at all. She is, in a twisted way, the American dream: free to "predict" whatever she wants on public airways without repercussion while also being tall and mildly attractive. And she's paid handsomely to do/be these things. That's every immigrant's dream, no? I know it's my dream. I am reasonably tall, so I've got that going for me.
Anyway, much thanks to the Denver Devil, whoever you may be. Be sure to check out his/her flickr . . . even if the photo above is the only one he/she has uploaded thus far. Good things are coming I reckon.
Also, make sure your Spidey sense is up to snuff because it looks like there may be some odd weather heading our way over the next couple of days. Keep your eyes on the sky. And cook me a pie. Apple, por favor.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
My god that is incredible. I am amazed and overjoyed. I'm not even sure what to say, so I'll let the artist, friend of the site and distant relation Old Face Andre, describe his masterpiece:
In this work, Kathy is communicating directly with the heavens through her invisible Spangler-candle. In this rare and mysterious ritual, the powerful heavenly currents surge through her body to Earth, giving her glimpses into future weather patterns situated in and around the Denver Metro area. I chose to depict her as the statue of Liberty, both to symbolize her permanence in Denver meteorological culture and to illustrate the inalienable right to wear bermuda shorts.
Bravo, Andre. I've never been so proud to call you cousin. A brew and burger is on me at My Brother's Bar sometime this weekend. You've earned it.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Well, well, well . . . look who finally came strolling in all dressed up and ready to do some forecastin'. My apologies for the chuckle toward the end of the video, but I couldn't take that tube-of-cherry-red-lipstick ensemble seriously. All I could think about was Dee Reynolds' Desert Rose persona in that episode of "It's Always Sunny" when they wrestle for the troops. That outfit is dog dick red. She looks like the Kool-Aid man's wife. Amazing.
I bet Coniglio's back in the break room stewing as we speak. He does all the heavy lifting for this storm only to have the rug swept out from beneath him at the most critical moment. I can see him sitting there with his hands on his head, a small HD-TV hung in the corner showing Kathy's back yard antics. The volume is low. He looks up at it and stares quizzically for a moment. His Italian blood boils and he stands up solemnly. He straightens his suit. Then the rage then takes hold and he overturns the break room table with a quick underhand lift. Maybe the table catches him on the shin and it just pisses him off more. His face is as red as Kathy's outfit now. He kicks the water cooler with all his might and then storms out of the building. He heads to the Skylark for Heinekens backed by shots of Jameson . . . Jimmy McNulty-style. "This was my storm," he mumbles sadly to the bartender. "This was my storm." The bartender sighs and gives him a round on the house. And hopefully Marty gets lucky.
Anyway, nothing's really changed with the forecast that Marty put together (a lot of moisture, but only a couple of inches of snow here in Denver). I went to the roof of FKS headquarters at 10:32PM to smoke a cigarette and gather some data and can report, at that time, a heavy downpour comprised of half snow and half rain. There was also lightning and thunder. It was exhilarating.
Now it's time for a bourbon and a good, long sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Enjoy the show.
Denver Post - Forecasters Split on Severity of Midweek Snowstorm
5280 Magazine - Snow: Is it Really on the Way?
cbs4denver.com (Zeppelin) - Snow totals will be light around 1 to 3 inches mainly on the grassy areas. If the storm happens to sink just a little further south, Denver has the potential to see one of those heavy, wet, branch-breaking snow events we can see in the springtime. We are keeping a close eye on the developing track of this storm.
