RT @MotherNature69: I'm going to bury the High, Mild City

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3:45

Just so you know, last night on the 10:00PM forecast Sabine said the snow that's been falling since around 11:00AM would actually start at 3:45PM (I have no idea why she picked this particular time - seems like an odd choice). She said it'd be a "quick hitter." She claimed it would be in and then out in no time leaving less than an inch. Maybe she was talking about you in the bedroom.

A Naughty Little Storm

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh . . . that's how a pro does it. A weather quickie . . . in and out . . . not sitting there unloading on you. Sounds like Mrs. Abrams, whom I've expressed considerable amounts of love for, is feeling a bit frisky in this new year. Perhaps, like a lot of couples, the newness of her marriage has worn off and the sex is waning. She is clearly acting out in the hope of capturing my attention and, by god, it has worked. My offer of an unsatisfactory sexual relationship (for her) still stands (erect).

Lucky for us, we have the exact opposite of Stephanie Abrams working here in Denver. I don't know her name . . . and I can't even find it on their site, but she's definitely pretty frightening in that "can't control the volume of one's voice" kind of way. I watched her shrilly belt out the forecast Saturday evening and kept cringing and wincing. It was one of the most abrasive weather forecasts I've ever been a part of. I've posted a couple of photos of this magical creature below. If you're some kind of masochist and want to hear her voice, go here, because I'm not putting people through that.

Seems like the naughty theme should continue - plus, it took me well over an hour to photoshop Sabine into this.

What can I say really, she kind of frightens me. But she seems earnest enough so I won't bust her ovaries too much. Like most, she is forecasting just an absolutely savage 72-hour stretch:

Good God . . . I'm going to be drinking heavily on Tuesday. Like the last storm, I have a hard time believing we'll get anywhere near the high end of the predicted snowfall total. It just seems when arctic air like this is involved, things shrivel and the inches stay lower than expected. Just like when you lay with an icy woman.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for the worst. Any opportunity to show up at least 30 minutes late to work on Monday is one that I'm quite interested in. Pretty much everybody's predicting between 5 and 10 inches of snow for the Denver metro area, with the belief that the most intense period of precip will occur Sunday afternoon/evening. The forecast I trust most is NOAA, because they have the most geeks . . . not a bunch of pretty ladies like the one above. They're calling for between 6 to 10 inches of pow pow. They live in Gnarnia, brah.

Regardless of the snowfall amounts, it's going to be right chilly. Make sure you have all the essentials (pho, whiskey, football, hard wood . . . for your fireplace) and get ready to enjoy an immaculately lazy Sunday. Soak it in, fuckers.

Bake and Flake

Well, I don't know what I expected, but here's the bullshit in video form . . . the first one is from the 9PM newscast on Wednesday (11/10/10) and the second from the 10PM newscast on Thursday (11-11-10):





So . . . yeah . . . here we go again. Sometimes I feel that even if Sabine was traveling back in time from a couple days in the future she'd still fuck up the forecast. It really is remarkable. And, if everything shapes up like it's supposed to (read: La Nina, putos), we should be in for a long, glorious winter of wild and desperate forecasting. For those of you new to the area, La Nina generally keeps us dry here on the Front Range (El Nino always brings the lube). You'd think that would keep the folks whose "job" it is to forecast the weather from getting aroused, but you'd be dead wrong. The longer we go without significant snow, the more desperate they become. You see, "predicting" snow storms feeds the egos of our beloved meteorologists more than anything else. They're like your friend who revels in discovering new bands in that they derive smug satisfaction from giving you their opinion, regardless of your interest or belief. Mark my words, we're going to see some spectacularly errant forecasts this winter . . . and I'm OK with that . . . because I revel in watching them fail. Because I'm a dick.

Speaking of dicks, behold the finest weather dong ever put on television:

You've probably seen it other places, but I would be remiss if I didn't include it here.

Hot, Hot Anger Abounds

Jesus . . . look at the utter contempt on her face. She looks genuinely pissed about this Native American summer we're experiencing. She looks like Elin Woods probably did the night she discovered the extent of Tiger's impressive whoring. I think standing in the 9News Back Yard(TM?) in a black blazer during the record heat simply pushed her over the edge. It's really awesome to see. She's taking a stand against mother nature for all us sinners. This aggressive heat will not stand . . . man!


