Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Sister Twistin'

Madness out there today . . . mainly east and north of the city. There were at least three tornadoes spotted, but I really couldn't tell you exactly where they were. I'm guessing one was south of Greeley, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. If any of our FKS Northern Colorado weather spotters got any good looks at the thing, please send that action my way. Too many people are firing off photo after photo to the gimps at 9News and it's making me look bad. I suppose I just ought to show you one of them:

You can see the rest here.

You'll be glad to know that, like 9news, I have a weather deck at FKS headquarters. Some of you are aware of this due to my brave coverage of the late March snowstorm earlier in the year. Whelp, I made it up there tonight and while the video captures very little in the way of compelling weather, I think it still might fire you up:

video

And if that doesn't amuse you in the slightest, perhaps Miami forecaster John Gualardi's Mother's Day forecast teaser will:

A tip of the cap to HOT HOT JAPAN HOT

Monday, May 17, 2010

Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the first Sabine of Liberty photoshop submission by reader "Denver Devil." This came into the comments section a day before Old Face Andre's work and somehow I missed it. I apologize to you, Devil. It should've been recognized in a more timely fashion. Behold:

What it lacks in complexity, it makes up for in simplicity. Once again Kath is portrayed as a beacon of freedom and hope (in a baseball stadium no less). The irony is not lost on me, sir. Actually, maybe it's not ironic at all. She is, in a twisted way, the American dream: free to "predict" whatever she wants on public airways without repercussion while also being tall and mildly attractive. And she's paid handsomely to do/be these things. That's every immigrant's dream, no? I know it's my dream. I am reasonably tall, so I've got that going for me.

Anyway, much thanks to the Denver Devil, whoever you may be. Be sure to check out his/her flickr . . . even if the photo above is the only one he/she has uploaded thus far. Good things are coming I reckon.

Also, make sure your Spidey sense is up to snuff because it looks like there may be some odd weather heading our way over the next couple of days. Keep your eyes on the sky. And cook me a pie. Apple, por favor.

Yours Always,
Flip

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Sabine of Liberty

Ask, and you shall receive. Take a look at this, sir:

My god that is incredible. I am amazed and overjoyed. I'm not even sure what to say, so I'll let the artist, friend of the site and distant relation Old Face Andre, describe his masterpiece:

In this work, Kathy is communicating directly with the heavens through her invisible Spangler-candle. In this rare and mysterious ritual, the powerful heavenly currents surge through her body to Earth, giving her glimpses into future weather patterns situated in and around the Denver Metro area. I chose to depict her as the statue of Liberty, both to symbolize her permanence in Denver meteorological culture and to illustrate the inalienable right to wear bermuda shorts.

Bravo, Andre. I've never been so proud to call you cousin. A brew and burger is on me at My Brother's Bar sometime this weekend. You've earned it.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Red Coats are Coming!

video
Well, well, well . . . look who finally came strolling in all dressed up and ready to do some forecastin'. My apologies for the chuckle toward the end of the video, but I couldn't take that tube-of-cherry-red-lipstick ensemble seriously. All I could think about was Dee Reynolds' Desert Rose persona in that episode of "It's Always Sunny" when they wrestle for the troops. That outfit is dog dick red. She looks like the Kool-Aid man's wife. Amazing.

I bet Coniglio's back in the break room stewing as we speak. He does all the heavy lifting for this storm only to have the rug swept out from beneath him at the most critical moment. I can see him sitting there with his hands on his head, a small HD-TV hung in the corner showing Kathy's back yard antics. The volume is low. He looks up at it and stares quizzically for a moment. His Italian blood boils and he stands up solemnly. He straightens his suit. Then the rage then takes hold and he overturns the break room table with a quick underhand lift. Maybe the table catches him on the shin and it just pisses him off more. His face is as red as Kathy's outfit now. He kicks the water cooler with all his might and then storms out of the building. He heads to the Skylark for Heinekens backed by shots of Jameson . . . Jimmy McNulty-style. "This was my storm," he mumbles sadly to the bartender. "This was my storm." The bartender sighs and gives him a round on the house. And hopefully Marty gets lucky.

Anyway, nothing's really changed with the forecast that Marty put together (a lot of moisture, but only a couple of inches of snow here in Denver). I went to the roof of FKS headquarters at 10:32PM to smoke a cigarette and gather some data and can report, at that time, a heavy downpour comprised of half snow and half rain. There was also lightning and thunder. It was exhilarating.

Now it's time for a bourbon and a good, long sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Enjoy the show.

