I Got Your Measurement Right Here (*chops at crotch*)

Sorry about the lack of follow-up on the last snowstorm. I went to a house-warming party Saturday night and enjoyed myself. The cab ride home was heavy on talk about soccer and surprisingly light on fear for my own life considering my cab driver was from Africa and has only been in this country for seven months (and no snow storms). I mistakenly gave him two 20s for a 13 dollar fair. He gave me three dollars change . . . probably not by mistake.

I don't know . . . the storm was pretty awesome, but what can I say? None of the forecasters were really wrong, but that's not difficult when you're predicting 6-12 inches of snow. You give yourself six inches, you'll take a mile or a prostitution rap . . . right? Is that gross? I don't know. I measured precisely 8.12 inches of snow outside of the new and improved FKS Laboratory just southeast of Denver University. I used individual packages of stringed cheese (or should it be string cheese?) to measure. Times are rough. Anyway, here's the only photo I shot:

The Main Event

So there you go . . . whip up a batch of chili, put on your Snuggie(TM) and sip your whiskey, we got ourselves a nice little snow event headed our way.

Speaking of snow, Altieri was dead wrong on his forecast last night, but now there's no way I can prove it because 9News changed the link in the below post to today's forecast. Those sneaky bastards! I guess I'm going to have to start doing screen shots for Altieri's predictions because it seems obvious that someone over there is trying to protect him. Why? I have no idea. We'll have to explore some theories at a later date.

But I do have a new hero. His name is Kirby Kuklenski and owns an Ace Hardware store here in Denver. This is what Mr. Kuklenski said that made me respect him so:

"I do not think people put that much stock in the weatherman."

Amen, brother.

Round Two? Spooky Friday the 13th Predictions and a New Weather Station

Thursday, October 29, 2009 - Historic Lower Downtown Denver, Colorado

Something's going on . . . but I'm not sure anybody quite knows what it is. As I write this at 4:46PM MST (12:46AM CET), a wintery mix is falling at a nice pace. I just took to the streets to do some observation but it was cold, so I opted for a hot, relaxing steam over at the local health club. Now I want a beer. And a gal to cozy up with.

Anyway, I'm not sure anyone really knows how much it's going to snow, but here are some of the predictions from the folks you know and love:

9News . . . Altieri, who may or may not dress up in a Peter Pan outfit and prance about Civic Center Park every Friday the 13th, is calling for four inches of snow tonight (Friday) and then a break followed by 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. He's very non-commital, however . . . just like your girlfriend.

National Weather Service via Denver Post - They're saying it's a Winter Storm Watch, with between 6-12 inches expected by Sunday (most of it falling Saturday afternoon through Sunday). They're really not saying anything about tonight, probably because they're lazy. I respect that. And someone really should come up with or buy me a winter storm watch for my wrist. That would make me pretty god damned happy. Maybe it can be part of the infamous Jim Cantore line of products.

News4 . . . Stacey Donaldson, whose liberal use of librarian spectacles always leads to high pressure systems developing in my pants, directly contradicts Altieri's prediction of four inches tonight by saying there will be no accumulation. Oooooooh . . . a cat fight. (*spitting, hissing sounds*).










Fox31 . . . Dave Fraser, a meteoroligst I'm totally unfamiliar with since I don't think I've ever seen him on television, splits Altieri and Donaldson right down the middle (he wishes). He's calling for 1-4 inches tonight, mainly on your grassy areas . . . and then 6-12 for round two tomorrow night into Sunday.

7News . . . Boring. No attribution, little to no accumulation tonight and the standard issue 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. Very disappointing.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to feel vindicated. My main man Gaguilera reports that people finally pulled their heads out of their asses and built another official weather monitoring station closer to Denver. If you recall, all official weather measurements since 1995 have been taken at Denver International Airport, 20-some miles from the city center. If you also recall, I was outraged by this:

That is complete and utter bullshit in my humble estimation. How does such a thing make sense? Especially with all measurements before 1995 occurring a scant seven miles from the city (at the old Stapleton airport)? Our climatology records are going to be more twisted than the psychological records of Jon & Kate's eight kids in 30 years. There's no continuity and that just can't be a good thing. Studying the climate is all based on static measurements - not switching the location by 20 miles every so often. Damn it!

Color me excited. I hope to get some video up of me pelvic thrusting this new machine soon. In the meantime, if any of you very attractive FKS weather spotters happen to be over by City Park golf course, try to get a picture of this device . . . I'm not too satisfied with the one in the
story:









Better yet, take a picture of you doing something lewd/awesome with the machine and get it to me for publication. There will be a prize for the best photo taken. That prize will likely be either Mexican food or booze or both.

OK . . . stay safe, warm and wet this weekend and if you FKS weather spotters can put down the bottle for 10 minutes, let's try and get some measurement photos, OK? OK.

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Somebody Light a Match

It's been snowing for 52 consecutive hours at this point in time. Fifty two hours. I'm pretty sure that both papal conclaves and wars have transpired in less time. Fifty two hours is how long it took Maurice Garin to win the Paris-Brest-Paris bike race back in 1901. Two years later he won the first Tour de France. In 1904, he won again but was stripped of the title after being accused of cheating. Some things never change. But holy shit was cycling awesome back then. Listen to this:

A bunch of fanatics wielded sticks and shouted insults, setting on the other riders: Maurice and César Garin got a succession of blows, the older brother [Maurice] was hit in the face with a stone. Soon there was general mayhem: "Up with Faure! Down with Garin! Kill them!" they were shouting. Finally cars arrived and the riders could get going thanks to pistol shots. The aggressors disappeared into the night.