9News.com (Coniglio) - Denver could see rain, snow or a rain/snow mix with not too much accumulation. Fort Collins and Loveland may see heavy snowfall.
weather.gov - SNOWFALL AMOUNTS OF 6 TO 14 INCHES ARE EXPECTED ACROSS THE LOWER ELEVATIONS OF EASTERN LARIMER AND NORTHWESTERN WELD COUNTIES INCLUDING FORT COLLINS. THE HEAVY SNOW COULD BREAK TREE LIMBS AND CAUSE POWER OUTAGES. ACROSS THE REST OF THE PLAINS INCLUDING DENVER...BOULDER...GREELEY...AND POINTS EASTWARD ACROSS THE PLAINS...MOST OF THE PRECIPITATION WILL FALL IN THE FORM OF RAIN. HOWEVER...TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO TURN COLD ENOUGH FOR SOME SNOWFALL AND POSSIBLE ACCUMULATIONS OF 1 TO 4 INCHES ON GRASSY SURFACES (ed. note - your medical marijuana grow house?) AFTER MIDNIGHT THROUGH LATE WEDNESDAY MORNING.
The last one seems the most confident, so I'll be trusting it . . . which is the same rationalization your mom uses to date that filthy lawyer.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Where was I? Oh yeah. Spring's half-assed effort in 2010 (in Colorado). Personally, I don't really give a shit that we haven't been blessed with endless days of brilliant sunshine, little wind and temperatures in the 70s. I like the cool weather because it makes me sleep like a bear. Guinness tastes better when it's cold (the weather . . . not the beer, you prick) as well. Ask Gemma up there. But I agree with everybody on the wind. As we've discussed before, wind is Satan's flatulence. Particularly this year with all that pollen and syphilis blowing in the air. It's so bad that, the other day, I found myself hunched over and sneezing wildly at a local Chipotle. Management and customers alike were horrified. I stood up with snot oozing down my face and all over my shirt. No one said a word. It was like church . . . especially with all the accusatory looks. I left and went to Illegal Pete's . . . which is what I should have done in the first place. My apologies to Pete.
On to the great May storm. It looks as though we're going to get some moisture here in Denver, but it seems to be anyone's guess on how much. Gaguilera (above, looking durrrr) thought that Low Pressure would 50/50 the Colorado/New Mexico border giving us the optimal upslope and the massive precip it always provides from this locale. Of course, said prediction is now looking iffy . . . at least according to the models. Coniglio and that bald dude from The Deuce think that the Low will head a little bit north and that will mean less moisture here and more for the north of the state. I urge the Axelrods and Ronnie Cheetahtoes to be on high alert in case these fellars are correct.
Oddly . . . Kathy is nowhere to be found during the time of our greatest need. I have no idea where she might be. Hopefully holding an imaginary candle somewhere sunny:
If any of you FKS readers are handy with Photoshop, please do something awesome with this photo.
Good luck out there the next couple of days,
PS - Speaking of The Deuce, I am hereby declaring my eternal love for Kellie MacMullan. There will be a separate post about this later . . . but I wanted the record to show that old Flip is deeply infatuated at this point.
Mrs. Axelrod originally submitted this post on April 29, 2010. Due to technical difficulties, bouts of heavy drinking and questionable life choices, it took awhile to post it. My apologies to Mrs. Axelrod and my thanks for her continued dedication to and support of FKS.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
It's just so . . . awkward. I bet she's just absolutely brutal to talk to at parties. If anyone can verify this, please let me know.
I headed down to Ft. Lauderdale last week for my annual gator wrestling camp and once again was completely mesmerized by the meteorologists gracing their television screens (click to engorge):
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It is South Florida. These gals are built for speed and hurricane parties and probably do the former at the latter. But they have to know their stuff given the life-threatening weather that can be found in America's wang from June to Thanksgiving. They are magical creatures, friends:
I bet they're awesome to talk to at those hurricane parties.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
That's not a real quote, but it sounds like it could be, doesn't it? I know the liberal use of exclamation marks makes me cringe. People who use exclamation points all over their "formal writing" are guaranteed to be the same people who end every sentence on Facebook with "lol." These people are to be avoided at all costs. Unless they're really, really attractive with loose morals. Even then, take heed. I bring this up because of this:
|Today's Forecast |
Chief Meteorologist Kathy Sabine
|Today's High: 82R° F |
Tonight's Low: 43° F
Last updated: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 9:08:56 PM
*Not implying that Sabine has loose morals!
