Sunday, November 23, 2008

An Open Letter to Stephanie Abrams of the Weather Channel

Dear Stephanie,

Hey (winks), how are you? I trust well. You're looking good and you're forecasting like a savant, so I'm guessing things are going pretty decent. I'm so, so proud of the good work you've been doing on Abrams & Bettes(TM) . . . and the fact that your show has survived for so long when most Weather Channel series fail quickly is truly an indication of just how brightly your star is shining. Sure, Bettes is pretty cool, but c'mon. It's you the people are tuning in for, Steph (can I call you Steph?). There are many reasons why we the viewers love you . . . you're humble proclamation that you are just a weather nerd at heart; your inability to control the volume of your voice; the rumors that you were a renowned partier while attending the University of Florida; your unusually large mouth; your wonky eye and of course, your world class mams.

Sweet baby Christ you are a good looking gal, Steph. What hurricane was this? I'm pretty sure it was 2005 and I want to say said hurricane had an "I" name, but I just can't remember. Hell, I'm not sure I even knew then. Watching you work in that form-fitting grey t-shirt was mesmerizing to the point of complete debilitation. This is the day I fell in love. There you were taking stock of the destruction on the ground, and there I was, sitting bolt upright taking stock of my rising barometric pressure (winks twice). I had never felt so strongly about someone I had seen on TV, Steph, and this includes Kelly Bundy and any number of women from the Emanuelle series on Showtime.

I'm just going to come out and say it . . . we should begin a romantic relationship. I'm serious. You're probably saying, "But I'm engaged (or maybe married) and you're not at all handsome. You're also neither rich or talented and you live nowhere near me." While this all may be true, I am willing to change. I will do whatever you instruct me to do - be that what to eat, how to drive, when to shit, etc. I will be your slave . . . both literally and sexually. You can mold me into whatever kind of man you see fit and I will offer nary a complaint. Plus, I'm very interested in weather, so we can talk about that too.

You don't have to make up your mind now. Just mull the idea over for a little while, OK? I'll be in touch via this terrible blog.

And one more thing . . . could you lay off the suits? They're not "you" and they're doing the rest of us no favors. God gave you this body for a reason, and you are hiding it. I doubt that makes Him happy. You probably don't want to anger God, as many folks believe he directly influences your job. I don't believe that. I believe you can outforecast God. No matter what He/She/It throws at you, you will see it coming and warn us pleebs and we shall give You praise. But not if you keep wearing suits. Seriously.

And remember, I believe in you.

Anyway, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon. And when I say talk, I mean a one-sided conversation with you through the television.

Stay Hot, Be Warm and Keep Your Cool,

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Climatologist Klaus Wolter Says . . .

Colorado's mountains could get normal or even above-normal snow this winter.

Wolter believes Colorado is headed toward a La Nina winter, which tilts the odds toward more snow. The downside is La Ninas—long-term wind patterns tied to cooler Pacific temperatures—usually also bring a dry fall and spring.

Wolter says he's "guardedly optimistic" that winter snowfall will make up for the lack of moisture so far and raise the snowpack to about normal by the end of the winter.

As of Wednesday, the statewide snowpack is 49 percent of the 30-year average for this time of year.

Wolter works at the National Atmospheric and Oceanic Administration in Boulder.

This is what Klaus looks like. I like his shirt - it reminds me of the Aztecs for some reason. But oh no . . . what's this? It seems as though Klaus has a detractor. But who? . . . that's fucking who:

Includes predictions for all or portions of Arizona (Flagstaff, Kayenta, Page, Tuba City, Winslow), California (Cedarville, Davis Creek, Eagleville, Fort Bidwell, Lake City), Colorado (Aurora, Colorado Springs, Denver, Fort Collins, Lakewood), Idaho (Boise, Idaho Falls, Meridian, Nampa, Pocatello), Montana (Bozeman, Butte, Helena, Kalispell, Missoula), Nevada (Carson City, Elko, Reno, Sparks, Sun Valley), New Mexico (Angel Fire, Chama, Dulce, Questa, Springer), Oregon (Hermiston, La Grande, Ontario, Pendleton, The Dalles), Utah (Ogden, Orem, Provo, Salt Lake City, West Valley City), Washington (Kennewick, Pasco, Richland, Spokane, Yakima), Wyoming (Casper, Evanston, Green River, Laramie, Rock Springs).Intermountain Long-range Weather Region

Winter will be much colder and drier than normal, on average, with snowfall above normal in the north and below normal in the south. The coldest temperatures will occur in late December; early, mid-, and late January; and early February. The snowiest periods will be in mid-November, early and mid-December, mid- and late January, and late February.

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Who will win the battle of long range forecasts? Stay tuned to FKS to find out. I'm putting my money on Klaus. The Germans are precise.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Bringing the Record Heat!

I hope you enjoyed the record heat today, Denver. Nick Carter over at 9News says we hit 77 out at the airport, which indeed sets a record for November 18. He also says it's damn near 80 downtown in the early afternoon. In other words, it's hotter than Dan Caplis and Amy Sporer fornicating (definitely missionary) in a down sleeping bag . . . at least for this time of year. Appreciate it, fine citizens, because, as you can plainly see, the rollercoaster only goes down from here . . . and terrifying weather is afoot.

