Thursday, October 29, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Somebody Light a Match

It's been snowing for 52 consecutive hours at this point in time. Fifty two hours. I'm pretty sure that both papal conclaves and wars have transpired in less time. Fifty two hours is how long it took Maurice Garin to win the Paris-Brest-Paris bike race back in 1901. Two years later he won the first Tour de France. In 1904, he won again but was stripped of the title after being accused of cheating. Some things never change. But holy shit was cycling awesome back then. Listen to this:

A bunch of fanatics wielded sticks and shouted insults, setting on the other riders: Maurice and César Garin got a succession of blows, the older brother [Maurice] was hit in the face with a stone. Soon there was general mayhem: "Up with Faure! Down with Garin! Kill them!" they were shouting. Finally cars arrived and the riders could get going thanks to pistol shots. The aggressors disappeared into the night.

Misbehaviour was rife too between riders and nine were thrown out during the race for, among other things, riding in or being pulled by cars . . . Stories spread of riders spreading tacks on the road to delay rivals with punctures, of riders being poisoned by each other or by rival fans. Lucien Petit-Breton said he complained to an official that he had seen a rival hanging on to a motorcycle, only to have the cheating rider pull out a revolver.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't miss a tenth of a second of the Tour de France if this kind of thing was still going on. That's the kind of cheating I can get behind . . . good old fashioned tacks to the tires and beatings from the crowd. That's much more respectable than abusing testosterone or blood doping. They don't gain advantages like they used to (*lazily wags finger . . . pokes you in the chest*).

You know who still delivers like he always has? Ronnie F'in Cheetahtoes, that's who. Take a look at this, sir:

I think we can all agree that a totem pole of Modelo cans in a cross section of snow really tells the story of this storm in a very compelling way. This should be the official unit of measurement going forward for all meteorologists. Forget arbitrary measurement terms like "inches" and "feet," tell us how much snow we're going to get in Modelo cans. That's the kind of thing that will always resonate with us common folk, regardless of our origin. You are a visionary, Mr. Cheetahtoes.

And hey, if booze isn't your thing and you would prefer a measurement alternative, Mr. Cheetahtoes has you covered:

As always, Ronnie, well played. Needless to say, this effort has shot you right to the top of the FKS MVWS (Most Valuable Weather Spotter) watch list for the 2009-2010 season. Your move to Johnstown has done nothing to alter your dedication to the cause and we here at FKS can not thank you enough.

And the ceramic French debutantes really tied this post together, did they not?

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:

This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.


Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Something's Happening

Time Stamp: 11:37Pm - 10/27/09

As you can almost see, the mountains remain blue even after this delicious bottle of Coors Light(TM), which was brewed with water from a crisp mountain spring, sat outside for approximately 2.5 hours. This obviously means that the air temperature is cold enough and the moisture content high enough to deliver some icy dandriff to the Mile High City. It also means someone didn't finish their beer. Normally I would frown upon that, but I think this will prove to be a good measuring stick for this snow storm.

But that's neither here nor there. The trivia team finished second and earned 20 SoBro bucks which, as of right now, is trading at 1.21 against the dollar. You can buy a lot of guláš for 20 Sobro bucks, so it was a good evening. There were no weather-related questions.

That doesn't mean the weather didn't play a factor, however. There was much rumbling in this hockey bar when the heavy precipitation knocked out the satellite feed of the Avs 3-0 victory over the Edmonton Oilers. It made me think that any sports bar worth its salt better have at least one cable feed.

Anyway, it's snowing. And the intensity only seems to be . . . intensifying. It's a good thing we have a battery of meteorologists ready to tell us how much of this snow we will see. Let's run down the prediction list, shall we?

9News -
In all, the Denver area, especially the west and south sides of town, could see 8 to 14 inches of snow. Foothills locations, including Estes Park out to the Continental Divide, could see 10 to 18 inches of snow by Thursday afternoon.

News 4 - In Colorado, 8 to 14 inches is forecast for the Front Range and 5 to 10 inches in the Denver area. Up to 2 feet is possible in the northern Colorado Front Range foothills and the Laramie Range in southeast Wyoming. (Ed. Note - the entire text of this story/prediction is very Wyoming-centric. Ask yourself: Why is Ed Greene focusing so intently on Wyoming? Once you get the answer, let me know.)

Channel 7
- Mike Nelson gives the grim news . . . Your Wednesday morning commute should be slow, but manageable, but Wednesday night's commute and Thursday morning's commute could get ugly.It looks like accumulations could be in the 6 to 12 inch range for the metro area, with 12-24 inches possible in the foothills and higher elevations along the Front Range. (Ed. Note - Mike Nelson loves a wide birth - he gives himself so much room for error that this shouldn't even count as a prediction.)

Fox 31 - The Front Range and northern I-25 corridor is expected to receive 6 -12" of snow by Thursday afternoon. Denver's south and west suburbs, including Highlands Ranch, Parker and Castle Rock, along with the western foothills, can expect 10 - 20".

Time stamp: 12:48AM - 10/28/09 - Wednesday: Snow and areas of blowing snow. The snow could be heavy at times. High near 30. North northwest wind between 11 and 15 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible. Wednesday Night: Snow and areas of blowing snow. Low around 23. North northwest wind between 8 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible.
- Cloudy with snow. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Snow accumulating 4 to 6 inches.

