Friday, January 30, 2009

The Execution of Nick Carter is Nigh

Word from inside the 9News headquarters is that Nick "The Brick" Carter has finished off his "last meal," which consisted of the full fried chicken plate from the Welton St. Cafe and one large pepperoni and pineapple pizza from Two-Fisted Mario's. He is said to be in a calm, reflective state as his final broadcast nears. According to my source, "He's mainly just puttering around the weather center. He looked at (and tenderly touched) the double doppler radar screen a couple of times. He also tried to get in the station's helicopter but he couldn't fit. He gave Marty (Coniglio) a lingering hug and multiple fist pounds. He hasn't said a word to Ashton (Altieri) - he just stares menacingly at him. But he seems to be resigned to what's going to happen. We'll see what goes down I guess."

According to multiple sources, Nick will be allowed one shot of good whiskey right before he goes on to calm his nerves. But he will, in all likelihood, sneak a couple more. This may lead to an emotional and/or angry sign-off which hopefully includes him unleashing a torrent of profanity while heaving Sabine's red umbrellas off of the "weather deck" and onto Speer Boulevard. Please, if you happen to catch this during the evening broadcast (or when driving by the 9News sudio), be sure to take a photo.

Goodbye, Nick. May Mother Nature have mercy on your soul.

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