When the Thundersnowlightning Hits Your Sky Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Cantore

I need to start by apologizing for my abhorrent lack of coverage of Denver's deep freeze. It's shameful, I know, but I have a reason. It's called gargoyling (see third entry). Some of you may call it twin fire. Whatever the preferred term, shitting lava while projectile vomiting into the bathtub is sure to take the wind out of the sails of even the most hardy blogger, and old Flip is no exception. Sunday night saw my body expel every last drop of its contents and then some which left me in a confused and semi-catatonic state for the next 24 hours. The only activities I could muster energy for was drinking Gatorade(TM), laying on the couch, eating pho and swallowing a vicodin. Things were grim and stinky around FKS headquarters. Luckily, I put my energy into the right activities and am mended as of today . . . just in time to go back to work and enjoy temperatures that would make a Canadian blush.

Yes sir, Old Man Winter came shuffling back to town like a crusty drunk - smacking us all on the knuckles with his cane as he wandered by. He also called us "sons of whores" and "daughters of juggalos." Dude's a crotchety dick. But he did remind us that we live at the bosom of the mighty Rocky Mountains. Denver can indeed be a cruel and unusual place to live in terms of weather. On Friday the high temperature was inching near 70. On Tuesday it barely tickled zero. But so what? Those saps back east would give a lot of cash and appendages for wild swings in temperature. Having feet of snow on the ground for months on end, unless you're in the mountains, is akin to having a cheese grater rubbed slowly up and down your thighs. You feel the pain every inch of the way.

But that's neither here nor there. This post isn't about us. It's about longtime friend of the site, popular action figure and all around bad ass meteorologist Jim Cantore. The exuberance, passion, bewilderment and unadulterated joy displayed by Mr. Cantore on Michigan Avenue last night was simply a sight to behold. I left the weather channel on all evening as I went about my chores (read: napping, masturbation, sighing, sitting in the sauna, sipping spicy Spanish wine) and would rush back to the television anytime they cut live to Cantore. I imagine, by now, you've seen his reaction to the bolt of lightning, but there was more goodness where that came from:



Mother Nature is clearly Cantore's mistress. Look for a Windy City Jim action figure in stores near you . . . coming soon.

And I would be remiss if I didn't give Coniglio some props. He eschewed the coattails of the National Weather Service and correctly predicted the snow Sunday night/Monday morning would be between 1-4 inches (NWS predicted 3-6). Way to trust your gut, sir. You have fortitude and that's all we ask for in our meteorologists. It's why Jimmy Cantore's so god damned awesome. Keep up the good work, Marty.

A Naughty Little Storm

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh . . . that's how a pro does it. A weather quickie . . . in and out . . . not sitting there unloading on you. Sounds like Mrs. Abrams, whom I've expressed considerable amounts of love for, is feeling a bit frisky in this new year. Perhaps, like a lot of couples, the newness of her marriage has worn off and the sex is waning. She is clearly acting out in the hope of capturing my attention and, by god, it has worked. My offer of an unsatisfactory sexual relationship (for her) still stands (erect).

Lucky for us, we have the exact opposite of Stephanie Abrams working here in Denver. I don't know her name . . . and I can't even find it on their site, but she's definitely pretty frightening in that "can't control the volume of one's voice" kind of way. I watched her shrilly belt out the forecast Saturday evening and kept cringing and wincing. It was one of the most abrasive weather forecasts I've ever been a part of. I've posted a couple of photos of this magical creature below. If you're some kind of masochist and want to hear her voice, go here, because I'm not putting people through that.

Seems like the naughty theme should continue - plus, it took me well over an hour to photoshop Sabine into this.

What can I say really, she kind of frightens me. But she seems earnest enough so I won't bust her ovaries too much. Like most, she is forecasting just an absolutely savage 72-hour stretch:

Good God . . . I'm going to be drinking heavily on Tuesday. Like the last storm, I have a hard time believing we'll get anywhere near the high end of the predicted snowfall total. It just seems when arctic air like this is involved, things shrivel and the inches stay lower than expected. Just like when you lay with an icy woman.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for the worst. Any opportunity to show up at least 30 minutes late to work on Monday is one that I'm quite interested in. Pretty much everybody's predicting between 5 and 10 inches of snow for the Denver metro area, with the belief that the most intense period of precip will occur Sunday afternoon/evening. The forecast I trust most is NOAA, because they have the most geeks . . . not a bunch of pretty ladies like the one above. They're calling for between 6 to 10 inches of pow pow. They live in Gnarnia, brah.

Regardless of the snowfall amounts, it's going to be right chilly. Make sure you have all the essentials (pho, whiskey, football, hard wood . . . for your fireplace) and get ready to enjoy an immaculately lazy Sunday. Soak it in, fuckers.

SNOW-MG, LOL!

Look what I found on my Facebook this morning . . . the infamous St. Louis-ophile Ditchfield-Murray - sporting a fancy new name and dispensing ominous news. Very exciting stuff. Normally my Facebook is full of people posting cryptic messages (looking for attention) or quotes with no attributes (really gets my goat). And then there's updates on children (no one cares) and bragging about how great life is (most likely a lie). So it's refreshing to see a local "celebrity" (and I use this term in the loosest way possible) gracing my little sphere doing what she kind of does in very mediocre fashion once in awhile. The only other celebrity on my docket is Jason Mulgrew. His blog (Everything is Wrong With Me) has seen better days, but if you're snowed/frozen in for the next couple of days, I can't recommend enough a thorough poking of the archives. Drink beer while you do so.

