Thursday, February 2, 2012

RT @MotherNature69: I'm going to bury the High, Mild City

(Time for your annual exam, Denver - now bend over)

You lucky sons of bitches. If ol' Flip were in Denver right now, he'd be somewhere on South Broadway drinking heavy, dancing fancy and extremely confident that he was getting to 4th base with that MILF Mother Nature (4th base = snow day). Alas, I'm stuck here in Seattle where it's warm, sunny, dry and full of hipsters. I've never been so homesick. I wish I were smokin' bowls and making snow ostriches with Ronny Cheetahtoes and Billy Axlerod. Those were the days.

I tuned into 9news' streaming broadcast tonight and they were rather engorged about the storm . . . understandably. But I take issue with them trying to hype this one up like it's going to be a record breaker. From what I can gather, you fortunate bastards are looking at a max of 20 inches. Impressive? You bet your sweet bippy. But a top five snowfall? Dream on.
And if you're bi-curious (like I was) about what 45 inches of snow looks like, well, it looks something like this:

And this:

Holy shit! And you're about to get half of that. Nothing to sneeze at certainly, but still, can you imagine the moaning and the developmentally disabled comments on the 9news/Denver Post/The Duece (hah!) website(s) if such a thing happened today? It would be the stuff of legend. People would be bitching about and at all sorts of things and entities via all manner of social media. Hell, it's already getting started:

(@LushLaura is probably more familiar with white stuff (in both powdered and liquid form) than you will ever be)

They would blast the city government for not keeping the side streets plowed; they would complain about their weekend being ruined; they would bemoan the meteorologists who didn't predict this soon enough (wait, that's what I do). You know what they did in 1913? In 1913 they did a bunch of blow (still legal), wandered the streets and dug shit out. I respect that. We should get back to that kind of mentality. But we never will (*weeps*).

Hopefully you were able to get yourself some whippits, booze and necessary Super Bowl foodstuffs before all this craziness began. If not, do what you have to do . . . but be careful, it's looking scary and lonely out there.

(The hood may or may not be made out of wolf puppy fur)

I miss you guys . . . a lot. Say a rosary for Flip. And send me some measurement photos. I'll pleasure myself to them. Promise.