ZOMG! 92 Degrees? How will we ever make it through the day? It was 113 Degrees Fahrenheit in Los Angeles on Monday. Think about that. That's Middle East hot. That's ball-soakingly hot. That's Egger in the sauna hot. Wait . . . where am I going with this? I must be feeling the heat stroke. Wait . . . no . . . that sounds terrible. Here, look at this:



He apparently knew the Barrel Man well and goes by the moniker "Limo Driver." This was during the record heat and after the Broncos unfortunate 27-13 loss to the Colts. I appreciate this gentleman. And he's wearing a denim-like jacket/long sleeve shirt in the boiling afternoon sun. Is he sad? Fuck no. He's happy and hustlin' . . . like we all should be . . . regardless of the temperature.

Speaking of anger, I would be remiss if I didn't tip my cap to the anti-meteorologist rant unleashed by Drew Magary, one of my all time, top five favorite internet personalities. To wit:

Weathermen(women) are the reason your children will become complete pussies when they grow up. No joke. They cancel schools these days if there's a goddamn inch of snow on the ground, and weathermen(women) overhyping storms is part of the reason why. If a weatherman(woman) was shot tomorrow, I would not be sad. I would send the killer a hot post-op tranny to have sex with.

If you're not familiar with Mr. Magary, I hope you become so in the near future.

And a very special thanks to reader and friend of the site Frosty "Jay" Rehmersma for the photos associated with this "story." You're a good man . . . and thorough.

Sabine of Liberty

Ask, and you shall receive. Take a look at this, sir:

My god that is incredible. I am amazed and overjoyed. I'm not even sure what to say, so I'll let the artist, friend of the site and distant relation Old Face Andre, describe his masterpiece:

In this work, Kathy is communicating directly with the heavens through her invisible Spangler-candle. In this rare and mysterious ritual, the powerful heavenly currents surge through her body to Earth, giving her glimpses into future weather patterns situated in and around the Denver Metro area. I chose to depict her as the statue of Liberty, both to symbolize her permanence in Denver meteorological culture and to illustrate the inalienable right to wear bermuda shorts.

Bravo, Andre. I've never been so proud to call you cousin. A brew and burger is on me at My Brother's Bar sometime this weekend. You've earned it.

The Red Coats are Coming!

Well, well, well . . . look who finally came strolling in all dressed up and ready to do some forecastin'. My apologies for the chuckle toward the end of the video, but I couldn't take that tube-of-cherry-red-lipstick ensemble seriously. All I could think about was Dee Reynolds' Desert Rose persona in that episode of "It's Always Sunny" when they wrestle for the troops. That outfit is dog dick red. She looks like the Kool-Aid man's wife. Amazing.

I bet Coniglio's back in the break room stewing as we speak. He does all the heavy lifting for this storm only to have the rug swept out from beneath him at the most critical moment. I can see him sitting there with his hands on his head, a small HD-TV hung in the corner showing Kathy's back yard antics. The volume is low. He looks up at it and stares quizzically for a moment. His Italian blood boils and he stands up solemnly. He straightens his suit. Then the rage then takes hold and he overturns the break room table with a quick underhand lift. Maybe the table catches him on the shin and it just pisses him off more. His face is as red as Kathy's outfit now. He kicks the water cooler with all his might and then storms out of the building. He heads to the Skylark for Heinekens backed by shots of Jameson . . . Jimmy McNulty-style. "This was my storm," he mumbles sadly to the bartender. "This was my storm." The bartender sighs and gives him a round on the house. And hopefully Marty gets lucky.

Anyway, nothing's really changed with the forecast that Marty put together (a lot of moisture, but only a couple of inches of snow here in Denver). I went to the roof of FKS headquarters at 10:32PM to smoke a cigarette and gather some data and can report, at that time, a heavy downpour comprised of half snow and half rain. There was also lightning and thunder. It was exhilarating.

Now it's time for a bourbon and a good, long sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Enjoy the show.

Love,
Flip

Instruments of Weather

It's just so . . . awkward. I bet she's just absolutely brutal to talk to at parties. If anyone can verify this, please let me know.

I headed down to Ft. Lauderdale last week for my annual gator wrestling camp and once again was completely mesmerized by the meteorologists gracing their television screens (click to engorge):

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It is South Florida. These gals are built for speed and hurricane parties and probably do the former at the latter. But they have to know their stuff given the life-threatening weather that can be found in America's wang from June to Thanksgiving. They are magical creatures, friends:

I bet they're awesome to talk to at those hurricane parties.

