Fire Kathy Sabine

Your Attention Please

2012-01-10T16:51:00.002-07:00

Your Area and the Weather - Don't Get Touched Inappropriately

2011-10-25T15:29:00.005-06:00

Your area is going to be violated! Quick, fashion a loin cloth made of plastic wrap and cower meekly in the nearest bathroom stall . . . for WINTER WEATHER is going to wreck your shitty junk. Your area must be protected at all costs. Invest in shields and guns and snow shovels and lice creams and dental dams at once! Actually, just a Nutty Buddy will do.

Anyway, looks like some fun times are afoot for the Mild, High City. Quite a week out there. First you have Tebow getting Tebowned by Timself for 95 percent of the game before Tebowing it around and pulling a Tebow. By the way, we're not talking about him with a hint of adoration without that onside kick. Fucking ridiculous. Then you have the reemergence of the mysterious, delicious McRib.

And now the prospect of a massive dump by Old Man Winter? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttttttt . . . you guys are living right.

I'll be back later on with some further analysis of the snowfall predictions . . . mainly those of this blog's namesake and her minions. Right now, they're saying 6-12 inches. You want it, don't you Denver? Yeah. You want it bad.

Talk to you later. I've missed you guys.

-Flipper T.

PS - I need all FKS Weather Spotters to get stoned and then be on hazy alert. I want odd photos and blurry memories of the storm please. Thank you.

3:45

2011-02-03T16:05:00.004-07:00

Just so you know, last night on the 10:00PM forecast Sabine said the snow that's been falling since around 11:00AM would actually start at 3:45PM (I have no idea why she picked this particular time - seems like an odd choice). She said it'd be a "quick hitter." She claimed it would be in and then out in no time leaving less than an inch. Maybe she was talking about you in the bedroom.

When the Thundersnowlightning Hits Your Sky Like a Big Pizza Pie, That's Cantore

2011-02-02T23:30:00.004-07:00

I need to start by apologizing for my abhorrent lack of coverage of Denver's deep freeze. It's shameful, I know, but I have a reason. It's called gargoyling (see third entry). Some of you may call it twin fire. Whatever the preferred term, shitting lava while projectile vomiting into the bathtub is sure to take the wind out of the sails of even the most hardy blogger, and old Flip is no exception. Sunday night saw my body expel every last drop of its contents and then some which left me in a confused and semi-catatonic state for the next 24 hours. The only activities I could muster energy for was drinking Gatorade(TM), laying on the couch, eating pho and swallowing a vicodin. Things were grim and stinky around FKS headquarters. Luckily, I put my energy into the right activities and am mended as of today . . . just in time to go back to work and enjoy temperatures that would make a Canadian blush.

Yes sir, Old Man Winter came shuffling back to town like a crusty drunk - smacking us all on the knuckles with his cane as he wandered by. He also called us "sons of whores" and "daughters of juggalos." Dude's a crotchety dick. But he did remind us that we live at the bosom of the mighty Rocky Mountains. Denver can indeed be a cruel and unusual place to live in terms of weather. On Friday the high temperature was inching near 70. On Tuesday it barely tickled zero. But so what? Those saps back east would give a lot of cash and appendages for wild swings in temperature. Having feet of snow on the ground for months on end, unless you're in the mountains, is akin to having a cheese grater rubbed slowly up and down your thighs. You feel the pain every inch of the way.

But that's neither here nor there. This post isn't about us. It's about longtime friend of the site, popular action figure and all around bad ass meteorologist Jim Cantore. The exuberance, passion, bewilderment and unadulterated joy displayed by Mr. Cantore on Michigan Avenue last night was simply a sight to behold. I left the weather channel on all evening as I went about my chores (read: napping, masturbation, sighing, sitting in the sauna, sipping spicy Spanish wine) and would rush back to the television anytime they cut live to Cantore. I imagine, by now, you've seen his reaction to the bolt of lightning, but there was more goodness where that came from:

Mother Nature is clearly Cantore's mistress. Look for a Windy City Jim action figure in stores near you . . . coming soon.

And I would be remiss if I didn't give Coniglio some props. He eschewed the coattails of the National Weather Service and correctly predicted the snow Sunday night/Monday morning would be between 1-4 inches (NWS predicted 3-6). Way to trust your gut, sir. You have fortitude and that's all we ask for in our meteorologists. It's why Jimmy Cantore's so god damned awesome. Keep up the good work, Marty.

A Naughty Little Storm

2011-01-08T21:53:00.009-07:00

Yeeeaaaaahhhhh . . . that's how a pro does it. A weather quickie . . . in and out . . . not sitting there unloading on you. Sounds like Mrs. Abrams, whom I've expressed considerable amounts of love for, is feeling a bit frisky in this new year. Perhaps, like a lot of couples, the newness of her marriage has worn off and the sex is waning. She is clearly acting out in the hope of capturing my attention and, by god, it has worked. My offer of an unsatisfactory sexual relationship (for her) still stands (erect).

Lucky for us, we have the exact opposite of Stephanie Abrams working here in Denver. I don't know her name . . . and I can't even find it on their site, but she's definitely pretty frightening in that "can't control the volume of one's voice" kind of way. I watched her shrilly belt out the forecast Saturday evening and kept cringing and wincing. It was one of the most abrasive weather forecasts I've ever been a part of. I've posted a couple of photos of this magical creature below. If you're some kind of masochist and want to hear her voice, go here, because I'm not putting people through that.

Seems like the naughty theme should continue - plus, it took me well over an hour to photoshop Sabine into this.

What can I say really, she kind of frightens me. But she seems earnest enough so I won't bust her ovaries too much. Like most, she is forecasting just an absolutely savage 72-hour stretch:

Good God . . . I'm going to be drinking heavily on Tuesday. Like the last storm, I have a hard time believing we'll get anywhere near the high end of the predicted snowfall total. It just seems when arctic air like this is involved, things shrivel and the inches stay lower than expected. Just like when you lay with an icy woman.

Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for the worst. Any opportunity to show up at least 30 minutes late to work on Monday is one that I'm quite interested in. Pretty much everybody's predicting between 5 and 10 inches of snow for the Denver metro area, with the belief that the most intense period of precip will occur Sunday afternoon/evening. The forecast I trust most is NOAA, because they have the most geeks . . . not a bunch of pretty ladies like the one above. They're calling for between 6 to 10 inches of pow pow. They live in Gnarnia, brah.

Regardless of the snowfall amounts, it's going to be right chilly. Make sure you have all the essentials (pho, whiskey, football, hard wood . . . for your fireplace) and get ready to enjoy an immaculately lazy Sunday. Soak it in, fuckers.

SNOW-MG, LOL!

2010-12-30T11:08:00.011-07:00

Look what I found on my Facebook this morning . . . the infamous St. Louis-ophile Ditchfield-Murray - sporting a fancy new name and dispensing ominous news. Very exciting stuff. Normally my Facebook is full of people posting cryptic messages (looking for attention) or quotes with no attributes (really gets my goat). And then there's updates on children (no one cares) and bragging about how great life is (most likely a lie). So it's refreshing to see a local "celebrity" (and I use this term in the loosest way possible) gracing my little sphere doing what she kind of does in very mediocre fashion once in awhile. The only other celebrity on my docket is Jason Mulgrew. His blog (Everything is Wrong With Me) has seen better days, but if you're snowed/frozen in for the next couple of days, I can't recommend enough a thorough poking of the archives. Drink beer while you do so.

