Monday, December 29, 2008

If You Have a Small Dog, Keep an Eye On It When You Let It Out Tonight

"There is a muscular energy in sunlight corresponding to the spiritual energy of wind." ~Annie Dillard

"The spiritual energy of the wind . . . " That shit is laughable, man. Ha. I probably shouldn't say such things about a quote from a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but I don't know anyone who would describe 80 mile per hour gusts of wind (or even 20-40 mph sustained winds) as a "spiritual energy." Wind is depressing, irritating and noisy. You can't piss into it and if you wear contact lenses, the wind can contribute to you going blind temporarily. The only thing it's good for is flying kites and clearing smog out of our fair town (and blowing it on to lesser states like Nebraska).

Friday, December 26, 2008

Mama Nature Bakes a Storm

Early Friday morning . . . the day after Christmas . . . Western Colorado . . . Rain . . . High winds . . . Blizzard warnings . . . Confusion . . . Pee-Wee's Big Adventure . . . Deviled eggs . . . Canadian whiskey . . . Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Mike Nelson Apologizes . . . Sort Of

The crude photo at right is Mike "I Switch Stations" Nelson blurting out what I guess could be considered an apology for his and his weather team's grievous error in judgment when forecasting the latest storm for the Denver Metro area. If you missed it, Mike and his cronies over at Channel 7 predicted 2 to 4 inches of snow in Denver today. As is often the case, there was no snow. Mike went with the oldest excuse in the book and blamed the southeasterly wind. Poor old southeasterly wind . . . always getting shit upon by forecasters who rely too heavily on weather models. Ah well, I suppose Mikey deserves some credit for having the seeds to go on the air and admit when he is wrong. It would appear that he's not the only one who's backpedaling. Coniglio blamed the mountains. What a dick.

I wish I could get more in depth on all the local weather soothsaysers and their follies, but I spent the majority of my day yesterday sitting on a westbound Amtrak train listening to an old hippie/vagabond (who looked a lot like this guy) ratchet up many pints of phlegm and resin from his lungs with deep and sustained coughs. I was concerned he was going to die. Then I wondered to myself: "If this guy does start to enter the throes of death during one of these coughing fits, will you have the mental fortitude to give him CPR and not throw up while doing so?" I came to the conclusion that I would wait for someone else to attempt to save him and if no one volunteered, I would step in. Sad? You bet. But true.

But he was really the least frustrating thing about the trip. I like Amtrak . . . I really do. Any method of travel where you can drink heavily and no one bats an eye is OK in my book. I've traveled by train many a time and had some insanely memorable trips (like getting wrecked in the smoking car for five hours on Super Bowl Sunday (Rams vs. Patriots) with a cowboy poet and bondage models). I haven't rode (ridden?) the rails in a couple of years and was thoroughly disappointed with the shape our national rail service is in . . . well, maybe just the California Zephyr. Sure, the train was seven hours late getting to Denver, but that's somewhat acceptable given the brutality of the weather back east over the past few days. But the state of the cars was just pathetic. Lights were out, chairs were broken, bathrooms were in disrepair, doors between cars didn't work . . . it's like they just said, "Fuck it . . . we'll just let the cars go until they can't go no more." C'mon, Amtrak. You can do better. Shit, the Feds are handing over bailouts left and right. Go get some of it. I know, I know, you're already heavily subsidized. But that shouldn't stop you from asking for more. It's the new American way.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Official Press Release Regarding Jim Cantore Figurine

(JUST-PROUST)(JPR) Just Proust, Inc. Announces New Item in Award-Winning Jim Cantore Series

Business Editors

DENVER--(FKS WIRE)--Dec. 17, 2008--Just Proust Inc.(R) is pleased to announce that Jim Cantore's "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition"(TM) is now available for public purchase.

The Jim Cantore Series blends the power and grace of the Weather Channel's on-air meteorologist (and favorite son) Jim Cantore into an anatomically correct figurine. Since its inception, the Jim Cantore line of dolls has replaced Mattel's "Ken" as the preferred partner for Barbie(TM)(R).

Highlights of the Jim Cantore "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition" figurine:
  • Microphone Grip
  • Twenty seven different weather-related phrases "spoken" by Jim through small speakers located beneath his jowels. Phrases are triggered by text message and include such gems as "Hey Barbie, what's up? Ever see a high pressure ridge?"
  • Miniature Armani suit
  • Authentic NorthFace(TM) cold weather gear
  • Personal hygiene kit
  • Specialized nozzle for attachment to home garden hose that pelts Jim with simulated rain or snow at 200 mph
  • Separate action figures for the weather desk (Choose Severe Weather Expert Dr. Greg Forbes, Tropical Weather Expert Dr. Steve Lyons, or the Old Guy from CSU)
  • Separate action figures for on-air personalities (Choose two from the following list: Christina Abernathy, Stephanie Abrams (rowr), Vivian Brown, Paul Goodloe, Warren Madden, Sharon Resultan, Mike Seidel and Heather Tesch)
  • One tanning bed
  • Working remote cameras that can be broadcast over home television set
  • Simulated weather satellite (fishing line not included)
  • Jim's Big Book of Weather Advice ("Never run out of a hotel bar into a thunderstorm without a shirt . . .") and True Stories: Confessions of a Weather Man (Jamaica can be a cold hearted woman . . .")
  • One large pile of raw weather data
Much more is available in this limited edition collectible - a perfect gift for the holidays.

