Thursday, March 26, 2009

Map Fondling 101

You're seeing that right . . . Kath's fingering (or giving the finger to?) Denver and she's not using lube. She doesn't need it, for Denver's about to wet itself. Predictions are all over the map (as you'll see below), but I think it's safe to say we're in for a substantial bit of snow. This is sorely needed. It is Mother Nature's bailout and unlike posturing Republican politicians, we will accept all that she has to offer. We are a city, nay . . . half a state, that is starving for fluffy white powder. We will roll up our twenty dollar bills and ingest it en masse. We will frolick in it, make angels of it and build men with it. We will take to the streets and drink heavily, betting foolishly on a Friday off from our menial jobs. We will pump our fists and smile.

My theory is that the amount of snow this storm drops will be directly proportional to how quickly our national economy recovers. Much like the drying up of our financial system, Denver has been virtually moisture free since October. This is probably not a coincidence as we all know that the Mile High City is not only the geographical center point of the nation, but also the metaphorical center point of the entire world and perhaps the universe. As our snow totals go, so goes the financial health of the world. That means this storm is critically important and that fact alone places quite a bit of weight upon the shoulders of our forecasters. Can those spineless swindlers shoulder it? Let's take a look:

9News - I watched Kathy in action tonight (see pic above) and she's predicting between 8 and 16 inches here in the city. *Sigh* . . . talk about a wide birth. Way to cover your bases, Kathleen. I hope the actual total is either 7 or 17 inches.

Fox 31 - Chris Dunn, local cheese dick and "one of the first weather forecasters in the country to earn the designation of 'Certified Broadcast Meteorologist'" (whatever the fuck that means) is getting insanely precise and/or handling Denver like he's squeezing one of Phil Mickelson's breasts:

7News - Big Mike Nelson says 8-12 inches between noon and nine tomorrow. Not the first time he's told people (read: women) that.

News4 - Ed Greene's also playing it safe with the 8-16 inch call. Seriously, what's up with our local weather folk groping their maps?

Now for the big boys: - I'm really terrible at math, but by my calculations, I read a 10-18 inch prediction. - 7-12 inches.
- Easily THE most conservative prediction . . . 4-9 inches. Party poopers.

That's about it. Get your supplies prepared. I've got my whiskey, moon boots and Vietnamese soup at the ready and that's all I'll need. And I implore all of you official FKS weather spotters to be on white alert. Make sure you have batteries for your cameras and good ideas for measurement pictures. This is not a drill, you lazy bastards . . . I expect top notch coverage of the Great March Blizzard of Aught Nine (aka - The Tides of Smarch). Please don't let me down again.

Tucked Warmly Under The Winter Storm Warning,


Ken Stevens said...

Hope you have plenty of shit paper bro.

Billy Axelrod said...

This type of weather makes the old rusty sheriffs badge pucker up!

Royal Tennenhorn said...

I believe you mean wide berth rather than wide birth...although 8-16 inches would certainly qualify as a wide birth...and not something I ever want to think about again.