RT @MotherNature69: I'm going to bury the High, Mild City

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Smarch Madness

Finally. We've waited damn near all winter for Mother Nature to lay down upon us and it looks as though she's finally ready to make it happen . . . starting in the next couple of hours. Women. Always making you wait just a little bit longer.

But look how excited Gaguilera is. He hasn't been doing shit for the past three months and now it's go time. He's downright giddy to tussle with this storm. God bless him. I feel the same enthusiasm. Of course, I have the day off of work tomorrow and will be spending in sitting in a bar for 12 hours drinking, eating fried foods and watching nonstop basketball (and heavy snow). I was excited to begin with. This common Wing storm (winter/spring - also known as a Chicken Wing storm around these parts) is just icing on the cake.

You know what I bet Dave's been doing during all this down time? Working on his moves:


In the spirit of fair disclosure, that video was shot back in March of Aught Seven. It looks like he's shaking a watermelon while drunk. I don't know if Amelia is still in the picture (ladies). I also can not confirm if Dave is related to Christina, but one can only hope.

But I'm getting off track. We got ourselves a gold ole fashioned winter storm warnin'. That's what's important. I've already sent out White Hot Alerts in telegram form to all veteran FKS weather/genital measurement specialists in the area, so let's hope we get some good photographic evidence of this late winter event. I don't know what more I can say, really. It's going to be awesome. If you'll recall, a similar thing happened a week short of a year ago. That storm lead to a pretty epic night for Flip in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. It also lead to a very epic snow measurement photo sent in by Ronnie Cheetahtoes:

So enjoy it, kind citizens of Denver. Use it as an excuse to not go to work and come by old Flip a few cold ones down at the bar. At the very least, use it as an excuse to leave early. You had a rough week . . . probably because of St. Patrick.

NEW FEATURE - LATE WINTER STORM RECIPES

I was talking with a friend to the blog and she was mentioning that one of her favorite things to do during big snow storms is to cook. It got me to thinking about the Crockpot and all the good shit you can cook in it. So I'll feature one of my Crockpot favorites today and will take reader submissions in the future.

Trailer Park Dip
1 to 1.75lbs. of lean, ground beef
1 to 2 lbs. of Velveeta(TM) processed "cheese"
1 to 2 cans of Rotel(TM) Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies (I prefer one Original and one Hot)

Cube up the Velveeta(TM) and toss it in the crock pot on low. Or high. It doesn't matter. While that takes the form of melted goodness, cook the beef over medium heat. Spice it up before you do. Whatever kind of good stuff you enjoy. I usually go with cayenne, cumin, onion powder a blast of paprika and some Santa Maria(TM). Drain the meat (ha!). Assuming the cheese has melted or is almost melted, splash some milk in there, give it a stir and then throw everything else (Rotel and beef) in. Give it one more stir. Grab yourself some tortilla chips and dig in. Or don't . . . it will be fine marinating in there. You've got all the time in the world. It's snowing really hard outside and you have nowhere to go.

Alright . . . good luck tomorrow. You'll need it . . . for your bracket and your commute. Here are some predictions:

Sabine 6"-12"

Weather.com 5"-7"

Egger (= boner) 4"-12" (Seriously, Crystal? Terrible)

Corey Christiansen (7News) 6"-12"

Gaguilera (News4) 6"-12"

Weather.gov 5"-12"

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Somebody Light a Match

It's been snowing for 52 consecutive hours at this point in time. Fifty two hours. I'm pretty sure that both papal conclaves and wars have transpired in less time. Fifty two hours is how long it took Maurice Garin to win the Paris-Brest-Paris bike race back in 1901. Two years later he won the first Tour de France. In 1904, he won again but was stripped of the title after being accused of cheating. Some things never change. But holy shit was cycling awesome back then. Listen to this:

A bunch of fanatics wielded sticks and shouted insults, setting on the other riders: Maurice and César Garin got a succession of blows, the older brother [Maurice] was hit in the face with a stone. Soon there was general mayhem: "Up with Faure! Down with Garin! Kill them!" they were shouting. Finally cars arrived and the riders could get going thanks to pistol shots. The aggressors disappeared into the night.

Misbehaviour was rife too between riders and nine were thrown out during the race for, among other things, riding in or being pulled by cars . . . Stories spread of riders spreading tacks on the road to delay rivals with punctures, of riders being poisoned by each other or by rival fans. Lucien Petit-Breton said he complained to an official that he had seen a rival hanging on to a motorcycle, only to have the cheating rider pull out a revolver.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't miss a tenth of a second of the Tour de France if this kind of thing was still going on. That's the kind of cheating I can get behind . . . good old fashioned tacks to the tires and beatings from the crowd. That's much more respectable than abusing testosterone or blood doping. They don't gain advantages like they used to (*lazily wags finger . . . pokes you in the chest*).