Also available is the original Jim Cantore Doll, along with the necessary accessories to create such characters as: Hurricane Jim, Winter Storm Warning Jim, Tornado Cantore, Arctic Circle Jerk Jim, Avalanche Jim, Vacation Jim, Rip Tide Jim and, coming soon, Perfect Storm Jim. See local retailers for more information.

About Just Proust, Inc.

Just Proust, Inc. (R) is a multi-faceted, world-enhancing company strategically focusing on market leadership in the areas of figurines, t-shirts, photography, film production and possibly cloud seeding. Founded in 1869 by William "Billy" Just, Just Proust has offices in Denver, Seattle and Blue Mountain Lake, New York.

Just Proust, the Just Proust logo and perhaps Jim Cantore are all trademarks or registered trademarks of Just Proust, Inc.


CONTACT: Just Proust, Inc.
Flip Washington

* Please note that this release was actually started seven years ago - special thanks to Bruce P. for the collaboration and wisdom

Monday, December 15, 2008

Things You Shouldn't Do Outside When It's Negative 18 Degrees Fahrenheit

1) Stick your tongue to any metal structure

2) Cry

3) Sleep

4) Expose your genitals

5) Sweat

6) Anything

Back-t0-back record low setting days! Woo! Minus 15 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday and then an encore of minus 18 this morning. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Holy shit this is terrible and I'm glad I don't live farther to the north where this kind of weather is commonplace."

*Extends middle finger to Mother Nature*

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Early AM Update

Must be a cold front comin' . . . 'cause I saw the west bound C&O . . . and the coal cars were dusted . . . with a half inch of snow.

At 3:08AM MST, things look dusty and bone chilling on the streets of Denver proper. Everybody in the meteorology business (aka weathotainment) says to expect between 1-3 inches by Sunday evening. But they also hate themselves and their jobs. I believe them, however, when they say that it's going to be ball-shrinkingly cold tomorrow. The official arrival of the Arctic/Polar/Nipple-Erecting air came at exactly 10:24PM Saturday. I know because I was there, observing and admiring. I was also slugging whiskey and smoking a cigarette. I had initially and foolishy wagered a 1:04AM arrival of the cold front with several meteorologiphiles. I lost several dollars and a little dignity/pride in the wager, but I enjoyed the action nonetheless. I also enjoyed the anti-Sabine sentiment that permeated the holiday party scene. I found out that I am not alone in my weather prognosication skepticism, and that made me smile. A smile that will be promptly wiped off my face in about 7 hours when I awake parched, hungover and shivering. Whatever . . . it was worth it. And there's a lot of football on tomorrow.

Also, I guarantee you that Sabine is not up keeping an eye on the weather at this hour. I am. She's probably asleep under a comforter made of sunshine, money and happiness. Meanwhile, I'm still awake . . . mainly because I care about you and want you to be updated on the weather here in Denver (and maybe the whole state) 19-7-365. At 3:27AM it's still snowing and is horribly cold.

Good luck out there. Have a really lazy Sunday. Go Broncos.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

First Official Reader-Submitted Measurement Photo . . . Yes!

Kudos to you, Ronnie Cheetahtoes, for sending in the fine snow measurement picture taken Tuesday, Dec. 9 in Greeley, Colorado. It would appear that the official tally there was 1/16th of an inch. An impressive haul, no doubt. But more impressive is Ronnie Cheetahtoes going out of his way on probably a busy day to help contribute to the awesomeness and seriousness that is The rest of you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Cheetahtoes. And, for his efforts, he will be receiving a photo of Kathy Sabine signed by me and perhaps a black umbrella. You're a good man, Ronnie Cheetahtoes . . . and thorough.