Friday, March 26, 2010
As I mentioned in the previous post, my forthright and earnest expedition for fresh weather data devolved into a fog of bourbon and belly laughs with friends new and old. It was the right thing to do. Sure, I could've stood outside all night measuring and observing snow, but I generally prefer being inside measuring pints and observing the fairer sex. Just like Jimmy Cantore taught me.
Still, I encountered some fine sights on my travels. Behold:
These (click to enlarge - which is what I also tell the ladies) were shot at the new weather center on top of FKS headquarters. I think you'll agree when you visit, it's got real promise. It also has a BBQ grill with limitless propane.
These came on my walk home. I cut a lot of fresh tracks, which never ceases to make me feel fine. When I got back to headquarters, I stuck my forearm into the most undrifted patch of snow I could find. It came up nearly to my elbow, which I estimate to be 8.9 inches long. That's a healthy snow in just seven hours time. I have no idea if this is what our treasured local meteorologists predicted as I am without television at the current time. Regardless, I was impressed and can only hope we get a similar storm later today. It seems iffy, but it also seems possible. Just like my chances at romance.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Billy Axelrod finds his happy place as Chicken Wing Storm #2 comes crashing into the foothills of Colorado. This is nature and snow measurement at its absolute pinnacle.
AN EPIDEMIC OF SNOW IS ALMOST INEVITABLE ON THE FRONT RANGE . . . STOP . . . I AM IN URGENT NEED OF PHOTOGRAPHS, DRAWINGS OR OTHER GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF THE SNOW'S DEPTH DURING OR AT THE COMPLETION OF THE STORM . . . STOP . . . PLEASE BE SURE YOUR WHISKEY AND CIGARETTE SUPPLIES ARE AMPLE . . . STOP . . . THIS IS NOT A DRILL . . . STOP . . . THE GUILTYWILL BE PUNISHED . . . STOPOnly one heeded the call, and that was Gnomez. Good on ya, amigo. Here he/it is taking a snow bath, which is not the same as a money bath (sadly):
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
But look how excited Gaguilera is. He hasn't been doing shit for the past three months and now it's go time. He's downright giddy to tussle with this storm. God bless him. I feel the same enthusiasm. Of course, I have the day off of work tomorrow and will be spending in sitting in a bar for 12 hours drinking, eating fried foods and watching nonstop basketball (and heavy snow). I was excited to begin with. This common Wing storm (winter/spring - also known as a Chicken Wing storm around these parts) is just icing on the cake.
You know what I bet Dave's been doing during all this down time? Working on his moves:
In the spirit of fair disclosure, that video was shot back in March of Aught Seven. It looks like he's shaking a watermelon while drunk. I don't know if Amelia is still in the picture (ladies). I also can not confirm if Dave is related to Christina, but one can only hope.
But I'm getting off track. We got ourselves a gold ole fashioned winter storm warnin'. That's what's important. I've already sent out White Hot Alerts in telegram form to all veteran FKS weather/genital measurement specialists in the area, so let's hope we get some good photographic evidence of this late winter event. I don't know what more I can say, really. It's going to be awesome. If you'll recall, a similar thing happened a week short of a year ago. That storm lead to a pretty epic night for Flip in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. It also lead to a very epic snow measurement photo sent in by Ronnie Cheetahtoes:
So enjoy it, kind citizens of Denver. Use it as an excuse to not go to work and come by old Flip a few cold ones down at the bar. At the very least, use it as an excuse to leave early. You had a rough week . . . probably because of St. Patrick.
NEW FEATURE - LATE WINTER STORM RECIPES
I was talking with a friend to the blog and she was mentioning that one of her favorite things to do during big snow storms is to cook. It got me to thinking about the Crockpot and all the good shit you can cook in it. So I'll feature one of my Crockpot favorites today and will take reader submissions in the future.