Tebow balls . . . I'm rambling. Who gives a shit about the Facebook when we're finally set to add to our impressive one inch snow total for the season (and when I say season, I mean September, 2010 through May, 2011). Virtually everyone's on the same page with this one. Five to ten inches by tomorrow morning and scrotum-clenching cold. Personally, I think it's too cold and we won't get anywhere close to 10 inches of snow. I like Carter's forecast of 5 inches in the city. I'm saying four inches, tops. I'll let Gaguilera break it down one time:

Here's a look at what's going on in Lower Downtown Denver thus far. Be warned . . . it is not at all impressive.

Lastly, I wanted to put all FKS Weather Watchers(TM) on HOT WHITE alert. You know what that means. Speaking of FKS Weather Watchers(TM), I rather enjoyed this text I got from Billy Axelrod on Dec. 26 at 8:01PM MST: Egger's on the weather channel right fucking now. Creamed jeans.

Tebow bless you, Billy.

Lake Snowbegone

2010-12-15T22:28:00.005-07:00

Whelp, I hate to be the person who hates to tell you I told you so . . . but La Nina, man. She is a beautiful tease that no meteorologist can refuse. She'll moisten your mountains but leave your plains high and dry. You'll be so desperate for her fluffy flakes that you'll make shameful and pleading predictions, only to have none of them come true. You will be mocked on internet comment boards and cursed loudly at holiday parties . . . for you are the meteorologist who cried snow one too many times.

To wit . . . from Tuesday's (12/14/10) 10PM newscast:

I cherish Mark and Adele's disbelieving silence when Sabine announces that we will have snow. I've watched that moment over and over again and love it a little more each time. It's clearly not their first rodeo. Maybe she meant the royal we . . . meaning whatever destination she fled to (that's right, she went on vacation today) will have snow, because ain't shit falling on the magnificent city of Denver, Colorado. During her weather segment, she went on to say that she expected between 1-3 inches of snow Wednesday night into Thursday. And to be fair, every other "weather expert" said roughly the same thing. Because they all look at the same computer models are deathly afraid to doubt the wisdom of computers. I don't think any of them have any shred of self confidence or moxy. Look, meteorologists, at this point we expect you to be wrong . . . you might as well have some fun and some trust in your own gut.

And 9News, will you please stop obsessing over Minnesota? It's getting kind of weird.

(Wednesday, 12/15/10 - 10PM newscast)

Bake and Flake

2010-11-11T22:31:00.004-07:00

Well, I don't know what I expected, but here's the bullshit in video form . . . the first one is from the 9PM newscast on Wednesday (11/10/10) and the second from the 10PM newscast on Thursday (11-11-10):

So . . . yeah . . . here we go again. Sometimes I feel that even if Sabine was traveling back in time from a couple days in the future she'd still fuck up the forecast. It really is remarkable. And, if everything shapes up like it's supposed to (read: La Nina, putos), we should be in for a long, glorious winter of wild and desperate forecasting. For those of you new to the area, La Nina generally keeps us dry here on the Front Range (El Nino always brings the lube). You'd think that would keep the folks whose "job" it is to forecast the weather from getting aroused, but you'd be dead wrong. The longer we go without significant snow, the more desperate they become. You see, "predicting" snow storms feeds the egos of our beloved meteorologists more than anything else. They're like your friend who revels in discovering new bands in that they derive smug satisfaction from giving you their opinion, regardless of your interest or belief. Mark my words, we're going to see some spectacularly errant forecasts this winter . . . and I'm OK with that . . . because I revel in watching them fail. Because I'm a dick.

Speaking of dicks, behold the finest weather dong ever put on television:

You've probably seen it other places, but I would be remiss if I didn't include it here.

Hot, Hot Anger Abounds

2010-09-30T00:50:00.010-06:00

Jesus . . . look at the utter contempt on her face. She looks genuinely pissed about this Native American summer we're experiencing. She looks like Elin Woods probably did the night she discovered the extent of Tiger's impressive whoring. I think standing in the 9News Back Yard(TM?) in a black blazer during the record heat simply pushed her over the edge. It's really awesome to see. She's taking a stand against mother nature for all us sinners. This aggressive heat will not stand . . . man!

ZOMG! 92 Degrees? How will we ever make it through the day? It was 113 Degrees Fahrenheit in Los Angeles on Monday. Think about that. That's Middle East hot. That's ball-soakingly hot. That's Egger in the sauna hot. Wait . . . where am I going with this? I must be feeling the heat stroke. Wait . . . no . . . that sounds terrible. Here, look at this:

He apparently knew the Barrel Man well and goes by the moniker "Limo Driver." This was during the record heat and after the Broncos unfortunate 27-13 loss to the Colts. I appreciate this gentleman. And he's wearing a denim-like jacket/long sleeve shirt in the boiling afternoon sun. Is he sad? Fuck no. He's happy and hustlin' . . . like we all should be . . . regardless of the temperature.

Speaking of anger, I would be remiss if I didn't tip my cap to the anti-meteorologist rant unleashed by Drew Magary, one of my all time, top five favorite internet personalities. To wit:

Weathermen(women) are the reason your children will become complete pussies when they grow up. No joke. They cancel schools these days if there's a goddamn inch of snow on the ground, and weathermen(women) overhyping storms is part of the reason why. If a weatherman(woman) was shot tomorrow, I would not be sad. I would send the killer a hot post-op tranny to have sex with.

If you're not familiar with Mr. Magary, I hope you become so in the near future.

And a very special thanks to reader and friend of the site Frosty "Jay" Rehmersma for the photos associated with this "story." You're a good man . . . and thorough.

Crystal Balls Out

2010-09-22T00:07:00.007-06:00

It's a dark day, my friends. If you haven't heard the news, brace yourselves (and this is going to hit Billy Axelrod particularly hard), FKS favorite Crystal Egger has gone corporate. According to our good friends at the Denver Post, Crystal has begun employment with the Weather Channel. This is what she had to say about leaving the Mile High City:

"It was an honor to live there for four years. But I won't need a snow shovel when I report on your first blizzard." She may have possibly continued, "I will miss Flip Washington most of all. His intense love for weather and for me made my time in Denver the most passionate period of my life. I owe everything I have to him."

It's flattering, no doubt, but also disturbing. I know it won't be long before my idol Jim Cantore woos her with his superior understanding of the pressure gradient and it absolutely sears my soul. But what the hell, it was a good ride while it lasted. I salute Crystal for her service here. Her forecasting, for the most part, was conservative. But her attitude and expert use of makeup were always positive. I'm going to miss her. Farewell, my sweet snow angel.

Speaking of Weather Channel talent, I encountered what appears to be a forecasting mirage during my travels this summer. Let me set the scene . . . I was driving recklessly from Seattle to Denver one brilliant day in July with the intention of stopping in Bozeman, Montana for drinks, regrettable romance and maybe a few winks. Due to a glut in Yellowstone tourists, every hotel from Bozeman eastward was full. At 2:00AM, I finally found a place in Billings . . . a Howard Johnson's with sticky carpets and an air conditioner that rattled the entire room.

It was also filled with bikers who preferred to stay not in their rooms, but in the parking lot outside. Said parking lot was adjacent to my room. This meant I had the honor of listening to them scream like animals and break bottles for two hours. It reminded of college . . . but with a sinister edge.

Circumstances as they were, I knew I wasn't going to get much sleep so I flipped on the Weather Channel. This is what appeared:

Needless to say, things got lusty in a hurry. What she was forecasting is all a blur. How she forecasted it will forever be burned into my psyche. Ninety one degrees never felt so good. But I never caught her name. And a review of the Weather Channel's personalities page provides no clues to this weather vixen's identity. So I turn to you, dear readers, and ask you to use your disturbing internet stalking skills and reveal the name behind the face. Inquiring weather minds want to know.