You know who still delivers like he always has? Ronnie F'in Cheetahtoes, that's who. Take a look at this, sir:

I think we can all agree that a totem pole of Modelo cans in a cross section of snow really tells the story of this storm in a very compelling way. This should be the official unit of measurement going forward for all meteorologists. Forget arbitrary measurement terms like "inches" and "feet," tell us how much snow we're going to get in Modelo cans. That's the kind of thing that will always resonate with us common folk, regardless of our origin. You are a visionary, Mr. Cheetahtoes.

And hey, if booze isn't your thing and you would prefer a measurement alternative, Mr. Cheetahtoes has you covered:

As always, Ronnie, well played. Needless to say, this effort has shot you right to the top of the FKS MVWS (Most Valuable Weather Spotter) watch list for the 2009-2010 season. Your move to Johnstown has done nothing to alter your dedication to the cause and we here at FKS can not thank you enough.

And the ceramic French debutantes really tied this post together, did they not?

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:


This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.

-Flipper

First Official Reader-Submitted Measurement Photo . . . Yes!

Kudos to you, Ronnie Cheetahtoes, for sending in the fine snow measurement picture taken Tuesday, Dec. 9 in Greeley, Colorado. It would appear that the official tally there was 1/16th of an inch. An impressive haul, no doubt. But more impressive is Ronnie Cheetahtoes going out of his way on probably a busy day to help contribute to the awesomeness and seriousness that is FireKathySabine.blogspot.com. The rest of you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Cheetahtoes. And, for his efforts, he will be receiving a photo of Kathy Sabine signed by me and perhaps a black umbrella. You're a good man, Ronnie Cheetahtoes . . . and thorough.

I got a very intimate look at this latest storm. I was given tickets to the Monday night Ryan Adams/Oasis show being held at the Broomfield Events Center just off the Boulder Turnpike. I left work at 6:00PM just as the driving snow was beginning to fall. The normally 15 minute drive to and from the venue turned into an hour each way. The snow came down at such an awesome pace that the badasses who drive the CDOT snowplows couldn't keep up. Throw in a sustained 18 MPH northeasterly wind and it was chaos on the roadways. But I gotta give credit to the drivers out during that maelstrom . . . that was some fine maneuvering, folks. Especially those of you that were drunk when the concert was over and the storm was at its height. You didn't even flinch . . . or flip your cars . . . and for that, I am grateful. It was yet another reminder that, while we in Colorado completely melt down behind the wheel during any kind of rain storm, we also show the utmost in skill and focus when it comes to driving in snow. It makes me swell with pride and throw some punches in the air.


Photo credit: Sledden

"Get to the snow totals, douchebag," is what you're likely thinking. You're right again. Enough of my driving jibber jabber. Sad as this is, it would appear that everyone (aside from weather.com) was pretty much right on with their liberal predictions (2-5 Meto area, 5-10 south and west burbs). That National Weather Service reported these "official" snow totals for Monday night's/Tuesday morning's storm:

Arvada - 7 inches
Aspen - 9 inches
Castle Rock - 8 inches
Conifer - 13 inches
Denver - 5 inches
Delta - 0 inches
Flip Washington's FKS Weather Headquarters (aka ElBro Laboratories) - 4.7 inches
Frederick - 2 inches
Gennesee - 7 inches
Greeley - 1/16th of an inch
Louisville - 9 inches
Parker - 6 inches
Snowmass - 17 inches
Telluride - 14 inches
Thort-en - 5 inches

If your location wasn't included in the above, I don't really give a shit. It's your responsibility to update me. Get on it.

As far as grading out the local weather teams, well, they all get B-'s this time around. I can't go higher because they dropped the ball on some of the Northern suburbs and you just can't be doing that shit. Also, I don't like a three inch spread when it comes to predictions. Two to five inches just doesn't cut it with Flip Washington. Three to five inches? Now that's some predictin' I can get behind. You hear me, Egger?

There are whispers of another storm coming Sunday/Monday. We here at FKS will monitor it closely, of course, and keep you abreast on all the latest tomfoolery perpetrated by Denver's dimmest meteorologists.

Thank you for your patronage. I love you. I mean that.