The Games of Video & Heartbreak

Before I get to the fun stuff, a moment of silence if you would. All is not roses and reach arounds. Stacey Donaldson, a decent enough meteorologist who always gave me up slope, is being shown the door over at CBS 4. Those bastards. It is uncommon in this life to get a combination of naughty librarian and meteorologist in one tidy, attractive package. Naughty librariometeorologists are very rare in nature and News 4 should be investigated for what may or may not be a violation (or violations) of the Endangered Species Act of 1973, which states: "A species is considered endangered if it is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range." I don't see any other naughty librariometeorologists taking refuge in our fair city. Maybe Crystal Egger will start sporting the specs in tribute. That would be nice.

Anyway, Stacey's last day is Friday so tune her in (Tokyo) if you get a chance. She deserves a large final audience.

Now I'm just going to bombard you with weather-related videos . . . some of which I'm sure you've seen, some you may have not have. The guy in the middle two is Jim Kosek, who's exploits should be known to some of you diehard FKSheads. The last one, and most boring, is Kath's forecast for the next couple of days. I'm including it because she specifically predicts 2-4 inches and I want motion picture proof for this one. I just have a feeling.

HT B==> - - - Warmingglow

Pantomiming Dipping Your Junk in Snow

I imagine you've already seen this other places, but if not, enjoy. This is the kind of perverse moxie I'm looking for in a person who "forecasts" the weather. You're only right 44 percent of the time anyway, might as well have some fun with it. His name is Pete Bouchard. He appears to work in Boston. And if I had to guess he probably has a really small dick. From his bio:

What is one thing about you most people would be surprised by?
That I'm a gearhead who loves heavy equipment. I have a commercial driver license, and I own a Ford LN9000 dump truck with a Cummins L10 engine. Wanna ride?

Anyway, we're getting our first snow since January 6 tonight. 9NEWS Meteorologist Kathy Sabine says to expect 1 to 3 inches total in Denver by midday when the storm winds down. Everyone else is saying something similar. Personally, I think we're in for a dusting at best. Sad? Sure.

Sorry for the meager amount of posting, but shit, absent a good snow storm, a freakish heat wave or Kath doing something crazy on live television, I don't have much to say right now. We'll pick things up again next month. That I can guarantee.

Stay Wet,
Flip

Portrait of a Cold Front in Video Stills

If I weren't so lazy, I'd use Microsoft Paint(TM) to draw a thought bubble off to the right of Kath's head. In it, I'd either put a .gif of a monkey or a picture of myself. This is a wistful, dreamy and hopeful Kath. This is a Kath who could give two shits about artic air that's so cold it's freezing what enamel she has left on her teeth. She's dreamin', man. Thinkin' about white sandy beaches and shirtless dudes. I wouldn't be surprised if she takes a vacation soon. You heard it here first.

This is the same look I imagine someone would have if they saw a UFO floating above a pasture and using a laser to slaughter calves with incredible precision (if you haven't read this article, by the way, please do so post haste . . . if only for this quote: "Only a human or something like that can cut the ears like that." Mike Tyson?). The same look will find her face when she is told that sports anchor Drew Soicher is suspected of having an "inappropriate relationship" with Gidget, the Denver Zoo's NFL prognosticating sea lion (who is fucking terrible at predicting games, by the way).

*lowers eyes, exhales deeply and shakes head back and forth slowly*

If that's not a come hither stare, then I'm not sure what would qualify. Focused, pensive, alluring . . . if she was looking at me like this in a bar I would probably smile, blush and avert my eyes before sending her a cocktail via the barkeep - probably a Prado, because this look makes me believe Kath can handle egg whites in her cocktail. Yeesh, that sounds a little more risque than I intended. Ah well, it's a new decade. Innuendo is all the rage in the Twenty Ten . . . or so the college kids would lead me to believe.

And I would be remiss if I did not bow slightly and congratulate Kath on a job well done for her predictin' of this storm. She was spot on with the snow forecast (2-4, shitbirds) and the rapidly dropping mercury. Sure, the winds weren't quite as strong as she had hoped, but I won't hold that against her. Nobody likes the wind. It is Satan's farts.