I got a very intimate look at this latest storm. I was given tickets to the Monday night Ryan Adams/Oasis show being held at the Broomfield Events Center just off the Boulder Turnpike. I left work at 6:00PM just as the driving snow was beginning to fall. The normally 15 minute drive to and from the venue turned into an hour each way. The snow came down at such an awesome pace that the badasses who drive the CDOT snowplows couldn't keep up. Throw in a sustained 18 MPH northeasterly wind and it was chaos on the roadways. But I gotta give credit to the drivers out during that maelstrom . . . that was some fine maneuvering, folks. Especially those of you that were drunk when the concert was over and the storm was at its height. You didn't even flinch . . . or flip your cars . . . and for that, I am grateful. It was yet another reminder that, while we in Colorado completely melt down behind the wheel during any kind of rain storm, we also show the utmost in skill and focus when it comes to driving in snow. It makes me swell with pride and throw some punches in the air.

Photo credit: Sledden

"Get to the snow totals, douchebag," is what you're likely thinking. You're right again. Enough of my driving jibber jabber. Sad as this is, it would appear that everyone (aside from was pretty much right on with their liberal predictions (2-5 Meto area, 5-10 south and west burbs). That National Weather Service reported these "official" snow totals for Monday night's/Tuesday morning's storm:

Arvada - 7 inches
Aspen - 9 inches
Castle Rock - 8 inches
Conifer - 13 inches
Denver - 5 inches
Delta - 0 inches
Flip Washington's FKS Weather Headquarters (aka ElBro Laboratories) - 4.7 inches
Frederick - 2 inches
Gennesee - 7 inches
Greeley - 1/16th of an inch
Louisville - 9 inches
Parker - 6 inches
Snowmass - 17 inches
Telluride - 14 inches
Thort-en - 5 inches

If your location wasn't included in the above, I don't really give a shit. It's your responsibility to update me. Get on it.

As far as grading out the local weather teams, well, they all get B-'s this time around. I can't go higher because they dropped the ball on some of the Northern suburbs and you just can't be doing that shit. Also, I don't like a three inch spread when it comes to predictions. Two to five inches just doesn't cut it with Flip Washington. Three to five inches? Now that's some predictin' I can get behind. You hear me, Egger?

There are whispers of another storm coming Sunday/Monday. We here at FKS will monitor it closely, of course, and keep you abreast on all the latest tomfoolery perpetrated by Denver's dimmest meteorologists.

Thank you for your patronage. I love you. I mean that.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Crystal Egger's Cold Front Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Whelp, 11AM has come and gone and there's still no sign of any moisture - at least not downtown. But the skies are looking ominous and/or angry. I, for one, welcome their bitterness and hope they unleash a fine squall for our evening entertainment. All of the local stations are currently predicting between 2-5 inches of frozen crystals to fall from the sky here in the Denver Metro area. is going with a conservative 1-3 inches while is predicting between 3-6. Almost everyone is in agreement that the southern and western sections of town may see anywhere between 5-10 inches of snow by Tuesday morning. It's all very exciting. So is the poor man's Erin Andrews of Denver weather forecasting, Crystal Egger. If you are not familiar with her, may I suggest you make your introduction here. Also, this is an official call to all FKS weather spotters to be on alert and ready to make snowfall measurements tomorrow morning or late tonight (and photograph/video these measurements), preferably using something unconventional. This is also a call to all high school kids to find an empty parking lot to spin donuts in once enough snow has fallen. That is all.


Get ready, Denver, we're only four minutes away from rain/snow:

9NEWS Meteorologist Nick Carter expects a mix of rain and snow to develop around the Denver area by 11 a.m. Monday. As temperatures become colder, the precipitation will change into all snow by late Monday afternoon. Any accumulation during the day on Monday will be minor.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Totaling Your Snow

I have to give 9News credit . . . they're the only local media entity I can find (although I didn't look very hard) who put up the snow totals from this most recent "storm." Although I gotta say, it doesn't seem that official. Witness this note at the top of the page:

Below are the latest snow totals advailable [sic]. Please send updated totals to

So basically, any of you Colorado residents should come up with any number you want for your locale and fire that off to 9News for publication on their website as official. Or you can send a photo of yourself measuring the snow with something unusual (cigarettes, naked ladies, soy sauce bottles) to or and I will gladly post it and ponder it here. I would like to put 9News snow totals page to shame. That is my new goal. I need your help.

* * * * * * *

Five fucking degrees below zero last night in Denver. What the hell? That ties a 99-year-old record for lowest temperature on a December 4th but, to my knowledge, no one told us it was going to get anywhere near that cold. All the reports I read had the low being between seven and 10 degrees above zero. "Well that's only a few degrees off," you're probably saying. "What's the big deal?" I bet 10 degrees difference is a huge deal for the homeless, but you're right, it made no difference to me. Sorry for troubling you.