Tebow balls . . . I'm rambling. Who gives a shit about the Facebook when we're finally set to add to our impressive one inch snow total for the season (and when I say season, I mean September, 2010 through May, 2011). Virtually everyone's on the same page with this one. Five to ten inches by tomorrow morning and scrotum-clenching cold. Personally, I think it's too cold and we won't get anywhere close to 10 inches of snow. I like Carter's forecast of 5 inches in the city. I'm saying four inches, tops. I'll let Gaguilera break it down one time:


Here's a look at what's going on in Lower Downtown Denver thus far. Be warned . . . it is not at all impressive.



Lastly, I wanted to put all FKS Weather Watchers(TM) on HOT WHITE alert. You know what that means. Speaking of FKS Weather Watchers(TM), I rather enjoyed this text I got from Billy Axelrod on Dec. 26 at 8:01PM MST: Egger's on the weather channel right fucking now. Creamed jeans.

Tebow bless you, Billy.

Negative 565 Degrees (Fahrenheit I Assume)

So . . . just how cold was it over the past couple of days? Well, according to 9News, as cold as the surface of Mars. Negative 565 degrees as of Wednesday morning (click the image for a better view):

Backstreet's Back

Where are your fucking gloves, Libby? But yes, the ring is very nice.

My weather blogging is coming under fire from critics far and wide . . . and rightly so. Somehow I failed to notice that local meteorological icon Nick "The Occluded Front" Carter ended up moving over to Fox. This happened in June! If you recall, Captain Carter was unceremoniously dropped, like hot puke off a rest stop toilet (*plagiarizing Jeff Johnson*), from 9News back in January for monetary reasons. I thought then, and still do now, that Altieri had something to do with it. But I can't prove that . . . yet. Regardless, Carter is a seasoned veteran and and a good pick-up for Fox . . . at least according to the comments left on a story announcing his switch:

Nice to hear that Nick Carter is back – pilots are great weather forecasters. Nick’s sense of humor has been missed since Channel 9 made the big mistake of letting him go!

Comment by Jen J October 14, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

So glad to see more of Nick Carter on Fox31 weather. He’s one of the best Denver has ever had. Channel 9 made a big mistake letting him go. I hope he stays in Denver the rest of his career.

Comment by Evergreen Grandma October 8, 2009 @ 12:57 pm

In Scottsbluff, NE we get two Denver channels on our cable. I watch #2 because of Nick Carter. He is the best weatherman and I like his calmness in bad weather situations.

Comment by E J October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am

Hey what happened between Nick Carter and the anchor on last nights broadcast, he didnt know that camera’s were back on and he told Nick Carter he didnt have a future??????

Comment by Ted S December 7, 2009 @ 9:05 am

I think it's clear that Nick is well regarded amongst the elderly, Nebraskans and pilots. And if you stop and think about it for a second, you'll realize that these are the folks most respected in the meteorological community. Why? Because pilots have to understand the weather so they don't kill themselves; Nebraskans who are up at 5:30AM probably farm and greatly depend on weather forecasts; and old people have been around long enough to know who's full of shit and who knows their weather. If I was Nick, I'd be pumped. I'll admit I have a soft spot in my otherwise cold, black heart for Nick. He seems earnest and steady, like the music of Ryan Bingham. And I think his fat man's hat is good shit.

But what about his forecast? Well, like everybody else, he said it's going to be as frosty as Tiger's marriage today. He also said to expect some heavier snow between 1 and 4 in the morning. I just had a look (1:30AM) and can confirm that is snowing, albeit lightly. It's also eight degrees, breezy and painful out there.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment and give a Mile High Salute to the Barrel Man (aka Tim McKernan), who sadly passed on to the great unknown Saturday. He was the president de facto of Broncos Country and will be sorely missed. He was awesome in so many ways . . . this being one of them:

And if you're going to the Broncos game on Sunday the 20th, see if you can't get yourself a barrel to wear in tribute.

Roll out the barrels . . . we'll have a barrel of fun,
Flip

Scary Cold

Kath feigns amazement in her snow attracting outfit

Wow . . . my video capture equipment is down so this is all I can share from tonight's forecast by the Matron Saint. It was bizarre to say the least. Not so much the actual forecast - she's pretty robotic when it comes to reading teleprompters and pointing at maps - it was the playful banter with the anchors that was creepy. The photo above was taken right after she said, "Hey, it's still fall." Then she held that odd grin for a few seconds while Adele Arakawa made mention of looking forward to the 20s. Then Kath started giggling and saying something about how weird it was that Adele would say that before blurting out, "Fall in Colorado!"

I'm not doing a good job of describing the interaction, but believe me, it was strange. It reminded me of a party I attended a few weeks ago. This gal was virtually passed out in the host's bed due to, apparently, too many shots. All of the sudden, she sprung to life and ran into the living room where she performed an incredibly detailed (and sexy) dance routine involving a chair and the late Michael Jackson's music. To the complete shock of everyone in the room, she absolutely nailed it. When the song ended, she bowed and then staggered back into the bedroom and passed out (and yes, I left her alone . . . get your minds out of the gutter). That's essentially what this forecast was like.

Anyway, Sabine said there's going to be a dusting to an inch of snow in the early morning hours which should make for another awesome commute. I can't wait. Also, the temperature should top out in the mid teens. Be thankful you're not homeless.