Scary Cold

Kath feigns amazement in her snow attracting outfit

Wow . . . my video capture equipment is down so this is all I can share from tonight's forecast by the Matron Saint. It was bizarre to say the least. Not so much the actual forecast - she's pretty robotic when it comes to reading teleprompters and pointing at maps - it was the playful banter with the anchors that was creepy. The photo above was taken right after she said, "Hey, it's still fall." Then she held that odd grin for a few seconds while Adele Arakawa made mention of looking forward to the 20s. Then Kath started giggling and saying something about how weird it was that Adele would say that before blurting out, "Fall in Colorado!"

I'm not doing a good job of describing the interaction, but believe me, it was strange. It reminded me of a party I attended a few weeks ago. This gal was virtually passed out in the host's bed due to, apparently, too many shots. All of the sudden, she sprung to life and ran into the living room where she performed an incredibly detailed (and sexy) dance routine involving a chair and the late Michael Jackson's music. To the complete shock of everyone in the room, she absolutely nailed it. When the song ended, she bowed and then staggered back into the bedroom and passed out (and yes, I left her alone . . . get your minds out of the gutter). That's essentially what this forecast was like.

Anyway, Sabine said there's going to be a dusting to an inch of snow in the early morning hours which should make for another awesome commute. I can't wait. Also, the temperature should top out in the mid teens. Be thankful you're not homeless.

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:


This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.

-Flipper

Hits & Misses - Part 2

At left is Kathy (I think - it might be Audra from Rocky's Autos) at the height of her powers slumming with what appears to be Bob Kendrick and Kirk Montgomery. I was watching a 9News segment Friday or Saturday night and they were previewing the "Lighting the Lights" ceremony at the City and County Building. Some woman anchor was giving Kirk shit about his voice being hoarse (he was due to sing at the event minutes later) and his hair looking bad. Kirk seemed positively rattled by these digs and looked genuinely afraid. It was probably the most hilarious thing I've seen on 9News in the past five years.

I also found this comment from 9News.com, made in reference to the top story about the cold and potential snow, to be amusing and/or spot on:

gobadgerzzz wrote:

Please, 9 News, I am begging and pleading with you. Don't make a "trace-2 inch" prediction of snow the lead story, like it was last night on your 5:00 news. You just set yourself up to look clueless. Don't you realize that when you make snow the LEAD STORY (no matter how little your prediction is), it is all anyone can talk about around town? It's all I hear about at work, at the grocery store, at the bank. People talking about snow coming cause you hyped it up as THE LEAD STORY both on the news and your website! Viewers don't even wait to hear how much is predicted, they just hear SNOW and run with it. Everyone expects a lot of snow, then you wake up, and nothing. You look like fools when you do this! Even my husband got called into DIA for SNOW REMOVAL last night. Had to go in at 2:00 a.m.!! Guess what? No snow!! How many other businesses did the same because of your hyped up story? Please! Common sense. For small amounts of snow like this, it can wait for the regular weather segment. It is, after all, the mountains we live in.

Anyway, it's the evening rush hour and, from what I see out my window, there is nary a flake flying. This means the second part of Kathy's prediction last night ends in FAILURE. There will be no snow affecting the evening drive. Good. I don't want her to start getting too accurate all of the sudden. But her forecast, as well as everyone else's, is being quickly revised to include a minimal shot of snow tomorrow. A breakdown:

Weather.com - Low of 22 tonight, High of 28 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Accuweather.com - Low of 16 tonight, High of 25 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
9News - Low of 14 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
7News - Low of 12 tonight, High of 21 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
News4 - Low of 19 tonight, High of 27 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
Fox31 - Low of I don't know - he didn't say, High of 25 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Channel 2 - Low of 15 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 inches of snow by Thursday night

Hits & Misses - Part 1

After almost a week of no Sabine, I made it a point last night to watch Mrs. Red Umbrella in action and can report the following: She was spot on with regard to what time the winds would kick up as the polar air mass moved through the Denver metro area. At 11:00PM Tuesday night, high winds ushered in noticeably frigid air and low, wispy, fast-moving clouds. I smoked a cigarette as I watched it all go down and nodded my head in an approving manner, for I was duly impressed with the Sabinenomics unfolding before me. But Kathleen also said, and I paraphrase, "There will be snow on your way into work and on your way home." She was definite about this snow and at first I thought, "Wow, good work giving yourself such a large window." People generally go to work anytime between 6:00 and 10:00AM and come home between 3:00PM and 7:00PM. Any hint of snow during those periods and Kathy could kick back with a relaxing glass of Pinot and revel in the self satisfaction of being correct on her snow forecast. Well, get the corkscrew out because, according to my sources, one sixteenth of an inch of snow fell at some point this morning. Well done, Kath! You fucking nailed it! I will monitor the afternoon precipitation from my personal weather center high above the streets in the heart of the city and report back on the accuracy of Mrs. Sabine's second drive-time forecast. Until then . . . I bid you goodbye and hope your Wednesday kicks ass. Stay warm, won't you?

