Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Exclamation Station

"The overuse of exclamation points is the first sign of madness." -Albert Einstein

That's not a real quote, but it sounds like it could be, doesn't it? I know the liberal use of exclamation marks makes me cringe. People who use exclamation points all over their "formal writing" are guaranteed to be the same people who end every sentence on Facebook with "lol." These people are to be avoided at all costs. Unless they're really, really attractive with loose morals. Even then, take heed. I bring this up because of this:

Today's Forecast
Chief Meteorologist Kathy Sabine
Today's High: 82R° F
Tonight's Low: 43° F

Last updated: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 9:08:56 PM

Mostly sunny, windy and warm today with afternoon temperatures in the upper 70s and lower 80s downtown! A record was set for the date at DIA with 82 degrees this afternoon! Quite amazing considering last week 3 storms hit the area and this time of year the average high is 57 degrees! Enjoy! The Denver weather forecast for tonight calls for partly cloudy skies, decreasing wind and mild overnight lows in the lower 40s.

*Not implying that Sabine has loose morals!

Friday, March 26, 2010

Shit Rolls, Piss Trickles

The snow was difficult and thick Tuesday night . . . like your mom . . . or the air at a Bingo parlor. There were times when I could barely see 57 yards in front of me - even with my Swiss-Swedish snow goggles on. Oh I fuckin' got 'em . . . please don't doubt that. Extreme weather data collection demands only the finest equipment:

As I mentioned in the previous post, my forthright and earnest expedition for fresh weather data devolved into a fog of bourbon and belly laughs with friends new and old. It was the right thing to do. Sure, I could've stood outside all night measuring and observing snow, but I generally prefer being inside measuring pints and observing the fairer sex. Just like Jimmy Cantore taught me.

Still, I encountered some fine sights on my travels. Behold:

These (click to enlarge - which is what I also tell the ladies) were shot at the new weather center on top of FKS headquarters. I think you'll agree when you visit, it's got real promise. It also has a BBQ grill with limitless propane.

These came on my walk home. I cut a lot of fresh tracks, which never ceases to make me feel fine. When I got back to headquarters, I stuck my forearm into the most undrifted patch of snow I could find. It came up nearly to my elbow, which I estimate to be 8.9 inches long. That's a healthy snow in just seven hours time. I have no idea if this is what our treasured local meteorologists predicted as I am without television at the current time. Regardless, I was impressed and can only hope we get a similar storm later today. It seems iffy, but it also seems possible. Just like my chances at romance.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Axelrod Grease

Photo Credit: Mrs. Axelrod (presumably)
Billy Axelrod finds his happy place as Chicken Wing Storm #2 comes crashing into the foothills of Colorado. This is nature and snow measurement at its absolute pinnacle.

More photos and reaction on this second storm tomorrow. I'm absolutely bushed from a data collection expedition turned drinking session at SoBo 151. As of 1:34AM, the snow continues to fall, drift and basically do whatever the fuck it pleases. Are there dreams of a snow day dancing in Flip's head? Definitely. Am I counting on it? Nope. Otherwise I'd be really drunk.

Stay Wet,

Johnny Gnomez, FTW

Before I get to the action going on tonight/tomorrow (March 23/March 24 - separate post), let me first welcome back an old friend. He's the adventurous/debaucherous cousin of the Travelocity gnome . . . ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Gnomez (/saxophone wails). I put out a call to all official FKS weather spotters/measurement experts/outlaws on Thursday night in the form of this official telegram:
Only one heeded the call, and that was Gnomez. Good on ya, amigo. Here he/it is taking a snow bath, which is not the same as a money bath (sadly):

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Turn Out the Lights, The Party's Over

What can I say? It was good while it lasted. As of 1:11AM it's over. It certainly wasn't as potent as I expected, but at its height, it was impressive. Like a midget stripper. I'm calling 5.8 inches here in the city. I have no business being awake. So I'm going to bed. Good show, Mama Nature . . . but you can do better next time.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Smarch Madness

Finally. We've waited damn near all winter for Mother Nature to lay down upon us and it looks as though she's finally ready to make it happen . . . starting in the next couple of hours. Women. Always making you wait just a little bit longer.

But look how excited Gaguilera is. He hasn't been doing shit for the past three months and now it's go time. He's downright giddy to tussle with this storm. God bless him. I feel the same enthusiasm. Of course, I have the day off of work tomorrow and will be spending in sitting in a bar for 12 hours drinking, eating fried foods and watching nonstop basketball (and heavy snow). I was excited to begin with. This common Wing storm (winter/spring - also known as a Chicken Wing storm around these parts) is just icing on the cake.

You know what I bet Dave's been doing during all this down time? Working on his moves:

In the spirit of fair disclosure, that video was shot back in March of Aught Seven. It looks like he's shaking a watermelon while drunk. I don't know if Amelia is still in the picture (ladies). I also can not confirm if Dave is related to Christina, but one can only hope.

But I'm getting off track. We got ourselves a gold ole fashioned winter storm warnin'. That's what's important. I've already sent out White Hot Alerts in telegram form to all veteran FKS weather/genital measurement specialists in the area, so let's hope we get some good photographic evidence of this late winter event. I don't know what more I can say, really. It's going to be awesome. If you'll recall, a similar thing happened a week short of a year ago. That storm lead to a pretty epic night for Flip in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. It also lead to a very epic snow measurement photo sent in by Ronnie Cheetahtoes:

So enjoy it, kind citizens of Denver. Use it as an excuse to not go to work and come by old Flip a few cold ones down at the bar. At the very least, use it as an excuse to leave early. You had a rough week . . . probably because of St. Patrick.


I was talking with a friend to the blog and she was mentioning that one of her favorite things to do during big snow storms is to cook. It got me to thinking about the Crockpot and all the good shit you can cook in it. So I'll feature one of my Crockpot favorites today and will take reader submissions in the future.

Trailer Park Dip
1 to 1.75lbs. of lean, ground beef
1 to 2 lbs. of Velveeta(TM) processed "cheese"
1 to 2 cans of Rotel(TM) Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies (I prefer one Original and one Hot)

Cube up the Velveeta(TM) and toss it in the crock pot on low. Or high. It doesn't matter. While that takes the form of melted goodness, cook the beef over medium heat. Spice it up before you do. Whatever kind of good stuff you enjoy. I usually go with cayenne, cumin, onion powder a blast of paprika and some Santa Maria(TM). Drain the meat (ha!). Assuming the cheese has melted or is almost melted, splash some milk in there, give it a stir and then throw everything else (Rotel and beef) in. Give it one more stir. Grab yourself some tortilla chips and dig in. Or don't . . . it will be fine marinating in there. You've got all the time in the world. It's snowing really hard outside and you have nowhere to go.

Alright . . . good luck tomorrow. You'll need it . . . for your bracket and your commute. Here are some predictions:

Sabine 6"-12"

Weather.com 5"-7"

(= boner) 4"-12" (Seriously, Crystal? Terrible)

Corey Christiansen
(7News) 6"-12"

Gaguilera (News4) 6"-12"

Weather.gov 5"-12"