Lastly, please enjoy the scene I witnessed as I left the HoJo at 9:30AM:

There's a Lot of Weed Going to Waste

2010-09-08T23:52:00.005-06:00

Norhwest view from westbound I-70 - Sept. 5, 2010

The canyons west of Boulder are aflame and that can only mean one thing . . . thousands of pounds of pot are being incinerated, but not being properly consumed. Actually, I don't know that for sure . . . I'm merely assuming that the hills northwest of Boulder are full of growers and connoisseurs. This is what I was led to believe after living in the area for five football seasons.

So it's a serious situation. And I probably shouldn't make light of it considering four people are missing, dozens have lost their homes, a popular ranch has burned and they still don't have it anywhere near under control. It's certainly not funny.

But I am continually amazed at people who choose to live in the mountains and then are devastated when a forest fire eventually destroys their property. Fires have been burning in forests since the dawn of time and that's never going to stop. It's nature's way of cleaning and unless you take some pretty radical precautions, you'll be swept under the rug right along with everything else.

I think you assume a pretty high risk when you decide to settle down in a dry, wooded area and I'm not sure you should be surprised when disaster strikes. I would think, if I owned land in such an area, I would be mentally prepared for the day when my house would be reduced to ash and foundation. But every time a fire roars through an affluent mountain town, the majority of folks you see on the news are pained and weeping. And maybe that's the media being dramatic, but, dammit, no matter who you are, you should realize where you live and suck it up. Take your insurance, rebuild, and rest easy knowing that you won't have to deal with another fire for probably the rest of your life. The forest will be back eventually. If not for you, for your kids or grandkids.

That said, I am rather surprised, given where this fire is burning, that they didn't employ the Evergreen Boeing 747 Supertanker. They used several aircraft today to drop 35,000 gallons of retardant. The Supertanker can drop roughly 20,000 gallons in one trip. And I know, for an absolute fact, that the thing is just sitting at an airport in San Bernardino, CA. Seems like a waste of resources.

Dressed in Yellow, Saying "Hello"

2010-09-01T20:43:00.004-06:00

God damn I've missed you guys. Just want to let you all know that I'm alive and well and getting geared up for the season. I know there's probably a lot of analysis and chiding and browbeating I could do around here during the summer but, like any professional, I need my time off. Summer fucking sucks anyway. The heat makes me shudder and sweat. It also confuses me. This is no state to be in to properly mock the palm readers who like to paint themselves as predictors of weather.

But fear not, good things are afoot. As you can see, I worked hard on creating a new banner for the site. I'm also on Twitter now . . . my handle or call sign or whatever you call it is @flip_washington. I have one tweet so far. It's about Hurricane Earl.

Anyway, things will start cranking up around here soon so tell your friends. I love you all and look forward to a glorious six months of blown forecasts and awful fashion statements from the matron saint. Join me, won't you? And have yourself a fine Labor Day weekend.

Yours until the Mayan Calendar Runs Out,
Flip

Sister Twistin'

2010-05-18T23:19:00.007-06:00

Madness out there today . . . mainly east and north of the city. There were at least three tornadoes spotted, but I really couldn't tell you exactly where they were. I'm guessing one was south of Greeley, but that's as far as I'm willing to go. If any of our FKS Northern Colorado weather spotters got any good looks at the thing, please send that action my way. Too many people are firing off photo after photo to the gimps at 9News and it's making me look bad. I suppose I just ought to show you one of them:

You can see the rest here.

You'll be glad to know that, like 9news, I have a weather deck at FKS headquarters. Some of you are aware of this due to my brave coverage of the late March snowstorm earlier in the year. Whelp, I made it up there tonight and while the video captures very little in the way of compelling weather, I think it still might fire you up:

And if that doesn't amuse you in the slightest, perhaps Miami forecaster John Gualardi's Mother's Day forecast teaser will:

A tip of the cap to HOT HOT JAPAN HOT

Give Us Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses Yearning to Breathe Free

2010-05-17T21:45:00.007-06:00

I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the first Sabine of Liberty photoshop submission by reader "Denver Devil." This came into the comments section a day before Old Face Andre's work and somehow I missed it. I apologize to you, Devil. It should've been recognized in a more timely fashion. Behold:

What it lacks in complexity, it makes up for in simplicity. Once again Kath is portrayed as a beacon of freedom and hope (in a baseball stadium no less). The irony is not lost on me, sir. Actually, maybe it's not ironic at all. She is, in a twisted way, the American dream: free to "predict" whatever she wants on public airways without repercussion while also being tall and mildly attractive. And she's paid handsomely to do/be these things. That's every immigrant's dream, no? I know it's my dream. I am reasonably tall, so I've got that going for me.

Anyway, much thanks to the Denver Devil, whoever you may be. Be sure to check out his/her flickr . . . even if the photo above is the only one he/she has uploaded thus far. Good things are coming I reckon.

Also, make sure your Spidey sense is up to snuff because it looks like there may be some odd weather heading our way over the next couple of days. Keep your eyes on the sky. And cook me a pie. Apple, por favor.

Yours Always,
Flip

Sabine of Liberty

2010-05-13T21:33:00.005-06:00

Ask, and you shall receive. Take a look at this, sir:

My god that is incredible. I am amazed and overjoyed. I'm not even sure what to say, so I'll let the artist, friend of the site and distant relation Old Face Andre, describe his masterpiece:

In this work, Kathy is communicating directly with the heavens through her invisible Spangler-candle. In this rare and mysterious ritual, the powerful heavenly currents surge through her body to Earth, giving her glimpses into future weather patterns situated in and around the Denver Metro area. I chose to depict her as the statue of Liberty, both to symbolize her permanence in Denver meteorological culture and to illustrate the inalienable right to wear bermuda shorts.

Bravo, Andre. I've never been so proud to call you cousin. A brew and burger is on me at My Brother's Bar sometime this weekend. You've earned it.

The Red Coats are Coming!

2010-05-11T21:28:00.009-06:00

Well, well, well . . . look who finally came strolling in all dressed up and ready to do some forecastin'. My apologies for the chuckle toward the end of the video, but I couldn't take that tube-of-cherry-red-lipstick ensemble seriously. All I could think about was Dee Reynolds' Desert Rose persona in that episode of "It's Always Sunny" when they wrestle for the troops. That outfit is dog dick red. She looks like the Kool-Aid man's wife. Amazing.

I bet Coniglio's back in the break room stewing as we speak. He does all the heavy lifting for this storm only to have the rug swept out from beneath him at the most critical moment. I can see him sitting there with his hands on his head, a small HD-TV hung in the corner showing Kathy's back yard antics. The volume is low. He looks up at it and stares quizzically for a moment. His Italian blood boils and he stands up solemnly. He straightens his suit. Then the rage then takes hold and he overturns the break room table with a quick underhand lift. Maybe the table catches him on the shin and it just pisses him off more. His face is as red as Kathy's outfit now. He kicks the water cooler with all his might and then storms out of the building. He heads to the Skylark for Heinekens backed by shots of Jameson . . . Jimmy McNulty-style. "This was my storm," he mumbles sadly to the bartender. "This was my storm." The bartender sighs and gives him a round on the house. And hopefully Marty gets lucky.