Cold Fronts for the People!

<--- You see that? Yeah. You like that, don't you? Gets you all hot, doesn't it? I'm talking to you, snowboarders and skiers and sledders and people who enjoy snowball fights. Time to wax up your gear (sexual euphemism not exactly intended, but enjoyed nonetheless) and jam I-70 because the flakes are flying. I am unsure of what was forecast for the mountains last night (or even Denver) as I was too consumed by the election the past several days to care about crappy weather forecasts by lily white meteorologists. I did hear this morning that 6-12 inches may fall in the high country, with 18 big ones up near Rabbit Ears Pass (named after either Steve Javy or Rabbit Ears peak). By the looks of the photo here, I'd say they've received three (3) inches at the tunnel thus far (3:30PM - Nov. 5th). I am very good at eyeballing snow totals by remote camera. It is a trait passed on to me by my grandpa on my mom's side, even though I never knew him. And you'll have to help me out, because snow may or may not have been forecast for Denver last (Nov. 4th) evening. I don't think it happened. I can report that rain fell at a nice pace for about seven (7) minutes starting around 1:36AM. I know this because I was drunk on whiskey and Budweiser and the sudden splatter of raindrops on my windows confused me and forced me outside to investigate. I gave a thumbs up skyward and went to bed.

FUN KATHY SABINE FACT FROM HER BIO ON 9News.com: I began college studying to be a veterinarian. I started work on my first degree in Animal Science at Cal Poly later switching to a major in journalism. My work on my second degree in meteorology began years later at Metropolitan State College in Denver and also at Mississippi State University.

Now, I can't quite decipher if she got one or two meteorology degrees (or if that's even possible/useful). Either she got one from Metro and one from Mississippi State, or she somehow combined studies at those two universities to get one super meteorology degree that she puts to use five days a week. Either way, I would venture to bet that she is one of the few people in the world to study weather at those two schools. Also, good to hear about her veterinarian background. I encourage any of you with sick pets to email her for advice.

Election Day Cloud Seeding?

I've been laying low for the past week because there isn't shit going on with regard to Colorado weather or the people who foolishly attempt to forecast it. I'm certainly not bitching though - this has to be one of the finest weeks leading up to Halloween in the last 10 years. If you care, highs have been in the mid 70s with lows in the low 40s here in the state's capital (not the fucking airport . . . I'll discuss this temperature of record being recorded at the airport thing very soon, because it drives me absolutely insane). I suppose my only beef with our local meteorologists was the forecast last Sunday (October 26). Each and every one of them claimed that a front to our north would stay there, giving us a reasonably warm day (64 degrees). Wrong. WRONG! I joined 100,000 of my closest neighbors at the Obama rally at Civic Center Park and froze my balls off. I think the actual high topped out at around 54. Not that that's a particularly cold temperature, but at 10:30AM when I arrived to the steps of the capitol, it was probably 45 degrees with some gusty winds. It chilled me to the bone . . . and that hurts.

Speaking of politics (sort of), I've heard from a source in no way related to the McCain/Palin campaign who says, on their way out of various American cities after rallies, they are seeding the clouds from their planes. Their hope, apparently, is to crank up the moisture content in the skies believing heavy rains on Tuesday will knock down voter turnout. Pretty nefarious if you ask me . . . and completely made up. Although no political tactic would shock me at this point.

Last thing on politics . . . if you, good resident of Denver, had MyFoxColorado meteorologist Chris Dunn in your "first one to suggest the weather on election day may be crappy," you go ahead and collect your prize. His "On Target" forecast claims we'll be looking at a high of 60 with the potential for rain. I'll shall monitor this prediction closely.

Anyway, happy Halloween to all. I should've gone as my hero Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel but I wasn't thinking. Next year. For sure.



I heard Sabine's dressing up like a polluted snowflake . . . but I'm sure she'll look adorable.