Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Crystal Balls Out

It's a dark day, my friends. If you haven't heard the news, brace yourselves (and this is going to hit Billy Axelrod particularly hard), FKS favorite Crystal Egger has gone corporate. According to our good friends at the Denver Post, Crystal has begun employment with the Weather Channel. This is what she had to say about leaving the Mile High City:
"It was an honor to live there for four years. But I won't need a snow shovel when I report on your first blizzard." She may have possibly continued, "I will miss Flip Washington most of all. His intense love for weather and for me made my time in Denver the most passionate period of my life. I owe everything I have to him."
It's flattering, no doubt, but also disturbing. I know it won't be long before my idol Jim Cantore woos her with his superior understanding of the pressure gradient and it absolutely sears my soul. But what the hell, it was a good ride while it lasted. I salute Crystal for her service here. Her forecasting, for the most part, was conservative. But her attitude and expert use of makeup were always positive. I'm going to miss her. Farewell, my sweet snow angel.

Speaking of Weather Channel talent, I encountered what appears to be a forecasting mirage during my travels this summer. Let me set the scene . . . I was driving recklessly from Seattle to Denver one brilliant day in July with the intention of stopping in Bozeman, Montana for drinks, regrettable romance and maybe a few winks. Due to a glut in Yellowstone tourists, every hotel from Bozeman eastward was full. At 2:00AM, I finally found a place in Billings . . . a Howard Johnson's with sticky carpets and an air conditioner that rattled the entire room.

It was also filled with bikers who preferred to stay not in their rooms, but in the parking lot outside. Said parking lot was adjacent to my room. This meant I had the honor of listening to them scream like animals and break bottles for two hours. It reminded of college . . . but with a sinister edge.

Circumstances as they were, I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep so I flipped on the Weather Channel. This is what appeared:

Needless to say, things got lusty in a hurry. What she was forecasting is all a blur. How she forecasted it will forever be burned into my psyche. Ninety one degrees never felt so good. But I never caught her name. And a review of the Weather Channel's personalities page provides no clues to this weather vixen's identity. So I turn to you, dear readers, and ask you to use your disturbing internet stalking skills and reveal the name behind the face. Inquiring weather minds want to know.

Lastly, please enjoy the scene I witnessed as I left the HoJo at 9:30AM:

1 comment:

Billy Axelrod said...

Oh this just flattens my nuts. First sweet Peggy hits the road and now our darling Egger? She used to scream, "Crystals balls, Crystals balls!" when we banged. Bjorkman was right, Fox is just a bunch of sweaty dick wads. I made that up. Oh god I'm gonna miss Crystal E. Fuck shit cock biter.