Friday, March 27, 2009

And The Award For Most Valuable Weather Spotter(s) Goes To . . .

No surprise here, it's Billy Axelrod and Ronnie Cheetahtoes. Both men will receive the highly coveted UFO Umbrella Caps in honor of their bravery, courage and creativity under extreme meteorological duress:
But their heroism pales in comparison to the manimal Ronnie Cheetahtoes used in his official snow measurement photo:

I do not know this individual, whom I will call the Abominable Snow Ostrich until I get a real alias, but I salute him for risking hypothermia, pneumonia and severe head rush for the FKS cause. The bourbon's on me next time I'm up north, pal. Not the cheap shit either, only the best for the man who created the single greatest snow measurement photo of all time. Brav-fuckin-o, sir. Brav-fucking-o.

God that's awesome. You're not going to see this kind of effort and intensity out of any of the National Weather Service's weather spotters, I'll tell you that much. Those pansies march around in expensive snow suits with their fancy metal poles and then, when they're done measuring, they run back inside to drink hot chocolate and pee sitting down. Not FKS weatherspotters. They are made of molten steel and dull razor blades.

Anyway, Mr. Cheetahtoes official measurement somewhere on 1st Ave. in Greeley was 8.5 inches of snow.

Mr. Cheetahtoes's colleague and fellow LPGA fan Billy Axelrod also got busy with the measuring and sent in the following report:

"Based upon my previous experience in meteorological data collection I have provided to FKS the following photos: A picture of a corporate cafeteria plastic lunch fork generally used to stir up the wretched 3-day old pasta that consumes the office microwave and then spreads throughout the office slowly. It is then that this dolt of a human being sits down directly across from my personal space and eats this filth where it then leaks out of his pores and will forever stick to the fabric that lines my cubicle. Having said that I used the fork to show the shear power of this storm and what accumulation in CO should look like.

"The other photo is a measurement using a standard made in America Westcott ruler. Westcott has been making these little bad boys since 1872. Sham-on. My official FKS measurement at 3801 Automation Way in Ft. Collins, CO is 8 1/16 inches."

I don't think any more needs to be said. Top notch data collection, sir. You are a true professional and don't let anyone tell you different. If they do, give them a roundhouse kick.

I also took a few photos of the storm, but they are not nearly as amusing as the above. However, since I went to great lengths to secure batteries for my camera, I'm going to humor myself and put them up:

This one is important because it was taken with my cell phone. Shortly after this was shot, my phone suffered what appears to be a fatal error after getting too much moisture from these streaking snowflakes. The only way I can get it to work at this point is by jamming tin foil into where the charger plugs in. Doing this makes it look like my phone's taking a shit.

After a long, tough day of weather observation, nothing smooths you out quite like a freshly poured Guinness. Unfortunately, I was not able to get any official measurements in the city as the constant and substantial wind prevented finding a spot that wasn't tainted by drifting. If I had to guess, I would estimate 9 7/16th inches fell in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. But if "official" numbers excite you, head on over to the NWS site . . . they got some fresh, hot data to pour over.

Thanks again to Mr. Cheetahtoes, Mr. Axelrod and Mr. Abominable Snow Ostrich for participation in documenting The Tides of Smarch. Mission Accomplished!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Map Fondling 101

You're seeing that right . . . Kath's fingering (or giving the finger to?) Denver and she's not using lube. She doesn't need it, for Denver's about to wet itself. Predictions are all over the map (as you'll see below), but I think it's safe to say we're in for a substantial bit of snow. This is sorely needed. It is Mother Nature's bailout and unlike posturing Republican politicians, we will accept all that she has to offer. We are a city, nay . . . half a state, that is starving for fluffy white powder. We will roll up our twenty dollar bills and ingest it en masse. We will frolick in it, make angels of it and build men with it. We will take to the streets and drink heavily, betting foolishly on a Friday off from our menial jobs. We will pump our fists and smile.

