Tuesday, December 1, 2009

A Cold Blast For Dat Ass

Here's 124-pound Ashton Altieri doing his best to hold up the "E" in Denver

What's up, chuckleheads? Have you been enjoying this run of sensuous sunshine and air temperatures that are consistently warmer than an Orangutan's armpit? I hope you made the most of it, because Old Man Winter's making a run down from Canada in a rusty 1974 Chevy C10 and should be arriving any minute. He'll be wearing head-to-toe denim and he's got a payload full of ball-shrinking and nipple-erecting cold air. He's also drunk and smells like your underwear after a three day camping trip. Get him inside quick . . . before the neighbors see.

Altieri said last night to expect three inches (of snow) here in Denver. Coniglio has tweaked that slightly today saying 1-3 tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow.

Stacey Donaldson, whom I'm falling deeply in love with, is a little more pessimistic, claiming that we're only going to see a couple of inches, tops. It's like she made that forecast by looking down my pants.

Dave Fraser, like Tiger Woods, is not getting into specifics and is saying 2-4 inches across "The Foothills, Front Range and Eastern Plains." That sounds like a country song. Cheetahtoes . . . get on it.

Weather.com says 1-3 inches tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow . . . which is exactly what Coniglio said. Plagiarism is all the rage these days I guess. But who ripped off whom?

Tony Laubach over at Channel 7, whose title says he's a weather producer/storm chaser, pens a pretty decent forecast. For the most part, it's detailed yet concise. However, he uses exclamation points at the same rate as a 16-year-old girl, which is kind of weird. He also has a pretty bad ass weather blog. But before we get too smitten with this fellow, I should note that not only is he a Redskins fan, but he's quite obviously a Broncos hater. To wit, here's what he said after attending the Broncos/Redskins game a few weeks ago: "But the best part of the win was to return home to Denver and enjoy the happiness in everyone’s misery AND to watch a bunch of over-confident Broncos fans eat a ton of crow."

Well, I'm all for supporting your team and talking a little shit, but this is too much. This asshole presumably lives and works in our fine town and is just way too enthusiastic about the misery of its citizens caused by a team owned by a fascist dickweed. His vitriol will not stand, man. I encourage all seven of my readers to hereby boycott Channel 7 (aka thedenverchannel.com) and tell everyone you know to do the same. And if you see this guy out on the streets, go ahead and fart on him. Here's what he looks like (warning: it's not pretty):

Get out of Broncos Country, sir - your kind is not wanted here.

No comments: