SNOW-MG, LOL!

Look what I found on my Facebook this morning . . . the infamous St. Louis-ophile Ditchfield-Murray - sporting a fancy new name and dispensing ominous news. Very exciting stuff. Normally my Facebook is full of people posting cryptic messages (looking for attention) or quotes with no attributes (really gets my goat). And then there's updates on children (no one cares) and bragging about how great life is (most likely a lie). So it's refreshing to see a local "celebrity" (and I use this term in the loosest way possible) gracing my little sphere doing what she kind of does in very mediocre fashion once in awhile. The only other celebrity on my docket is Jason Mulgrew. His blog (Everything is Wrong With Me) has seen better days, but if you're snowed/frozen in for the next couple of days, I can't recommend enough a thorough poking of the archives. Drink beer while you do so.

Tebow balls . . . I'm rambling. Who gives a shit about the Facebook when we're finally set to add to our impressive one inch snow total for the season (and when I say season, I mean September, 2010 through May, 2011). Virtually everyone's on the same page with this one. Five to ten inches by tomorrow morning and scrotum-clenching cold. Personally, I think it's too cold and we won't get anywhere close to 10 inches of snow. I like Carter's forecast of 5 inches in the city. I'm saying four inches, tops. I'll let Gaguilera break it down one time:


Here's a look at what's going on in Lower Downtown Denver thus far. Be warned . . . it is not at all impressive.



Lastly, I wanted to put all FKS Weather Watchers(TM) on HOT WHITE alert. You know what that means. Speaking of FKS Weather Watchers(TM), I rather enjoyed this text I got from Billy Axelrod on Dec. 26 at 8:01PM MST: Egger's on the weather channel right fucking now. Creamed jeans.

Tebow bless you, Billy.

Backstreet's Back

Where are your fucking gloves, Libby? But yes, the ring is very nice.

My weather blogging is coming under fire from critics far and wide . . . and rightly so. Somehow I failed to notice that local meteorological icon Nick "The Occluded Front" Carter ended up moving over to Fox. This happened in June! If you recall, Captain Carter was unceremoniously dropped, like hot puke off a rest stop toilet (*plagiarizing Jeff Johnson*), from 9News back in January for monetary reasons. I thought then, and still do now, that Altieri had something to do with it. But I can't prove that . . . yet. Regardless, Carter is a seasoned veteran and and a good pick-up for Fox . . . at least according to the comments left on a story announcing his switch:

Nice to hear that Nick Carter is back – pilots are great weather forecasters. Nick’s sense of humor has been missed since Channel 9 made the big mistake of letting him go!

Comment by Jen J October 14, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

So glad to see more of Nick Carter on Fox31 weather. He’s one of the best Denver has ever had. Channel 9 made a big mistake letting him go. I hope he stays in Denver the rest of his career.

Comment by Evergreen Grandma October 8, 2009 @ 12:57 pm

In Scottsbluff, NE we get two Denver channels on our cable. I watch #2 because of Nick Carter. He is the best weatherman and I like his calmness in bad weather situations.

Comment by E J October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am

Hey what happened between Nick Carter and the anchor on last nights broadcast, he didnt know that camera’s were back on and he told Nick Carter he didnt have a future??????

Comment by Ted S December 7, 2009 @ 9:05 am

I think it's clear that Nick is well regarded amongst the elderly, Nebraskans and pilots. And if you stop and think about it for a second, you'll realize that these are the folks most respected in the meteorological community. Why? Because pilots have to understand the weather so they don't kill themselves; Nebraskans who are up at 5:30AM probably farm and greatly depend on weather forecasts; and old people have been around long enough to know who's full of shit and who knows their weather. If I was Nick, I'd be pumped. I'll admit I have a soft spot in my otherwise cold, black heart for Nick. He seems earnest and steady, like the music of Ryan Bingham. And I think his fat man's hat is good shit.

But what about his forecast? Well, like everybody else, he said it's going to be as frosty as Tiger's marriage today. He also said to expect some heavier snow between 1 and 4 in the morning. I just had a look (1:30AM) and can confirm that is snowing, albeit lightly. It's also eight degrees, breezy and painful out there.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment and give a Mile High Salute to the Barrel Man (aka Tim McKernan), who sadly passed on to the great unknown Saturday. He was the president de facto of Broncos Country and will be sorely missed. He was awesome in so many ways . . . this being one of them:

And if you're going to the Broncos game on Sunday the 20th, see if you can't get yourself a barrel to wear in tribute.

Roll out the barrels . . . we'll have a barrel of fun,
Flip

The Execution of Nick Carter is Nigh

Word from inside the 9News headquarters is that Nick "The Brick" Carter has finished off his "last meal," which consisted of the full fried chicken plate from the Welton St. Cafe and one large pepperoni and pineapple pizza from Two-Fisted Mario's. He is said to be in a calm, reflective state as his final broadcast nears. According to my source, "He's mainly just puttering around the weather center. He looked at (and tenderly touched) the double doppler radar screen a couple of times. He also tried to get in the station's helicopter but he couldn't fit. He gave Marty (Coniglio) a lingering hug and multiple fist pounds. He hasn't said a word to Ashton (Altieri) - he just stares menacingly at him. But he seems to be resigned to what's going to happen. We'll see what goes down I guess."

According to multiple sources, Nick will be allowed one shot of good whiskey right before he goes on to calm his nerves. But he will, in all likelihood, sneak a couple more. This may lead to an emotional and/or angry sign-off which hopefully includes him unleashing a torrent of profanity while heaving Sabine's red umbrellas off of the "weather deck" and onto Speer Boulevard. Please, if you happen to catch this during the evening broadcast (or when driving by the 9News sudio), be sure to take a photo.

Goodbye, Nick. May Mother Nature have mercy on your soul.

Bringing the Record Heat!

I hope you enjoyed the record heat today, Denver. Nick Carter over at 9News says we hit 77 out at the airport, which indeed sets a record for November 18. He also says it's damn near 80 downtown in the early afternoon. In other words, it's hotter than Dan Caplis and Amy Sporer fornicating (definitely missionary) in a down sleeping bag . . . at least for this time of year. Appreciate it, fine citizens, because, as you can plainly see, the rollercoaster only goes down from here . . . and terrifying weather is afoot.

* HT to holytaco.com for one of the most tremendous photos I've ever seen.