Anyway, nothing's really changed with the forecast that Marty put together (a lot of moisture, but only a couple of inches of snow here in Denver). I went to the roof of FKS headquarters at 10:32PM to smoke a cigarette and gather some data and can report, at that time, a heavy downpour comprised of half snow and half rain. There was also lightning and thunder. It was exhilarating.

Now it's time for a bourbon and a good, long sleep. I'll check back in tomorrow. Enjoy the show.

Love,
Flip

Mass Confusion Confuses the Masses

2010-05-11T12:50:00.003-06:00

As I noted last night/early this morning, no one seems to have a clue what's going to happen:

Denver Post - Forecasters Split on Severity of Midweek Snowstorm

5280 Magazine - Snow: Is it Really on the Way?

cbs4denver.com (Zeppelin) - Snow totals will be light around 1 to 3 inches mainly on the grassy areas. If the storm happens to sink just a little further south, Denver has the potential to see one of those heavy, wet, branch-breaking snow events we can see in the springtime. We are keeping a close eye on the developing track of this storm.

9News.com (Coniglio) - Denver could see rain, snow or a rain/snow mix with not too much accumulation. Fort Collins and Loveland may see heavy snowfall.

weather.gov - SNOWFALL AMOUNTS OF 6 TO 14 INCHES ARE EXPECTED ACROSS THE LOWER ELEVATIONS OF EASTERN LARIMER AND NORTHWESTERN WELD COUNTIES INCLUDING FORT COLLINS. THE HEAVY SNOW COULD BREAK TREE LIMBS AND CAUSE POWER OUTAGES. ACROSS THE REST OF THE PLAINS INCLUDING DENVER...BOULDER...GREELEY...AND POINTS EASTWARD ACROSS THE PLAINS...MOST OF THE PRECIPITATION WILL FALL IN THE FORM OF RAIN. HOWEVER...TEMPERATURES ARE EXPECTED TO TURN COLD ENOUGH FOR SOME SNOWFALL AND POSSIBLE ACCUMULATIONS OF 1 TO 4 INCHES ON GRASSY SURFACES (ed. note - your medical marijuana grow house?) AFTER MIDNIGHT THROUGH LATE WEDNESDAY MORNING.

The last one seems the most confident, so I'll be trusting it . . . which is the same rationalization your mom uses to date that filthy lawyer.

There is No Spring

2010-05-10T23:10:00.010-06:00

Click to enlarge . . . Marty knows the size of your phallus

I think we can all agree, at this point, that there will be no spring. The calendar says we're right in the heart of it, but I disrespectfully disagree with the calendar and have angrily balled up the month of May and have thrown it against the wall. Then I uncrumbled it . . . because I have an unhealthy lust for Gemma Atkinson. What can I say . . . I'm a bit of an Anglophile.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Spring's half-assed effort in 2010 (in Colorado). Personally, I don't really give a shit that we haven't been blessed with endless days of brilliant sunshine, little wind and temperatures in the 70s. I like the cool weather because it makes me sleep like a bear. Guinness tastes better when it's cold (the weather . . . not the beer, you prick) as well. Ask Gemma up there. But I agree with everybody on the wind. As we've discussed before, wind is Satan's flatulence. Particularly this year with all that pollen and syphilis blowing in the air. It's so bad that, the other day, I found myself hunched over and sneezing wildly at a local Chipotle. Management and customers alike were horrified. I stood up with snot oozing down my face and all over my shirt. No one said a word. It was like church . . . especially with all the accusatory looks. I left and went to Illegal Pete's . . . which is what I should have done in the first place. My apologies to Pete.

On to the great May storm. It looks as though we're going to get some moisture here in Denver, but it seems to be anyone's guess on how much. Gaguilera (above, looking durrrr) thought that Low Pressure would 50/50 the Colorado/New Mexico border giving us the optimal upslope and the massive precip it always provides from this locale. Of course, said prediction is now looking iffy . . . at least according to the models. Coniglio and that bald dude from The Deuce think that the Low will head a little bit north and that will mean less moisture here and more for the north of the state. I urge the Axelrods and Ronnie Cheetahtoes to be on high alert in case these fellars are correct.

Oddly . . . Kathy is nowhere to be found during the time of our greatest need. I have no idea where she might be. Hopefully holding an imaginary candle somewhere sunny:

If any of you FKS readers are handy with Photoshop, please do something awesome with this photo.

Good luck out there the next couple of days,
Flip

PS - Speaking of The Deuce, I am hereby declaring my eternal love for Kellie MacMullan. There will be a separate post about this later . . . but I wanted the record to show that old Flip is deeply infatuated at this point.

Retroactive Guest Post - Mrs. Axelrod

2010-05-10T23:04:00.002-06:00

Lisa Hildago says a small band of snow and a couple of inches possible near Ft. Collins. Thanks to my screaming child, I have been up since 5:30am and I can say without doubt that it has been snowing since then. With a snapshot of my backyard, you may notice more than a couple of inches have fallen. With fierce determination our friend Old Man Winter hangs on for one final hurrah. Similar to Crazy Eddie's Last Hurrah, the Old Man is double fisting temperatures which are wrecking the beautiful blossoms on trees and large fluffy flakes which are parking out on my lawn.

Mrs. Axelrod originally submitted this post on April 29, 2010. Due to technical difficulties, bouts of heavy drinking and questionable life choices, it took awhile to post it. My apologies to Mrs. Axelrod and my thanks for her continued dedication to and support of FKS.

Instruments of Weather

2010-04-14T01:46:00.009-06:00

It's just so . . . awkward. I bet she's just absolutely brutal to talk to at parties. If anyone can verify this, please let me know.

I headed down to Ft. Lauderdale last week for my annual gator wrestling camp and once again was completely mesmerized by the meteorologists gracing their television screens (click to engorge):

I guess I shouldn't be surprised. It is South Florida. These gals are built for speed and hurricane parties and probably do the former at the latter. But they have to know their stuff given the life-threatening weather that can be found in America's wang from June to Thanksgiving. They are magical creatures, friends:

I bet they're awesome to talk to at those hurricane parties.

Exclamation Station

2010-03-30T22:25:00.006-06:00

"The overuse of exclamation points is the first sign of madness." -Albert Einstein

That's not a real quote, but it sounds like it could be, doesn't it? I know the liberal use of exclamation marks makes me cringe. People who use exclamation points all over their "formal writing" are guaranteed to be the same people who end every sentence on Facebook with "lol." These people are to be avoided at all costs. Unless they're really, really attractive with loose morals. Even then, take heed. I bring this up because of this:

Today's Forecast
Chief Meteorologist Kathy Sabine

Today's High: 82R° F
Tonight's Low: 43° F

Last updated: Tuesday, March 30, 2010 9:08:56 PM

Mostly sunny, windy and warm today with afternoon temperatures in the upper 70s and lower 80s downtown! A record was set for the date at DIA with 82 degrees this afternoon! Quite amazing considering last week 3 storms hit the area and this time of year the average high is 57 degrees! Enjoy! The Denver weather forecast for tonight calls for partly cloudy skies, decreasing wind and mild overnight lows in the lower 40s.

*Not implying that Sabine has loose morals!

Shit Rolls, Piss Trickles

2010-03-26T00:40:00.009-06:00

The snow was difficult and thick Tuesday night . . . like your mom . . . or the air at a Bingo parlor. There were times when I could barely see 57 yards in front of me - even with my Swiss-Swedish snow goggles on. Oh I fuckin' got 'em . . . please don't doubt that. Extreme weather data collection demands only the finest equipment:

As I mentioned in the previous post, my forthright and earnest expedition for fresh weather data devolved into a fog of bourbon and belly laughs with friends new and old. It was the right thing to do. Sure, I could've stood outside all night measuring and observing snow, but I generally prefer being inside measuring pints and observing the fairer sex. Just like Jimmy Cantore taught me.

