No surprise here, it's Billy Axelrod and Ronnie Cheetahtoes. Both men will receive the highly coveted UFO Umbrella Caps in honor of their bravery, courage and creativity under extreme meteorological duress:
But their heroism pales in comparison to the manimal Ronnie Cheetahtoes used in his official snow measurement photo:
I do not know this individual, whom I will call the Abominable Snow Ostrich until I get a real alias, but I salute him for risking hypothermia, pneumonia and severe head rush for the FKS cause. The bourbon's on me next time I'm up north, pal. Not the cheap shit either, only the best for the man who created the single greatest snow measurement photo of all time. Brav-fuckin-o, sir. Brav-fucking-o.
God that's awesome. You're not going to see this kind of effort and intensity out of any of the National Weather Service's weather spotters, I'll tell you that much. Those pansies march around in expensive snow suits with their fancy metal poles and then, when they're done measuring, they run back inside to drink hot chocolate and pee sitting down. Not FKS weatherspotters. They are made of molten steel and dull razor blades.
Anyway, Mr. Cheetahtoes official measurement somewhere on 1st Ave. in Greeley was 8.5 inches of snow.
Mr. Cheetahtoes's colleague and fellow LPGA fan Billy Axelrod also got busy with the measuring and sent in the following report:
"Based upon my previous experience in meteorological data collection I have provided to FKS the following photos: A picture of a corporate cafeteria plastic lunch fork generally used to stir up the wretched 3-day old pasta that consumes the office microwave and then spreads throughout the office slowly. It is then that this dolt of a human being sits down directly across from my personal space and eats this filth where it then leaks out of his pores and will forever stick to the fabric that lines my cubicle. Having said that I used the fork to show the shear power of this storm and what accumulation in CO should look like.
"The other photo is a measurement using a standard made in America Westcott ruler. Westcott has been making these little bad boys since 1872. Sham-on. My official FKS measurement at 3801 Automation Way in Ft. Collins, CO is 8 1/16 inches."
I don't think any more needs to be said. Top notch data collection, sir. You are a true professional and don't let anyone tell you different. If they do, give them a roundhouse kick.
I also took a few photos of the storm, but they are not nearly as amusing as the above. However, since I went to great lengths to secure batteries for my camera, I'm going to humor myself and put them up:
This one is important because it was taken with my cell phone. Shortly after this was shot, my phone suffered what appears to be a fatal error after getting too much moisture from these streaking snowflakes. The only way I can get it to work at this point is by jamming tin foil into where the charger plugs in. Doing this makes it look like my phone's taking a shit.
After a long, tough day of weather observation, nothing smooths you out quite like a freshly poured Guinness. Unfortunately, I was not able to get any official measurements in the city as the constant and substantial wind prevented finding a spot that wasn't tainted by drifting. If I had to guess, I would estimate 9 7/16th inches fell in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. But if "official" numbers excite you, head on over to the NWS site . . . they got some fresh, hot data to pour over.
Thanks again to Mr. Cheetahtoes, Mr. Axelrod and Mr. Abominable Snow Ostrich for participation in documenting The Tides of Smarch. Mission Accomplished!