Bake and Flake

Well, I don't know what I expected, but here's the bullshit in video form . . . the first one is from the 9PM newscast on Wednesday (11/10/10) and the second from the 10PM newscast on Thursday (11-11-10):





So . . . yeah . . . here we go again. Sometimes I feel that even if Sabine was traveling back in time from a couple days in the future she'd still fuck up the forecast. It really is remarkable. And, if everything shapes up like it's supposed to (read: La Nina, putos), we should be in for a long, glorious winter of wild and desperate forecasting. For those of you new to the area, La Nina generally keeps us dry here on the Front Range (El Nino always brings the lube). You'd think that would keep the folks whose "job" it is to forecast the weather from getting aroused, but you'd be dead wrong. The longer we go without significant snow, the more desperate they become. You see, "predicting" snow storms feeds the egos of our beloved meteorologists more than anything else. They're like your friend who revels in discovering new bands in that they derive smug satisfaction from giving you their opinion, regardless of your interest or belief. Mark my words, we're going to see some spectacularly errant forecasts this winter . . . and I'm OK with that . . . because I revel in watching them fail. Because I'm a dick.

Speaking of dicks, behold the finest weather dong ever put on television:

You've probably seen it other places, but I would be remiss if I didn't include it here.

Hot, Hot Anger Abounds

Jesus . . . look at the utter contempt on her face. She looks genuinely pissed about this Native American summer we're experiencing. She looks like Elin Woods probably did the night she discovered the extent of Tiger's impressive whoring. I think standing in the 9News Back Yard(TM?) in a black blazer during the record heat simply pushed her over the edge. It's really awesome to see. She's taking a stand against mother nature for all us sinners. This aggressive heat will not stand . . . man!


ZOMG! 92 Degrees? How will we ever make it through the day? It was 113 Degrees Fahrenheit in Los Angeles on Monday. Think about that. That's Middle East hot. That's ball-soakingly hot. That's Egger in the sauna hot. Wait . . . where am I going with this? I must be feeling the heat stroke. Wait . . . no . . . that sounds terrible. Here, look at this:



He apparently knew the Barrel Man well and goes by the moniker "Limo Driver." This was during the record heat and after the Broncos unfortunate 27-13 loss to the Colts. I appreciate this gentleman. And he's wearing a denim-like jacket/long sleeve shirt in the boiling afternoon sun. Is he sad? Fuck no. He's happy and hustlin' . . . like we all should be . . . regardless of the temperature.

Speaking of anger, I would be remiss if I didn't tip my cap to the anti-meteorologist rant unleashed by Drew Magary, one of my all time, top five favorite internet personalities. To wit:

Weathermen(women) are the reason your children will become complete pussies when they grow up. No joke. They cancel schools these days if there's a goddamn inch of snow on the ground, and weathermen(women) overhyping storms is part of the reason why. If a weatherman(woman) was shot tomorrow, I would not be sad. I would send the killer a hot post-op tranny to have sex with.

If you're not familiar with Mr. Magary, I hope you become so in the near future.

And a very special thanks to reader and friend of the site Frosty "Jay" Rehmersma for the photos associated with this "story." You're a good man . . . and thorough.

Crystal Balls Out

It's a dark day, my friends. If you haven't heard the news, brace yourselves (and this is going to hit Billy Axelrod particularly hard), FKS favorite Crystal Egger has gone corporate. According to our good friends at the Denver Post, Crystal has begun employment with the Weather Channel. This is what she had to say about leaving the Mile High City:

"It was an honor to live there for four years. But I won't need a snow shovel when I report on your first blizzard." She may have possibly continued, "I will miss Flip Washington most of all. His intense love for weather and for me made my time in Denver the most passionate period of my life. I owe everything I have to him."

It's flattering, no doubt, but also disturbing. I know it won't be long before my idol Jim Cantore woos her with his superior understanding of the pressure gradient and it absolutely sears my soul. But what the hell, it was a good ride while it lasted. I salute Crystal for her service here. Her forecasting, for the most part, was conservative. But her attitude and expert use of makeup were always positive. I'm going to miss her. Farewell, my sweet snow angel.

Speaking of Weather Channel talent, I encountered what appears to be a forecasting mirage during my travels this summer. Let me set the scene . . . I was driving recklessly from Seattle to Denver one brilliant day in July with the intention of stopping in Bozeman, Montana for drinks, regrettable romance and maybe a few winks. Due to a glut in Yellowstone tourists, every hotel from Bozeman eastward was full. At 2:00AM, I finally found a place in Billings . . . a Howard Johnson's with sticky carpets and an air conditioner that rattled the entire room.

It was also filled with bikers who preferred to stay not in their rooms, but in the parking lot outside. Said parking lot was adjacent to my room. This meant I had the honor of listening to them scream like animals and break bottles for two hours. It reminded of college . . . but with a sinister edge.