Still, I encountered some fine sights on my travels. Behold:

These (click to enlarge - which is what I also tell the ladies) were shot at the new weather center on top of FKS headquarters. I think you'll agree when you visit, it's got real promise. It also has a BBQ grill with limitless propane.

These came on my walk home. I cut a lot of fresh tracks, which never ceases to make me feel fine. When I got back to headquarters, I stuck my forearm into the most undrifted patch of snow I could find. It came up nearly to my elbow, which I estimate to be 8.9 inches long. That's a healthy snow in just seven hours time. I have no idea if this is what our treasured local meteorologists predicted as I am without television at the current time. Regardless, I was impressed and can only hope we get a similar storm later today. It seems iffy, but it also seems possible. Just like my chances at romance.

Axelrod Grease

2010-03-24T01:24:00.004-06:00

Photo Credit: Mrs. Axelrod (presumably)
Billy Axelrod finds his happy place as Chicken Wing Storm #2 comes crashing into the foothills of Colorado. This is nature and snow measurement at its absolute pinnacle.

More photos and reaction on this second storm tomorrow. I'm absolutely bushed from a data collection expedition turned drinking session at SoBo 151. As of 1:34AM, the snow continues to fall, drift and basically do whatever the fuck it pleases. Are there dreams of a snow day dancing in Flip's head? Definitely. Am I counting on it? Nope. Otherwise I'd be really drunk.

Stay Wet,
Flip

Johnny Gnomez, FTW

2010-03-24T00:37:00.007-06:00

Before I get to the action going on tonight/tomorrow (March 23/March 24 - separate post), let me first welcome back an old friend. He's the adventurous/debaucherous cousin of the Travelocity gnome . . . ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Johnny Gnomez (/saxophone wails). I put out a call to all official FKS weather spotters/measurement experts/outlaws on Thursday night in the form of this official telegram:

AN EPIDEMIC OF SNOW IS ALMOST INEVITABLE ON THE FRONT RANGE . . . STOP . . . I AM IN URGENT NEED OF PHOTOGRAPHS, DRAWINGS OR OTHER GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF THE SNOW'S DEPTH DURING OR AT THE COMPLETION OF THE STORM . . . STOP . . . PLEASE BE SURE YOUR WHISKEY AND CIGARETTE SUPPLIES ARE AMPLE . . . STOP . . . THIS IS NOT A DRILL . . . STOP . . . THE GUILTYWILL BE PUNISHED . . . STOP

Only one heeded the call, and that was Gnomez. Good on ya, amigo. Here he/it is taking a snow bath, which is not the same as a money bath (sadly):

Turn Out the Lights, The Party's Over

2010-03-20T01:32:00.003-06:00

What can I say? It was good while it lasted. As of 1:11AM it's over. It certainly wasn't as potent as I expected, but at its height, it was impressive. Like a midget stripper. I'm calling 5.8 inches here in the city. I have no business being awake. So I'm going to bed. Good show, Mama Nature . . . but you can do better next time.

Smarch Madness

2010-03-18T23:41:00.010-06:00

Finally. We've waited damn near all winter for Mother Nature to lay down upon us and it looks as though she's finally ready to make it happen . . . starting in the next couple of hours. Women. Always making you wait just a little bit longer.

But look how excited Gaguilera is. He hasn't been doing shit for the past three months and now it's go time. He's downright giddy to tussle with this storm. God bless him. I feel the same enthusiasm. Of course, I have the day off of work tomorrow and will be spending in sitting in a bar for 12 hours drinking, eating fried foods and watching nonstop basketball (and heavy snow). I was excited to begin with. This common Wing storm (winter/spring - also known as a Chicken Wing storm around these parts) is just icing on the cake.

You know what I bet Dave's been doing during all this down time? Working on his moves:

In the spirit of fair disclosure, that video was shot back in March of Aught Seven. It looks like he's shaking a watermelon while drunk. I don't know if Amelia is still in the picture (ladies). I also can not confirm if Dave is related to Christina, but one can only hope.

But I'm getting off track. We got ourselves a gold ole fashioned winter storm warnin'. That's what's important. I've already sent out White Hot Alerts in telegram form to all veteran FKS weather/genital measurement specialists in the area, so let's hope we get some good photographic evidence of this late winter event. I don't know what more I can say, really. It's going to be awesome. If you'll recall, a similar thing happened a week short of a year ago. That storm lead to a pretty epic night for Flip in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. It also lead to a very epic snow measurement photo sent in by Ronnie Cheetahtoes:

So enjoy it, kind citizens of Denver. Use it as an excuse to not go to work and come by old Flip a few cold ones down at the bar. At the very least, use it as an excuse to leave early. You had a rough week . . . probably because of St. Patrick.

NEW FEATURE - LATE WINTER STORM RECIPES

I was talking with a friend to the blog and she was mentioning that one of her favorite things to do during big snow storms is to cook. It got me to thinking about the Crockpot and all the good shit you can cook in it. So I'll feature one of my Crockpot favorites today and will take reader submissions in the future.

Trailer Park Dip
1 to 1.75lbs. of lean, ground beef
1 to 2 lbs. of Velveeta(TM) processed "cheese"
1 to 2 cans of Rotel(TM) Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies (I prefer one Original and one Hot)

Cube up the Velveeta(TM) and toss it in the crock pot on low. Or high. It doesn't matter. While that takes the form of melted goodness, cook the beef over medium heat. Spice it up before you do. Whatever kind of good stuff you enjoy. I usually go with cayenne, cumin, onion powder a blast of paprika and some Santa Maria(TM). Drain the meat (ha!). Assuming the cheese has melted or is almost melted, splash some milk in there, give it a stir and then throw everything else (Rotel and beef) in. Give it one more stir. Grab yourself some tortilla chips and dig in. Or don't . . . it will be fine marinating in there. You've got all the time in the world. It's snowing really hard outside and you have nowhere to go.

Alright . . . good luck tomorrow. You'll need it . . . for your bracket and your commute. Here are some predictions:

Sabine 6"-12"

Weather.com 5"-7"

Egger (= boner) 4"-12" (Seriously, Crystal? Terrible)

Corey Christiansen (7News) 6"-12"

Gaguilera (News4) 6"-12"

Weather.gov 5"-12"

The Games of Video & Heartbreak

2010-02-17T23:33:00.015-07:00

Before I get to the fun stuff, a moment of silence if you would. All is not roses and reach arounds. Stacey Donaldson, a decent enough meteorologist who always gave me up slope, is being shown the door over at CBS 4. Those bastards. It is uncommon in this life to get a combination of naughty librarian and meteorologist in one tidy, attractive package. Naughty librariometeorologists are very rare in nature and News 4 should be investigated for what may or may not be a violation (or violations) of the Endangered Species Act of 1973, which states: "A species is considered endangered if it is in danger of extinction throughout all or a significant portion of its range." I don't see any other naughty librariometeorologists taking refuge in our fair city. Maybe Crystal Egger will start sporting the specs in tribute. That would be nice.

Anyway, Stacey's last day is Friday so tune her in (Tokyo) if you get a chance. She deserves a large final audience.