Misbehaviour was rife too between riders and nine were thrown out during the race for, among other things, riding in or being pulled by cars . . . Stories spread of riders spreading tacks on the road to delay rivals with punctures, of riders being poisoned by each other or by rival fans. Lucien Petit-Breton said he complained to an official that he had seen a rival hanging on to a motorcycle, only to have the cheating rider pull out a revolver.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't miss a tenth of a second of the Tour de France if this kind of thing was still going on. That's the kind of cheating I can get behind . . . good old fashioned tacks to the tires and beatings from the crowd. That's much more respectable than abusing testosterone or blood doping. They don't gain advantages like they used to (*lazily wags finger . . . pokes you in the chest*).

You know who still delivers like he always has? Ronnie F'in Cheetahtoes, that's who. Take a look at this, sir:

I think we can all agree that a totem pole of Modelo cans in a cross section of snow really tells the story of this storm in a very compelling way. This should be the official unit of measurement going forward for all meteorologists. Forget arbitrary measurement terms like "inches" and "feet," tell us how much snow we're going to get in Modelo cans. That's the kind of thing that will always resonate with us common folk, regardless of our origin. You are a visionary, Mr. Cheetahtoes.

And hey, if booze isn't your thing and you would prefer a measurement alternative, Mr. Cheetahtoes has you covered:

As always, Ronnie, well played. Needless to say, this effort has shot you right to the top of the FKS MVWS (Most Valuable Weather Spotter) watch list for the 2009-2010 season. Your move to Johnstown has done nothing to alter your dedication to the cause and we here at FKS can not thank you enough.

And the ceramic French debutantes really tied this post together, did they not?

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:


This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.

-Flipper

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Something's Happening

Time Stamp: 11:37Pm - 10/27/09

As you can almost see, the mountains remain blue even after this delicious bottle of Coors Light(TM), which was brewed with water from a crisp mountain spring, sat outside for approximately 2.5 hours. This obviously means that the air temperature is cold enough and the moisture content high enough to deliver some icy dandriff to the Mile High City. It also means someone didn't finish their beer. Normally I would frown upon that, but I think this will prove to be a good measuring stick for this snow storm.

But that's neither here nor there. The trivia team finished second and earned 20 SoBro bucks which, as of right now, is trading at 1.21 against the dollar. You can buy a lot of guláš for 20 Sobro bucks, so it was a good evening. There were no weather-related questions.

That doesn't mean the weather didn't play a factor, however. There was much rumbling in this hockey bar when the heavy precipitation knocked out the satellite feed of the Avs 3-0 victory over the Edmonton Oilers. It made me think that any sports bar worth its salt better have at least one cable feed.

Anyway, it's snowing. And the intensity only seems to be . . . intensifying. It's a good thing we have a battery of meteorologists ready to tell us how much of this snow we will see. Let's run down the prediction list, shall we?

9News - In all, the Denver area, especially the west and south sides of town, could see 8 to 14 inches of snow. Foothills locations, including Estes Park out to the Continental Divide, could see 10 to 18 inches of snow by Thursday afternoon.


News 4 - In Colorado, 8 to 14 inches is forecast for the Front Range and 5 to 10 inches in the Denver area. Up to 2 feet is possible in the northern Colorado Front Range foothills and the Laramie Range in southeast Wyoming. (Ed. Note - the entire text of this story/prediction is very Wyoming-centric. Ask yourself: Why is Ed Greene focusing so intently on Wyoming? Once you get the answer, let me know.)

Channel 7 - Mike Nelson gives the grim news . . . Your Wednesday morning commute should be slow, but manageable, but Wednesday night's commute and Thursday morning's commute could get ugly.It looks like accumulations could be in the 6 to 12 inch range for the metro area, with 12-24 inches possible in the foothills and higher elevations along the Front Range. (Ed. Note - Mike Nelson loves a wide birth - he gives himself so much room for error that this shouldn't even count as a prediction.)

Fox 31 - The Front Range and northern I-25 corridor is expected to receive 6 -12" of snow by Thursday afternoon. Denver's south and west suburbs, including Highlands Ranch, Parker and Castle Rock, along with the western foothills, can expect 10 - 20".

Time stamp: 12:48AM - 10/28/09

Weather.gov - Wednesday: Snow and areas of blowing snow. The snow could be heavy at times. High near 30. North northwest wind between 11 and 15 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible. Wednesday Night: Snow and areas of blowing snow. Low around 23. North northwest wind between 8 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible.

Weather.com - Cloudy with snow. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Snow accumulating 4 to 6 inches.

Unlike a septum, no one's really deviating. Check back tomorrow to see how close these sissies are. The Coors Light bottle will not lie. Good night and good snow.

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? He's Currently Sitting on the Can.

Alright, alright, alright . . . things are looking good. The excitement and thirst for dark beer is palpable. A steady rain has already begun to fall, the wind is howling, and the dew point is moist. It's all pointing toward a glorious event. At least I hope. Mainly because I'd like the day off of work. Anyway, I have a game of bar trivia to attend, so I'll update all forecasts later tonight. Possible trivia team names include: The Donkey Show, Sabine's Savants or Pumpkins and Blumpkins. And if you want to buy old Flip a beer, you can do so by venturing over to SoBro 151. There will also be hockey.