Love,
Flip

Mass Confusion Confuses the Masses

As I noted last night/early this morning, no one seems to have a clue what's going to happen:

Denver Post
- Forecasters Split on Severity of Midweek Snowstorm

5280 Magazine - Snow: Is it Really on the Way?

cbs4denver.com (Zeppelin) - Snow totals will be light around 1 to 3 inches mainly on the grassy areas. If the storm happens to sink just a little further south, Denver has the potential to see one of those heavy, wet, branch-breaking snow events we can see in the springtime. We are keeping a close eye on the developing track of this storm.

9News.com (Coniglio) - Denver could see rain, snow or a rain/snow mix with not too much accumulation. Fort Collins and Loveland may see heavy snowfall.

weather.gov - SNOWFALL AMOUNTS OF 6 TO 14 INCHES ARE EXPECTED ACROSS THE LOWER ELEVATIONS OF EASTERN LARIMER AND NORTHWESTERN WELD COUNTIES INCLUDING FORT COLLINS. THE HEAVY SNOW COULD BREAK TREE LIMBS AND CAUSE POWER OUTAGES. ACROSS THE REST OF THE PLAINS INCLUDING DENVER...BOULDER...GREELEY...AND POINTS EASTWARD ACROSS THE PLAINS...MOST OF THE PRECIPITATION WILL FALL IN THE FORM OF RAIN. HOWEVER...TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO TURN COLD ENOUGH FOR SOME SNOWFALL AND POSSIBLE ACCUMULATIONS OF 1 TO 4 INCHES ON GRASSY SURFACES (ed. note - your medical marijuana grow house?) AFTER MIDNIGHT THROUGH LATE WEDNESDAY MORNING.

The last one seems the most confident, so I'll be trusting it . . . which is the same rationalization your mom uses to date that filthy lawyer.

Monday, May 10, 2010

There is No Spring

Click to enlarge . . . Marty knows the size of your phallus

I think we can all agree, at this point, that there will be no spring. The calendar says we're right in the heart of it, but I disrespectfully disagree with the calendar and have angrily balled up the month of May and have thrown it against the wall. Then I uncrumbled it . . . because I have an unhealthy lust for Gemma Atkinson. What can I say . . . I'm a bit of an Anglophile.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Spring's half-assed effort in 2010 (in Colorado). Personally, I don't really give a shit that we haven't been blessed with endless days of brilliant sunshine, little wind and temperatures in the 70s. I like the cool weather because it makes me sleep like a bear. Guinness tastes better when it's cold (the weather . . . not the beer, you prick) as well. Ask Gemma up there. But I agree with everybody on the wind. As we've discussed before, wind is Satan's flatulence. Particularly this year with all that pollen and syphilis blowing in the air. It's so bad that, the other day, I found myself hunched over and sneezing wildly at a local Chipotle. Management and customers alike were horrified. I stood up with snot oozing down my face and all over my shirt. No one said a word. It was like church . . . especially with all the accusatory looks. I left and went to Illegal Pete's . . . which is what I should have done in the first place. My apologies to Pete.


On to the great May storm. It looks as though we're going to get some moisture here in Denver, but it seems to be anyone's guess on how much. Gaguilera (above, looking durrrr) thought that Low Pressure would 50/50 the Colorado/New Mexico border giving us the optimal upslope and the massive precip it always provides from this locale. Of course, said prediction is now looking iffy . . . at least according to the models. Coniglio and that bald dude from The Deuce think that the Low will head a little bit north and that will mean less moisture here and more for the north of the state. I urge the Axelrods and Ronnie Cheetahtoes to be on high alert in case these fellars are correct.

Oddly . . . Kathy is nowhere to be found during the time of our greatest need. I have no idea where she might be. Hopefully holding an imaginary candle somewhere sunny:

If any of you FKS readers are handy with Photoshop, please do something awesome with this photo.

Good luck out there the next couple of days,
Flip

PS - Speaking of The Deuce, I am hereby declaring my eternal love for Kellie MacMullan. There will be a separate post about this later . . . but I wanted the record to show that old Flip is deeply infatuated at this point.

Retroactive Guest Post - Mrs. Axelrod

Lisa Hildago says a small band of snow and a couple of inches possible near Ft. Collins. Thanks to my screaming child, I have been up since 5:30am and I can say without doubt that it has been snowing since then. With a snapshot of my backyard, you may notice more than a couple of inches have fallen. With fierce determination our friend Old Man Winter hangs on for one final hurrah. Similar to Crazy Eddie's Last Hurrah, the Old Man is double fisting temperatures which are wrecking the beautiful blossoms on trees and large fluffy flakes which are parking out on my lawn.

Mrs. Axelrod originally submitted this post on April 29, 2010. Due to technical difficulties, bouts of heavy drinking and questionable life choices, it took awhile to post it. My apologies to Mrs. Axelrod and my thanks for her continued dedication to and support of FKS.