* * * * * * *

Lastly, watch out for the fuzz if you're cruising I-70 today:

Have a warm weekend everybody!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hits & Misses - Part 2

At left is Kathy (I think - it might be Audra from Rocky's Autos) at the height of her powers slumming with what appears to be Bob Kendrick and Kirk Montgomery. I was watching a 9News segment Friday or Saturday night and they were previewing the "Lighting the Lights" ceremony at the City and County Building. Some woman anchor was giving Kirk shit about his voice being hoarse (he was due to sing at the event minutes later) and his hair looking bad. Kirk seemed positively rattled by these digs and looked genuinely afraid. It was probably the most hilarious thing I've seen on 9News in the past five years.

I also found this comment from, made in reference to the top story about the cold and potential snow, to be amusing and/or spot on:

gobadgerzzz wrote:
Please, 9 News, I am begging and pleading with you. Don't make a "trace-2 inch" prediction of snow the lead story, like it was last night on your 5:00 news. You just set yourself up to look clueless. Don't you realize that when you make snow the LEAD STORY (no matter how little your prediction is), it is all anyone can talk about around town? It's all I hear about at work, at the grocery store, at the bank. People talking about snow coming cause you hyped it up as THE LEAD STORY both on the news and your website! Viewers don't even wait to hear how much is predicted, they just hear SNOW and run with it. Everyone expects a lot of snow, then you wake up, and nothing. You look like fools when you do this! Even my husband got called into DIA for SNOW REMOVAL last night. Had to go in at 2:00 a.m.!! Guess what? No snow!! How many other businesses did the same because of your hyped up story? Please! Common sense. For small amounts of snow like this, it can wait for the regular weather segment. It is, after all, the mountains we live in.

Anyway, it's the evening rush hour and, from what I see out my window, there is nary a flake flying. This means the second part of Kathy's prediction last night ends in FAILURE. There will be no snow affecting the evening drive. Good. I don't want her to start getting too accurate all of the sudden. But her forecast, as well as everyone else's, is being quickly revised to include a minimal shot of snow tomorrow. A breakdown: - Low of 22 tonight, High of 28 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night - Low of 16 tonight, High of 25 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
9News - Low of 14 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
7News - Low of 12 tonight, High of 21 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
News4 - Low of 19 tonight, High of 27 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
Fox31 - Low of I don't know - he didn't say, High of 25 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Channel 2 - Low of 15 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 inches of snow by Thursday night

Hits & Misses - Part 1

After almost a week of no Sabine, I made it a point last night to watch Mrs. Red Umbrella in action and can report the following: She was spot on with regard to what time the winds would kick up as the polar air mass moved through the Denver metro area. At 11:00PM Tuesday night, high winds ushered in noticeably frigid air and low, wispy, fast-moving clouds. I smoked a cigarette as I watched it all go down and nodded my head in an approving manner, for I was duly impressed with the Sabinenomics unfolding before me. But Kathleen also said, and I paraphrase, "There will be snow on your way into work and on your way home." She was definite about this snow and at first I thought, "Wow, good work giving yourself such a large window." People generally go to work anytime between 6:00 and 10:00AM and come home between 3:00PM and 7:00PM. Any hint of snow during those periods and Kathy could kick back with a relaxing glass of Pinot and revel in the self satisfaction of being correct on her snow forecast. Well, get the corkscrew out because, according to my sources, one sixteenth of an inch of snow fell at some point this morning. Well done, Kath! You fucking nailed it! I will monitor the afternoon precipitation from my personal weather center high above the streets in the heart of the city and report back on the accuracy of Mrs. Sabine's second drive-time forecast. Until then . . . I bid you goodbye and hope your Wednesday kicks ass. Stay warm, won't you?

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Snow Far Away From Me

I tried to get a screen shot or some other proof, but you're just going to have to trust me when I tell you that this is what has up on their website as of 5:38PM MST on Tuesday, Dec. 2. Granted, they also have a video with Angie Austin talking about a trace of snow tonight and very cold temperatures tomorrow, but, for whatever reason, they've left this forecast box up as well. This is why I leave Channel 2 out of most of my weather prediction blog entries . . . they are the weather team that rides the short bus. Or I guess, in more appropriate terms, they are the weather team with the small doppler radar.

By the way, what happened to Angie Austin? I used to positively lust after her in the mornings before work a few years ago what with her playful demeanor and propensity to wear shirts that accented/revealed her impressive bosom. Now she looks like she's auditioning to become a grandmother. I think she was married recently. Maybe she's just letting herself go. That's cool. But it's also sad. Another one bites the dust. You're next, Sabine.

Anyway, all the other stations are predicting between a trace and two inches here in the metro Denver area with more to our north and west. It's also going to be balls cold for a couple of days, so plan accordingly.

And my apologies for missing all the fun over the weekend. I'm sure there was a ton of excitement and panic from folks like Mike Nelson and I'm sorry I missed it. I did manage to drive through the mountains yesterday, however, and can confirm the existence of multiple feet of snow in certain locations.

That's all for now . . . enjoy your inch of snow and high winds tonight.