Sunday, November 23, 2008

An Open Letter to Stephanie Abrams of the Weather Channel

Dear Stephanie,

Hey (winks), how are you? I trust well. You're looking good and you're forecasting like a savant, so I'm guessing things are going pretty decent. I'm so, so proud of the good work you've been doing on Abrams & Bettes(TM) . . . and the fact that your show has survived for so long when most Weather Channel series fail quickly is truly an indication of just how brightly your star is shining. Sure, Bettes is pretty cool, but c'mon. It's you the people are tuning in for, Steph (can I call you Steph?). There are many reasons why we the viewers love you . . . you're humble proclamation that you are just a weather nerd at heart; your inability to control the volume of your voice; the rumors that you were a renowned partier while attending the University of Florida; your unusually large mouth; your wonky eye and of course, your world class mams.

Sweet baby Christ you are a good looking gal, Steph. What hurricane was this? I'm pretty sure it was 2005 and I want to say said hurricane had an "I" name, but I just can't remember. Hell, I'm not sure I even knew then. Watching you work in that form-fitting grey t-shirt was mesmerizing to the point of complete debilitation. This is the day I fell in love. There you were taking stock of the destruction on the ground, and there I was, sitting bolt upright taking stock of my rising barometric pressure (winks twice). I had never felt so strongly about someone I had seen on TV, Steph, and this includes Kelly Bundy and any number of women from the Emanuelle series on Showtime.

I'm just going to come out and say it . . . we should begin a romantic relationship. I'm serious. You're probably saying, "But I'm engaged (or maybe married) and you're not at all handsome. You're also neither rich or talented and you live nowhere near me." While this all may be true, I am willing to change. I will do whatever you instruct me to do - be that what to eat, how to drive, when to shit, etc. I will be your slave . . . both literally and sexually. You can mold me into whatever kind of man you see fit and I will offer nary a complaint. Plus, I'm very interested in weather, so we can talk about that too.

You don't have to make up your mind now. Just mull the idea over for a little while, OK? I'll be in touch via this terrible blog.

And one more thing . . . could you lay off the suits? They're not "you" and they're doing the rest of us no favors. God gave you this body for a reason, and you are hiding it. I doubt that makes Him happy. You probably don't want to anger God, as many folks believe he directly influences your job. I don't believe that. I believe you can outforecast God. No matter what He/She/It throws at you, you will see it coming and warn us pleebs and we shall give You praise. But not if you keep wearing suits. Seriously.

And remember, I believe in you.

Anyway, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon. And when I say talk, I mean a one-sided conversation with you through the television.

Stay Hot, Be Warm and Keep Your Cool,

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