Now I'm just going to bombard you with weather-related videos . . . some of which I'm sure you've seen, some you may have not have. The guy in the middle two is Jim Kosek, who's exploits should be known to some of you diehard FKSheads. The last one, and most boring, is Kath's forecast for the next couple of days. I'm including it because she specifically predicts 2-4 inches and I want motion picture proof for this one. I just have a feeling.

HT B==> - - - Warmingglow

Pantomiming Dipping Your Junk in Snow

2010-01-27T23:41:00.004-07:00

I imagine you've already seen this other places, but if not, enjoy. This is the kind of perverse moxie I'm looking for in a person who "forecasts" the weather. You're only right 44 percent of the time anyway, might as well have some fun with it. His name is Pete Bouchard. He appears to work in Boston. And if I had to guess he probably has a really small dick. From his bio:

What is one thing about you most people would be surprised by?
That I'm a gearhead who loves heavy equipment. I have a commercial driver license, and I own a Ford LN9000 dump truck with a Cummins L10 engine. Wanna ride?

Anyway, we're getting our first snow since January 6 tonight. 9NEWS Meteorologist Kathy Sabine says to expect 1 to 3 inches total in Denver by midday when the storm winds down. Everyone else is saying something similar. Personally, I think we're in for a dusting at best. Sad? Sure.

Sorry for the meager amount of posting, but shit, absent a good snow storm, a freakish heat wave or Kath doing something crazy on live television, I don't have much to say right now. We'll pick things up again next month. That I can guarantee.

Stay Wet,
Flip

Portrait of a Cold Front in Video Stills

2010-01-06T23:17:00.012-07:00

If I weren't so lazy, I'd use Microsoft Paint(TM) to draw a thought bubble off to the right of Kath's head. In it, I'd either put a .gif of a monkey or a picture of myself. This is a wistful, dreamy and hopeful Kath. This is a Kath who could give two shits about artic air that's so cold it's freezing what enamel she has left on her teeth. She's dreamin', man. Thinkin' about white sandy beaches and shirtless dudes. I wouldn't be surprised if she takes a vacation soon. You heard it here first.

This is the same look I imagine someone would have if they saw a UFO floating above a pasture and using a laser to slaughter calves with incredible precision (if you haven't read this article, by the way, please do so post haste . . . if only for this quote: "Only a human or something like that can cut the ears like that." Mike Tyson?). The same look will find her face when she is told that sports anchor Drew Soicher is suspected of having an "inappropriate relationship" with Gidget, the Denver Zoo's NFL prognosticating sea lion (who is fucking terrible at predicting games, by the way).

*lowers eyes, exhales deeply and shakes head back and forth slowly*

If that's not a come hither stare, then I'm not sure what would qualify. Focused, pensive, alluring . . . if she was looking at me like this in a bar I would probably smile, blush and avert my eyes before sending her a cocktail via the barkeep - probably a Prado, because this look makes me believe Kath can handle egg whites in her cocktail. Yeesh, that sounds a little more risque than I intended. Ah well, it's a new decade. Innuendo is all the rage in the Twenty Ten . . . or so the college kids would lead me to believe.

And I would be remiss if I did not bow slightly and congratulate Kath on a job well done for her predictin' of this storm. She was spot on with the snow forecast (2-4, shitbirds) and the rapidly dropping mercury. Sure, the winds weren't quite as strong as she had hoped, but I won't hold that against her. Nobody likes the wind. It is Satan's farts.

Impromptu Game of Bumper Cars

2010-01-06T17:12:00.005-07:00

I have no idea what's going on here at Alameda & University, but it appears a tad chaotic. Cars seem poised to go in every direction . . . even into the path of other cars. This shot came in at 4:56PM.

If this doesn't make your stomach churn, you have no soul. Or you have an iron stomach.

More later . . . including (hopefully) a look at the 70's gear Kathy's wearing today. It will take your breath away and make you want to dance. Get home safe if you can. If not, go for maximum damage.

100 Percent Chance of Love Followed by a 50 Percent Chance of Divorce

2010-01-02T12:54:00.004-07:00

Congratulations you crazy kids. That's the Weather Channel's Kim Perez, by the way. If you had a crush on her then I'm sorry to break this news. And will proposing on live television become a new fad in the new decade? I hope so. Anything's better than the Jumbotron proposal.

Crust Stations

2009-12-29T23:54:00.019-07:00

This bad ass weather data collection station/monument to science and technology is located on the Mesa/Delta County lines on Highway 50 in Western Colorado. I stopped the Flipmobile right in the sight line of the middle camera angle . . .

for a good 14 minutes hoping that my image would appear on cotrip.org, which is, all in all, one heck of a fine website. Not only that, but friend/consultant to FKS Sammy Soda was on standby to capture the image permanently via the "print screen" button on his keyboard. Alas, it was not to be.

It's my fault. I was anxious to get back on the road as I had to meet with my chief mountain weather spotter (which is what I'd want my Native American chief name to be) in Vail for beers and intensive discussion regarding the chances of various football teams around the country . . . as well as the snow conditions on Vail mountain (which I'm told are marginal). But as I drove off I thought about how weird it was that this weather station sits at the top of a hill in an otherwise barren and dusty landscape in what many call The Stinking Desert. I'm amazed that it even works given the climate. I am fascinated by its very existence. But I'm glad it's there. I give a tip of the cap to CDOT for keeping an eye on oft-forgotten Western Colorado.

But then I also thought that not so long ago, there were probably people wandering around the very same spot trying to figure out what to kill for their next meal. People who lived off the land and were in tune with nature . . . because they had to be. Those folks would have made killer meteorologists. Experience, familiarity and true necessity beats a computer model like a rented mule any day of the week in my opinion. Sabine wouldn't have lasted a night.

So the dream to have my image captured on a Department of Transportation traffic camera and also get a screen shot of said picture remains just that. But after seeing the work of FKS reader and roving weather spotter Johnny Gnomez, I think you'll agree that nothing is impossible . . . if you try. You'll recall that a month and a half ago, I issued a challenge and promised booze or Mexican food or both if one of you got a photo of lascivious behavior involving the city's new official weather monitoring station. Well, we've got our first entry. Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . don't get too excited and just scroll down the page to look at the photos . . . they are (sadly) safe for work. But that definitely doesn't diminish their sheer excellence. Have a look:

Presumably before his first full body scan at airport security

Mr. Gnomez describes this photo as the spot where the official Denver weather station stood for the past 15 years (much to my chagrin). And I think I should disclose that he sent this picture to me well before that fellow tried to activate his testicle bomb on the plane from Amsterdam to Detroit the other day. I'm fairly certain that if you go out to DIA tomorrow and snap photos of a garden gnome (who is raising his glass and sitting on a barrel of what I presume is whiskey) with the mighty blue mustang, you're going to quickly find yourself on the wrong end of some strenuous questioning by serious people wearing mostly black. Timing is everything.

Here she is . . . in all her glory. *Sniffs air* Smells like new weather station! This beauty, says Mr. Gnomez, is in the middle of City Park Golf Course near hole number 12 - just south of Adams & 26th. Wait a second. They spend all this dough on a fancy new official weather monitoring station and then stick it smack dab in the middle of a municipal golf course? That is a recipe for disaster. Some serious drinking followed by the desire to destroy things is generally what occurs on muni courses. I should know. I think it stems from the frustration of the slow pace of play, but I always like to blame my poor golf game, temper and alcoholism on outside factors and not myself.

That's neither here nor there. People are definitely going to hit golf balls at the weather station and I find that both worrisome and amusing. I'm also wondering if I'm going to be able to resist the urge to dent this beautiful piece of machinery the next time I'm out there. I'll let you know how it goes when the snow clears.