Trailer Park Dip
1 to 1.75lbs. of lean, ground beef
1 to 2 lbs. of Velveeta(TM) processed "cheese"
1 to 2 cans of Rotel(TM) Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies (I prefer one Original and one Hot)
Cube up the Velveeta(TM) and toss it in the crock pot on low. Or high. It doesn't matter. While that takes the form of melted goodness, cook the beef over medium heat. Spice it up before you do. Whatever kind of good stuff you enjoy. I usually go with cayenne, cumin, onion powder a blast of paprika and some Santa Maria(TM). Drain the meat (ha!). Assuming the cheese has melted or is almost melted, splash some milk in there, give it a stir and then throw everything else (Rotel and beef) in. Give it one more stir. Grab yourself some tortilla chips and dig in. Or don't . . . it will be fine marinating in there. You've got all the time in the world. It's snowing really hard outside and you have nowhere to go.
Alright . . . good luck tomorrow. You'll need it . . . for your bracket and your commute. Here are some predictions:
Egger (= boner) 4"-12" (Seriously, Crystal? Terrible)
Corey Christiansen (7News) 6"-12"
Gaguilera (News4) 6"-12"
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Anyway, Stacey's last day is Friday so tune her in (Tokyo) if you get a chance. She deserves a large final audience.
Now I'm just going to bombard you with weather-related videos . . . some of which I'm sure you've seen, some you may have not have. The guy in the middle two is Jim Kosek, who's exploits should be known to some of you diehard FKSheads. The last one, and most boring, is Kath's forecast for the next couple of days. I'm including it because she specifically predicts 2-4 inches and I want motion picture proof for this one. I just have a feeling.
HT B==> - - - Warmingglow
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I imagine you've already seen this other places, but if not, enjoy. This is the kind of perverse moxie I'm looking for in a person who "forecasts" the weather. You're only right 44 percent of the time anyway, might as well have some fun with it. His name is Pete Bouchard. He appears to work in Boston. And if I had to guess he probably has a really small dick. From his bio:
What is one thing about you most people would be surprised by?
That I'm a gearhead who loves heavy equipment. I have a commercial driver license, and I own a Ford LN9000 dump truck with a Cummins L10 engine. Wanna ride?
Anyway, we're getting our first snow since January 6 tonight. 9NEWS
Sorry for the meager amount of posting, but shit, absent a good snow storm, a freakish heat wave or Kath doing something crazy on live television, I don't have much to say right now. We'll pick things up again next month. That I can guarantee.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
This is the same look I imagine someone would have if they saw a UFO floating above a pasture and using a laser to slaughter calves with incredible precision (if you haven't read this article, by the way, please do so post haste . . . if only for this quote: "Only a human or something like that can cut the ears like that." Mike Tyson?). The same look will find her face when she is told that sports anchor Drew Soicher is suspected of having an "inappropriate relationship" with Gidget, the Denver Zoo's NFL prognosticating sea lion (who is fucking terrible at predicting games, by the way).
*lowers eyes, exhales deeply and shakes head back and forth slowly*
If that's not a come hither stare, then I'm not sure what would qualify. Focused, pensive, alluring . . . if she was looking at me like this in a bar I would probably smile, blush and avert my eyes before sending her a cocktail via the barkeep - probably a Prado, because this look makes me believe Kath can handle egg whites in her cocktail. Yeesh, that sounds a little more risque than I intended. Ah well, it's a new decade. Innuendo is all the rage in the Twenty Ten . . . or so the college kids would lead me to believe.
And I would be remiss if I did not bow slightly and congratulate Kath on a job well done for her predictin' of this storm. She was spot on with the snow forecast (2-4, shitbirds) and the rapidly dropping mercury. Sure, the winds weren't quite as strong as she had hoped, but I won't hold that against her. Nobody likes the wind. It is Satan's farts.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Congratulations you crazy kids. That's the Weather Channel's Kim Perez, by the way. If you had a crush on her then I'm sorry to break this news. And will proposing on live television become a new fad in the new decade? I hope so. Anything's better than the Jumbotron proposal.