Sunday, October 25, 2009

Gaguilera Calls His Shot

Snow, you bastards. SNOW! Pucker your butts, dig out your finest North Face(TM) gear and prepare to head to your local Pho establishment. Gaguilera is predicting the worst . . . and he's doing it by writing the way he talks. I don't have the skill or the mental capacity (I drank an excessive amount of infused vodka tonight at Красная площадь . . . which means Red Square for all of you non Russians), but I'm going to try and break down Gaguilera's forecast in an FJM manner. It's my first time, so be gentle:

A cold front will swing through the state Saturday night into Sunday and it looks like it will be a snow-maker for the Front Range.

Fair enough . . . I'm always down for some moisture. I wish it wasn't occurring on the day I planned on moving, but shit, that's the way ball bounces sometimes, eh?

At this point here is the weather scenario.

That was a sentence . . . no foolin' (or colon). It sounds better if you read it in a robot voice.

Rain mixed with snow develops overnight Saturday into Sunday.

Boom. There it is. And he's right. As of 1:54AM Sunday, it is raining. But will it switch to snow like you switched from beer to liquor tonight?

By Sunday morning some higher areas like Castle Rock over to Elizabeth down to Monument Hill, may have 1 to 2 inches on the ground.

The comma after "Hill" strikes me as odd. No pause is necessary . . . even if you're talking out loud, right?

There will be little to no accumulation in the Denver metro area.

Good to hear . . . although I imagine it's going to be muddy/leafy. That's always a pain in the ass when you're moving. I hope all of you who plan on sitting on your couches all day eating wings, drinking beer and enjoying professional football do not take for granted how good you have it.

During the day on Sunday colder air and more moisture will push over the Front Range giving the area a better chance for accumulating snow.

Duly noted.

Between 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. here is what I am expecting around the area.

Again, this is a sentence that a person who works in the media wrote . . . verbatim. Now, I'm not saying that the weather folk are journalists, because that's unfair. They're pseudo-scientists at their very best and terrible psychics at their worst. But you'd think Gaguilera would have an editor to review his work before it hits the web and add the punctuation necessary for a proper forecast. Anyway, on to what he expects in this five hour window tonight:

In metro Denver and Boulder up to around 6,000 feet there may be 2 to 5 inches of snow.

From 5,280 feet to 6,000 feet there might be between two and five inches of snow between six and eleven in the evening. Mark it, dude.

Above 6,000 feet into the foothills, along the Palmer Divide and into Jefferson and Park Counties there could be 3 to 7 inches of snow by 11 pm Sunday night.

Way to, finish strong Dave.

I'm too tired/lazy/drunk to look up any other forecasts, so I'll trust you to do that on your own.


UPDATE: There was no snow. Gaguilera immediately goes to the bottom of the forthcoming "Denver Meteorologist Power Rankings Presented by Blizzak(TM)"

1 comment:

JoeSickness said...

Flip!!!! Where the hell are you?! The Apocolypse is neigh! Green, Sabine, and even my son's $98 weather station are predicting a world ending 1 to 2 feet of snow by this time Thursday.
OK, not really Kathy, she was really unclear on exactly what to expect other than "snow". I tried to catch an update this morning on 9News and for some reason, new recruit Becky and someone controling the "Next up" scroll on the side of the screen, kept moving the weather forecast back until she had less than 2 minutes to review what every other channel is predicting to be a perfect storm. Even then she sounded like someone had a gun to her head the entire time- and they likely did threatening that she dare not allow this storm to overtake the city!
Flip...please, for the love of God, eat some bacon and eggs, drink some coffee and crap out the rest of the sinful fluids that remain in your stomach and get to blogging about the mating daces, otherwise know as weather forecasts that will be shamelessly beamed into our living rooms tonight!