And here is the coup de grace. Go ahead and check out the last of those bulleted points . . . just to the right of the boozing garden gnome's left shin. That's right, it's Mike "The Tornado Dance" Nelson. He is the sole meteorologist being thanked for his support of this new weather station. This means the ban of Channel 7 (aka denverchannel.com) is officially off. Mike cares about us, dammit, and he's the only one. Apparently Kathy, whom I'm pretty sure took the chief meteorologist job from Mr. Nelson at 9News, didn't really care about having an official weather station closer to town. For shame.

But let's not dwell on the negative. Let's congratulate Mike for his incredible foresight and passion . . . and for his magical "Tornado Dance":

Mike Nelson's Torndao Dance

Char | MySpace Video

And I would also like to take a moment to thank Johnny Gnomez for an incredible effort. You went above, beyond and to DIA to capture the entire weather station saga. I am completely stunned by your dedication to the cause. You're carrying a lot of good karma with you into 2010, and that's never a bad thing. Bravo, sir.

Happy New Year to you all. I hope 2010 takes you into her bosom and nurtures you completely. I also hope that there are a lot of big storms.

Raising my glass of cheap champagne,
Flip

A Peek Over Them Hills

2009-12-22T23:51:00.008-07:00

I've always enjoyed the line in Jimmy Buffett's song "Incommunicado" that goes: On the day that John Wayne died/I found myself on the Continental Divide . . . Tell me where do I go from here/Guess I'll ride into Leadville and have a few beers. I have been hoping for many years now that a celebrity I respect dies on a day when I happen to be traversing America's rugged divider and that I could head in to Leadville and have a few beers in their honor. Alas, I've had no such luck.

Today was no exception . . . at least that I'm aware of. I guess I could've gone into Leadville and reflected on all that Brittany Murphy gave to us, but that probably wouldn't have taken longer than a shot of Jagermeister.

But Kim Peek is a completely different story. That's a fellow whom one could probably sit at a bar and reflect upon until one could no longer operate a motor vehicle. The dude knew every zip code in the country yet couldn't even dress himself. If you told him the date you were born, he could tell you what day of the week it was and possibly the last meal your mom ate before she delivered you into this wacky, spinning ball we call earth. They say there is no one like him in recorded history. That means Jesus didn't even have his skills. Think about that come Friday.

Anyway . . . supposedly there is a snow storm rolling it's way into Denver at this moment. I wouldn't know as I am 280 miles away. Where I am it is foggy and cold . . . like a good stein of beer. But from the looks of things, some inclement weather is indeed hitting the Mile High:

I'm not going to do a full throttle rundown of all the predictions, because they seem to be all over the place. Last I saw 9News was only committing to 1-3 inches by Wednesday afternoon and 4-8 total. Channel 4 was a little more optimistic with a 5-10 inch forecast by the time things are all said and done . . . which should be about the time Wapner comes on Thursday.

Travel safe you crazy bastards.

Love Always,
Flip

Negative 565 Degrees (Fahrenheit I Assume)

2009-12-09T23:42:00.008-07:00

So . . . just how cold was it over the past couple of days? Well, according to 9News, as cold as the surface of Mars. Negative 565 degrees as of Wednesday morning (click the image for a better view):

Backstreet's Back

2009-12-07T23:41:00.011-07:00

Where are your fucking gloves, Libby? But yes, the ring is very nice.

My weather blogging is coming under fire from critics far and wide . . . and rightly so. Somehow I failed to notice that local meteorological icon Nick "The Occluded Front" Carter ended up moving over to Fox. This happened in June! If you recall, Captain Carter was unceremoniously dropped, like hot puke off a rest stop toilet (*plagiarizing Jeff Johnson*), from 9News back in January for monetary reasons. I thought then, and still do now, that Altieri had something to do with it. But I can't prove that . . . yet. Regardless, Carter is a seasoned veteran and and a good pick-up for Fox . . . at least according to the comments left on a story announcing his switch:

Nice to hear that Nick Carter is back – pilots are great weather forecasters. Nick’s sense of humor has been missed since Channel 9 made the big mistake of letting him go!

Comment by Jen J October 14, 2009 @ 3:19 pm

So glad to see more of Nick Carter on Fox31 weather. He’s one of the best Denver has ever had. Channel 9 made a big mistake letting him go. I hope he stays in Denver the rest of his career.

Comment by Evergreen Grandma October 8, 2009 @ 12:57 pm

In Scottsbluff, NE we get two Denver channels on our cable. I watch #2 because of Nick Carter. He is the best weatherman and I like his calmness in bad weather situations.

Comment by E J October 28, 2009 @ 5:47 am

Hey what happened between Nick Carter and the anchor on last nights broadcast, he didnt know that camera’s were back on and he told Nick Carter he didnt have a future??????

Comment by Ted S December 7, 2009 @ 9:05 am

I think it's clear that Nick is well regarded amongst the elderly, Nebraskans and pilots. And if you stop and think about it for a second, you'll realize that these are the folks most respected in the meteorological community. Why? Because pilots have to understand the weather so they don't kill themselves; Nebraskans who are up at 5:30AM probably farm and greatly depend on weather forecasts; and old people have been around long enough to know who's full of shit and who knows their weather. If I was Nick, I'd be pumped. I'll admit I have a soft spot in my otherwise cold, black heart for Nick. He seems earnest and steady, like the music of Ryan Bingham. And I think his fat man's hat is good shit.

But what about his forecast? Well, like everybody else, he said it's going to be as frosty as Tiger's marriage today. He also said to expect some heavier snow between 1 and 4 in the morning. I just had a look (1:30AM) and can confirm that is snowing, albeit lightly. It's also eight degrees, breezy and painful out there.

I would be remiss if I didn't take a moment and give a Mile High Salute to the Barrel Man (aka Tim McKernan), who sadly passed on to the great unknown Saturday. He was the president de facto of Broncos Country and will be sorely missed. He was awesome in so many ways . . . this being one of them:

And if you're going to the Broncos game on Sunday the 20th, see if you can't get yourself a barrel to wear in tribute.

Roll out the barrels . . . we'll have a barrel of fun,
Flip

Scary Cold

2009-12-02T22:38:00.005-07:00

Kath feigns amazement in her snow attracting outfit

Wow . . . my video capture equipment is down so this is all I can share from tonight's forecast by the Matron Saint. It was bizarre to say the least. Not so much the actual forecast - she's pretty robotic when it comes to reading teleprompters and pointing at maps - it was the playful banter with the anchors that was creepy. The photo above was taken right after she said, "Hey, it's still fall." Then she held that odd grin for a few seconds while Adele Arakawa made mention of looking forward to the 20s. Then Kath started giggling and saying something about how weird it was that Adele would say that before blurting out, "Fall in Colorado!"

I'm not doing a good job of describing the interaction, but believe me, it was strange. It reminded me of a party I attended a few weeks ago. This gal was virtually passed out in the host's bed due to, apparently, too many shots. All of the sudden, she sprung to life and ran into the living room where she performed an incredibly detailed (and sexy) dance routine involving a chair and the late Michael Jackson's music. To the complete shock of everyone in the room, she absolutely nailed it. When the song ended, she bowed and then staggered back into the bedroom and passed out (and yes, I left her alone . . . get your minds out of the gutter). That's essentially what this forecast was like.

Anyway, Sabine said there's going to be a dusting to an inch of snow in the early morning hours which should make for another awesome commute. I can't wait. Also, the temperature should top out in the mid teens. Be thankful you're not homeless.