Unlike a septum, no one's really deviating. Check back tomorrow to see how close these sissies are. The Coors Light bottle will not lie. Good night and good snow.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? He's Currently Sitting on the Can.

Alright, alright, alright . . . things are looking good. The excitement and thirst for dark beer is palpable. A steady rain has already begun to fall, the wind is howling, and the dew point is moist. It's all pointing toward a glorious event. At least I hope. Mainly because I'd like the day off of work. Anyway, I have a game of bar trivia to attend, so I'll update all forecasts later tonight. Possible trivia team names include: The Donkey Show, Sabine's Savants or Pumpkins and Blumpkins. And if you want to buy old Flip a beer, you can do so by venturing over to SoBro 151. There will also be hockey.

Old Man Winter Takes an Early Dump?

Uh oh . . . time to signal a white alert to all FKS weather spotters (*holds bottle of bourbon high in the air*). Get your supplies together before midnight, because we got ourselves a good ole' fashioned early WINTER STORM WARNING on our hands. More to come later.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Gaguilera Calls His Shot

Snow, you bastards. SNOW! Pucker your butts, dig out your finest North Face(TM) gear and prepare to head to your local Pho establishment. Gaguilera is predicting the worst . . . and he's doing it by writing the way he talks. I don't have the skill or the mental capacity (I drank an excessive amount of infused vodka tonight at Красная площадь . . . which means Red Square for all of you non Russians), but I'm going to try and break down Gaguilera's forecast in an FJM manner. It's my first time, so be gentle:

A cold front will swing through the state Saturday night into Sunday and it looks like it will be a snow-maker for the Front Range.

Fair enough . . . I'm always down for some moisture. I wish it wasn't occurring on the day I planned on moving, but shit, that's the way ball bounces sometimes, eh?

At this point here is the weather scenario.

That was a sentence . . . no foolin' (or colon). It sounds better if you read it in a robot voice.

Rain mixed with snow develops overnight Saturday into Sunday.

Boom. There it is. And he's right. As of 1:54AM Sunday, it is raining. But will it switch to snow like you switched from beer to liquor tonight?

By Sunday morning some higher areas like Castle Rock over to Elizabeth down to Monument Hill, may have 1 to 2 inches on the ground.

The comma after "Hill" strikes me as odd. No pause is necessary . . . even if you're talking out loud, right?

There will be little to no accumulation in the Denver metro area.

Good to hear . . . although I imagine it's going to be muddy/leafy. That's always a pain in the ass when you're moving. I hope all of you who plan on sitting on your couches all day eating wings, drinking beer and enjoying professional football do not take for granted how good you have it.

During the day on Sunday colder air and more moisture will push over the Front Range giving the area a better chance for accumulating snow.

Duly noted.

Between 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. here is what I am expecting around the area.

Again, this is a sentence that a person who works in the media wrote . . . verbatim. Now, I'm not saying that the weather folk are journalists, because that's unfair. They're pseudo-scientists at their very best and terrible psychics at their worst. But you'd think Gaguilera would have an editor to review his work before it hits the web and add the punctuation necessary for a proper forecast. Anyway, on to what he expects in this five hour window tonight:

In metro Denver and Boulder up to around 6,000 feet there may be 2 to 5 inches of snow.

From 5,280 feet to 6,000 feet there might be between two and five inches of snow between six and eleven in the evening. Mark it, dude.

Above 6,000 feet into the foothills, along the Palmer Divide and into Jefferson and Park Counties there could be 3 to 7 inches of snow by 11 pm Sunday night.

Way to, finish strong Dave.

I'm too tired/lazy/drunk to look up any other forecasts, so I'll trust you to do that on your own.


UPDATE: There was no snow. Gaguilera immediately goes to the bottom of the forthcoming "Denver Meteorologist Power Rankings Presented by Blizzak(TM)"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

A Chip Off the Old Rocktober

Hello everyone. How in the hell are you? Well I hope. I mean that. I know I've been gone awhile and, shucks, I think you can plainly see what I've been up to: making time with my best gal Kath and showing her my acclaimed baby arm.

Mmmm . . . what a beautiful summer day that was. We had ourselves a little picnic on the banks of a stream that feeds the mighty Cache La Poudre River or, more simply, the Poudre la Cache. What do you think Kath likes at a picnic? Go on, guess? Cheese and crackers and a cheap bottle of champagne you say? I wish. No sir, Kath is a refined woman who prefers foie gras with grilled asparagus accompanied by a 1986 Chteau Mouton Rothschild Pauillic and some Vivaldi. Class, ladies & gents. Pure class. And expensive.

Anyway, a photographer happened by during our playful time in the meadow and demanded a photograph of such a beautiful, powerful couple. Obviously we obliged. And I think you will agree that it is a striking image. But will this magical summer of exploration and butterfly kisses translate into a warm autumn/winter/early spring relationship between myself and the auburn-haired purveyor of red umbrellas? Only time will tell, gentle reader.

I should mention that she and her posse are predicting a little of the white stuff around here starting a few hours from now and maybe reappearing on Sunday. The way they make it sound, it won't be anything serious. Go ahead and keep doing what you planned on doing. This "storm" seems to be the equivalent of the 9News Weather Team's(TM) preseason intrasquad scrimmage. I hope nobody pulls a hammy.

Bottom line, it's going to be a tad chilly around these parts for the next few days. If you should run into me at either of the games this weekend, buy me a hot chocolate, won't you? And put some peppermint schnapps in there, OK? Four big globs.