My theory is that the amount of snow this storm drops will be directly proportional to how quickly our national economy recovers. Much like the drying up of our financial system, Denver has been virtually moisture free since October. This is probably not a coincidence as we all know that the Mile High City is not only the geographical center point of the nation, but also the metaphorical center point of the entire world and perhaps the universe. As our snow totals go, so goes the financial health of the world. That means this storm is critically important and that fact alone places quite a bit of weight upon the shoulders of our forecasters. Can those spineless swindlers shoulder it? Let's take a look:

9News - I watched Kathy in action tonight (see pic above) and she's predicting between 8 and 16 inches here in the city. *Sigh* . . . talk about a wide birth. Way to cover your bases, Kathleen. I hope the actual total is either 7 or 17 inches.

Fox 31 - Chris Dunn, local cheese dick and "one of the first weather forecasters in the country to earn the designation of 'Certified Broadcast Meteorologist'" (whatever the fuck that means) is getting insanely precise and/or handling Denver like he's squeezing one of Phil Mickelson's breasts:

7News - Big Mike Nelson says 8-12 inches between noon and nine tomorrow. Not the first time he's told people (read: women) that.

News4 - Ed Greene's also playing it safe with the 8-16 inch call. Seriously, what's up with our local weather folk groping their maps?

Now for the big boys: - I'm really terrible at math, but by my calculations, I read a 10-18 inch prediction. - 7-12 inches.
- Easily THE most conservative prediction . . . 4-9 inches. Party poopers.

That's about it. Get your supplies prepared. I've got my whiskey, moon boots and Vietnamese soup at the ready and that's all I'll need. And I implore all of you official FKS weather spotters to be on white alert. Make sure you have batteries for your cameras and good ideas for measurement pictures. This is not a drill, you lazy bastards . . . I expect top notch coverage of the Great March Blizzard of Aught Nine (aka - The Tides of Smarch). Please don't let me down again.

Tucked Warmly Under The Winter Storm Warning,

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Answered Prayers?

Here we go. A full blown WINTER STORM WATCH has been issued for the Front Range of this absolute gem of a state we call Colorado. I can't be sure, but I think this is the first one of aught nine and it has me as giddy as the paparazzi that chase the Octomom.

The prospect of 6+ inches of snow excites me. Does it excite you? I bet it does. It should. We've been on a collective dry spell for the past six months and it's high time we scored. Hoggin' has never potentially felt so good, has it? Watching Kathy gently caress the Colorado/New Mexico border tonight (showing the predicted path of the Low Pressure) nearly brought me to orgasm. I'll even forgive the fact that both she and Marty were predicting only a light snow on Thursday as recently as last night if they're (and every other weather predicting service) correct with their heavy snowfall prediction.

But if they're wrong, may God/Allah have mercy on their pitiful meteorlogical souls. I will wish death/termination of employment upon them all. Too often this winter/early spring they have hoped for and promised moisture only to leave us, the proud citizen, looking like saps for believing a single word that comes out of their moufs. No more. We will FIX THEY MOUFS! We will rise up like a collective centipede and crawl all over their pathetic but well groomed faces. I'm depending on you to rise up with me, so don't let me down, OK?

That's enough for now. No sense counting predictions before they're broadcast on local television stations. I'll be back tomorrow with more as we lead up to THE STORM OF THE LAST YEAR OF THE DECADE.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Smoke The Dust Bowl

Earlier I had expressed extreme optimism, bonerism and excitement with regard to a low pressure front's predicted path. It was supposed to tease the Colorado/New Mexico border which likely would've meant upslope winds and a good chance of heavy moisture here in the Mile High. Turns out the fucking thing is too far north meaning little in the way of much needed precip in these parts and a blizzard for those poor saps in Wyoming and further up the Northern Great Plains, where they definitely don't need it. Eat shit, Mother Nature. You are a cruel, unforgiving wench with lopsided tits and a terrible attitude. That's right. I said it. What are you going to do about it? Tie us up and screw us with a drilldo? You don't have the guts.

Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that something squirrely will happen, but Negative Nancy and Coniglio are not exactly giving me much reason to believe. Hopefully their collective prediction is as accurate as my bracket predicitons.

Also, it was 79 degrees here today, tying a record (/makes wanking motion). This seems like the 11th record high we've tied or broken in the last couple of months and it's getting kind of old. I know a lot of people back east would want to punch me in the face for complaining about an extremely warm winter/early spring, and I respect and welcome that, but enough is enough. Make with the moisture.

I love you,

Friday, March 20, 2009


I have a mighty good feeling about this. Do your worst, Mother Nature. We deserve it.