Circumstances as they were, I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep so I flipped on the Weather Channel. This is what appeared:

Needless to say, things got lusty in a hurry. What she was forecasting is all a blur. How she forecasted it will forever be burned into my psyche. Ninety one degrees never felt so good. But I never caught her name. And a review of the Weather Channel's personalities page provides no clues to this weather vixen's identity. So I turn to you, dear readers, and ask you to use your disturbing internet stalking skills and reveal the name behind the face. Inquiring weather minds want to know.

Lastly, please enjoy the scene I witnessed as I left the HoJo at 9:30AM:

There's a Lot of Weed Going to Waste

Norhwest view from westbound I-70 - Sept. 5, 2010

The canyons west of Boulder are aflame and that can only mean one thing . . . thousands of pounds of pot are being incinerated, but not being properly consumed. Actually, I don't know that for sure . . . I'm merely assuming that the hills northwest of Boulder are full of growers and connoisseurs. This is what I was led to believe after living in the area for five football seasons.

So it's a serious situation. And I probably shouldn't make light of it considering four people are missing, dozens have lost their homes, a popular ranch has burned and they still don't have it anywhere near under control. It's certainly not funny.

But I am continually amazed at people who choose to live in the mountains and then are devastated when a forest fire eventually destroys their property. Fires have been burning in forests since the dawn of time and that's never going to stop. It's nature's way of cleaning and unless you take some pretty radical precautions, you'll be swept under the rug right along with everything else.

I think you assume a pretty high risk when you decide to settle down in a dry, wooded area and I'm not sure you should be surprised when disaster strikes. I would think, if I owned land in such an area, I would be mentally prepared for the day when my house would be reduced to ash and foundation. But every time a fire roars through an affluent mountain town, the majority of folks you see on the news are pained and weeping. And maybe that's the media being dramatic, but, dammit, no matter who you are, you should realize where you live and suck it up. Take your insurance, rebuild, and rest easy knowing that you won't have to deal with another fire for probably the rest of your life. The forest will be back eventually. If not for you, for your kids or grandkids.

That said, I am rather surprised, given where this fire is burning, that they didn't employ the Evergreen Boeing 747 Supertanker. They used several aircraft today to drop 35,000 gallons of retardant. The Supertanker can drop roughly 20,000 gallons in one trip. And I know, for an absolute fact, that the thing is just sitting at an airport in San Bernardino, CA. Seems like a waste of resources.

Dressed in Yellow, Saying "Hello"

God damn I've missed you guys. Just want to let you all know that I'm alive and well and getting geared up for the season. I know there's probably a lot of analysis and chiding and browbeating I could do around here during the summer but, like any professional, I need my time off. Summer fucking sucks anyway. The heat makes me shudder and sweat. It also confuses me. This is no state to be in to properly mock the palm readers who like to paint themselves as predictors of weather.

But fear not, good things are afoot. As you can see, I worked hard on creating a new banner for the site. I'm also on Twitter now . . . my handle or call sign or whatever you call it is @flip_washington. I have one tweet so far. It's about Hurricane Earl.

Anyway, things will start cranking up around here soon so tell your friends. I love you all and look forward to a glorious six months of blown forecasts and awful fashion statements from the matron saint. Join me, won't you? And have yourself a fine Labor Day weekend.

Yours until the Mayan Calendar Runs Out,
Flip

Sister Twistin'

Madness out there today . . . mainly east and north of the city. There were at least three tornadoes spotted, but I really couldn't tell you exactly where they were. I'm guessing one was south of Greeley, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. If any of our FKS Northern Colorado weather spotters got any good looks at the thing, please send that action my way. Too many people are firing off photo after photo to the gimps at 9News and it's making me look bad. I suppose I just ought to show you one of them:

You can see the rest here.

You'll be glad to know that, like 9news, I have a weather deck at FKS headquarters. Some of you are aware of this due to my brave coverage of the late March snowstorm earlier in the year. Whelp, I made it up there tonight and while the video captures very little in the way of compelling weather, I think it still might fire you up:



And if that doesn't amuse you in the slightest, perhaps Miami forecaster John Gualardi's Mother's Day forecast teaser will:

A tip of the cap to HOT HOT JAPAN HOT

Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the first Sabine of Liberty photoshop submission by reader "Denver Devil." This came into the comments section a day before Old Face Andre's work and somehow I missed it. I apologize to you, Devil. It should've been recognized in a more timely fashion. Behold:

What it lacks in complexity, it makes up for in simplicity. Once again Kath is portrayed as a beacon of freedom and hope (in a baseball stadium no less). The irony is not lost on me, sir. Actually, maybe it's not ironic at all. She is, in a twisted way, the American dream: free to "predict" whatever she wants on public airways without repercussion while also being tall and mildly attractive. And she's paid handsomely to do/be these things. That's every immigrant's dream, no? I know it's my dream. I am reasonably tall, so I've got that going for me.

Anyway, much thanks to the Denver Devil, whoever you may be. Be sure to check out his/her flickr . . . even if the photo above is the only one he/she has uploaded thus far. Good things are coming I reckon.

Also, make sure your Spidey sense is up to snuff because it looks like there may be some odd weather heading our way over the next couple of days. Keep your eyes on the sky. And cook me a pie. Apple, por favor.

Yours Always,
Flip