* HT to for one of the most tremendous photos I've ever seen.

Friday, November 14, 2008

First Measurable

It pains me to say it, but kudos to you, 9News Weather Team(TM) for your gutsy and bold prediction that the early hours of Friday, November 14, 2008 would be the time Denver sees its first measurable snowfall of aught eight. You went out on a limb. The chance of snow was only 30 percent, but you said there would at least be a tenth of an inch of cold, sweet Colorado powder on the ground and you were right. Savor the moment. Drink a little champagne. Your competitors don't have the balls that you do. Sure, that geek Dunn over at Fox was watching a band of snow showers but said there would be no accumulation. Same goes for Hidalgo (who, according to her bio, once ran a marathon in Sweden, which seems moderately random with a chance of "why Sweden?"), who was very cautious yesterday in predicting any snow. But not you, 9News. Your hope and borderline desperation for that first snowfall was creepy, but can now be set aside. Until we go three more weeks without any snow . . . then your manic behavior will once again rear its ugly head. I can't wait.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Not Even a Trace

I've been out of the loop for the past few days as my thirst for adventure and different weather took me to central Illinois, somewhere along the mighty Illinois River. It was there that I attempted to age 3 years in 48 hours by abusing fried foods, alcohol and tobacco. A little duck hunting was also in order and I am proud to say that it was a success . . . and that frying duck breast in bacon grease before consuming it is incredibly wise and highly rewarding.

Coniglio announced last night that Nov. 21 is the latest Denver has ever gone without receiving measurable snowfall and that if we did not get it tonight (Monday, Nov. 10), we would break that record because there is no snow forecast for the rest of the week. Make of that what you will.

All of the afternoon forecasters (at the four major stations) are keeping expectations down, which I applaud. Lisa Hidalgo over at 7News says we might get a trace of snow and is joined in that assessment by the rest of them. By the way, is she pregnant? How come they (meteorologists) never announce whether or not they're pregnant on the air? They should warn you, Joe the Viewer, that there are going to be some natural changes happening over the coming months. It's not fair to make us guess. You'd think they'd want us to know. I'd be dropping hints left and right during that grey period (first trimester, early second trimester) where you can't quite tell that a woman is pregnant yet know that they are getting bigger but are terrified to say anything. One of the cruelest life lessons any man or woman can learn is throwing out a "congratulations" to someone who looks pregnant but is not. The hurt in that woman's eyes when she replies "congratulations on what?" while quickly realizing what you are inferring is something you can never unsee. It happened to me once and it will never happen again. Well, I guess it will never happen again in person. Online it might because I just made the assumption about Ms. Hidalgo here and, who knows, maybe she does not have a bun in the oven. But she'll never read this. Even if she does, I won't have to see her face. Unless she sends me an angry picture . . . which would be pretty awesome of her.

UPDATE - As of 12:28AM, nary a trace of snow has fallen. Coniglio is surely distraught and drinking heavily. Bourbon probably.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Cold Fronts for the People!

<--- You see that? Yeah. You like that, don't you? Gets you all hot, doesn't it? I'm talking to you, snowboarders and skiers and sledders and people who enjoy snowball fights. Time to wax up your gear (sexual euphemism not exactly intended, but enjoyed nonetheless) and jam I-70 because the flakes are flying. I am unsure of what was forecast for the mountains last night (or even Denver) as I was too consumed by the election the past several days to care about crappy weather forecasts by lily white meteorologists. I did hear this morning that 6-12 inches may fall in the high country, with 18 big ones up near Rabbit Ears Pass (named after either Steve Javy or Rabbit Ears peak). By the looks of the photo here, I'd say they've received three (3) inches at the tunnel thus far (3:30PM - Nov. 5th). I am very good at eyeballing snow totals by remote camera. It is a trait passed on to me by my grandpa on my mom's side, even though I never knew him. And you'll have to help me out, because snow may or may not have been forecast for Denver last (Nov. 4th) evening. I don't think it happened. I can report that rain fell at a nice pace for about seven (7) minutes starting around 1:36AM. I know this because I was drunk on whiskey and Budweiser and the sudden splatter of raindrops on my windows confused me and forced me outside to investigate. I gave a thumbs up skyward and went to bed.

I began college studying to be a veterinarian. I started work on my first degree in Animal Science at Cal Poly later switching to a major in journalism. My work on my second degree in meteorology began years later at Metropolitan State College in Denver and also at Mississippi State University.

Now, I can't quite decipher if she got one or two meteorology degrees (or if that's even possible/useful). Either she got one from Metro and one from Mississippi State, or she somehow combined studies at those two universities to get one super meteorology degree that she puts to use five days a week. Either way, I would venture to bet that she is one of the few people in the world to study weather at those two schools. Also, good to hear about her veterinarian background. I encourage any of you with sick pets to email her for advice.