Early AM Report

2009-12-02T00:58:00.003-07:00

It's rough out there. I just made an in-person weather observation from the spotter's tower on the grounds of temporary FKS headquarters and can confirm that it is indeed wicked . . . strong winds, stinging snow and some awfully cold air. Is it as cold as a witch's tit? I don't think so. Not yet. But we're definitely headed in that direction. Be prepared, Old Man Winter's going to try and kick you in the teeth when you walk out that door tomorrow. Take the necessary precautions. Or don't. I really don't care either way. But good luck to you.

- Flip

A Cold Blast For Dat Ass

2009-12-01T14:41:00.009-07:00

Here's 124-pound Ashton Altieri doing his best to hold up the "E" in Denver

What's up, chuckleheads? Have you been enjoying this run of sensuous sunshine and air temperatures that are consistently warmer than an Orangutan's armpit? I hope you made the most of it, because Old Man Winter's making a run down from Canada in a rusty 1974 Chevy C10 and should be arriving any minute. He'll be wearing head-to-toe denim and he's got a payload full of ball-shrinking and nipple-erecting cold air. He's also drunk and smells like your underwear after a three day camping trip. Get him inside quick . . . before the neighbors see.

Altieri said last night to expect three inches (of snow) here in Denver. Coniglio has tweaked that slightly today saying 1-3 tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow.

Stacey Donaldson, whom I'm falling deeply in love with, is a little more pessimistic, claiming that we're only going to see a couple of inches, tops. It's like she made that forecast by looking down my pants.

Dave Fraser, like Tiger Woods, is not getting into specifics and is saying 2-4 inches across "The Foothills, Front Range and Eastern Plains." That sounds like a country song. Cheetahtoes . . . get on it.

Weather.com says 1-3 inches tonight and then perhaps 1-2 during the day tomorrow . . . which is exactly what Coniglio said. Plagiarism is all the rage these days I guess. But who ripped off whom?

Tony Laubach over at Channel 7, whose title says he's a weather producer/storm chaser, pens a pretty decent forecast. For the most part, it's detailed yet concise. However, he uses exclamation points at the same rate as a 16-year-old girl, which is kind of weird. He also has a pretty bad ass weather blog. But before we get too smitten with this fellow, I should note that not only is he a Redskins fan, but he's quite obviously a Broncos hater. To wit, here's what he said after attending the Broncos/Redskins game a few weeks ago: "But the best part of the win w as to return home to Denver and enjoy the happiness in everyone’s misery AND to watch a bunch of over-confident Broncos fans eat a ton of crow."

Well, I'm all for supporting your team and talking a little shit, but this is too much. This asshole presumably lives and works in our fine town and is just way too enthusiastic about the misery of its citizens caused by a team owned by a fascist dickweed. His vitriol will not stand, man. I encourage all seven of my readers to hereby boycott Channel 7 (aka thedenverchannel.com) and tell everyone you know to do the same. And if you see this guy out on the streets, go ahead and fart on him. Here's what he looks like (warning: it's not pretty):

Get out of Broncos Country, sir - your kind is not wanted here.

I Got Your Measurement Right Here (chops at crotch)

2009-11-20T00:59:00.004-07:00

Sorry about the lack of follow-up on the last snowstorm. I went to a house-warming party Saturday night and enjoyed myself. The cab ride home was heavy on talk about soccer and surprisingly light on fear for my own life considering my cab driver was from Africa and has only been in this country for seven months (and no snow storms). I mistakenly gave him two 20s for a 13 dollar fare. He gave me three dollars change . . . probably not by mistake.

I don't know . . . the storm was pretty awesome, but what can I say? None of the forecasters were really wrong, but that's not difficult when you're predicting 6-12 inches of snow. You give yourself six inches, you'll take a mile or a prostitution rap . . . right? Is that gross? I don't know. I measured precisely 8.12 inches of snow outside of the new and improved FKS Laboratory just southeast of Denver University. I used individual packages of stringed cheese (or should it be string cheese?) to measure. Times are rough. Anyway, here's the only photo I shot:

The Main Event

2009-11-14T10:28:00.006-07:00

So there you go . . . whip up a batch of chili, put on your Snuggie(TM) and sip your whiskey, we got ourselves a nice little snow event headed our way.

Speaking of snow, Altieri was dead wrong on his forecast last night, but now there's no way I can prove it because 9News changed the link in the below post to today's forecast. Those sneaky bastards! I guess I'm going to have to start doing screen shots for Altieri's predictions because it seems obvious that someone over there is trying to protect him. Why? I have no idea. We'll have to explore some theories at a later date.

But I do have a new hero. His name is Kirby Kuklenski and owns an Ace Hardware store here in Denver. This is what Mr. Kuklenski said that made me respect him so:

"I do not think people put that much stock in the weatherman."

Amen, brother.

Round Two? Spooky Friday the 13th Predictions and a New Weather Station

2009-11-13T14:09:00.012-07:00

Thursday, October 29, 2009 - Historic Lower Downtown Denver, Colorado

Something's going on . . . but I'm not sure anybody quite knows what it is. As I write this at 4:46PM MST (12:46AM CET), a wintery mix is falling at a nice pace. I just took to the streets to do some observation but it was cold, so I opted for a hot, relaxing steam over at the local health club. Now I want a beer. And a gal to cozy up with.

Anyway, I'm not sure anyone really knows how much it's going to snow, but here are some of the predictions from the folks you know and love:

9News . . . Altieri, who may or may not dress up in a Peter Pan outfit and prance about Civic Center Park every Friday the 13th, is calling for four inches of snow tonight (Friday) and then a break followed by 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. He's very non-commital, however . . . just like your girlfriend.

National Weather Service via Denver Post - They're saying it's a Winter Storm Watch, with between 6-12 inches expected by Sunday (most of it falling Saturday afternoon through Sunday). They're really not saying anything about tonight, probably because they're lazy. I respect that. And someone really should come up with or buy me a winter storm watch for my wrist. That would make me pretty god damned happy. Maybe it can be part of the infamous Jim Cantore line of products.

News4 . . . Stacey Donaldson, whose liberal use of librarian spectacles always leads to high pressure systems developing in my pants, directly contradicts Altieri's prediction of four inches tonight by saying there will be no accumulation. Oooooooh . . . a cat fight. (*spitting, hissing sounds*).

Fox31 . . . Dave Fraser, a meteoroligst I'm totally unfamiliar with since I don't think I've ever seen him on television, splits Altieri and Donaldson right down the middle (he wishes). He's calling for 1-4 inches tonight, mainly on your grassy areas . . . and then 6-12 for round two tomorrow night into Sunday.

7News . . . Boring. No attribution, little to no accumulation tonight and the standard issue 6-12 tomorrow night into Sunday. Very disappointing.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I did not take a moment to feel vindicated. My main man Gaguilera reports that people finally pulled their heads out of their asses and built another official weather monitoring station closer to Denver. If you recall, all official weather measurements since 1995 have been taken at Denver International Airport, 20-some miles from the city center. If you also recall, I was outraged by this:

That is complete and utter bullshit in my humble estimation. How does such a thing make sense? Especially with all measurements before 1995 occurring a scant seven miles from the city (at the old Stapleton airport)? Our climatology records are going to be more twisted than the psychological records of Jon & Kate's eight kids in 30 years. There's no continuity and that just can't be a good thing. Studying the climate is all based on static measurements - not switching the location by 20 miles every so often. Damn it!

Color me excited. I hope to get some video up of me pelvic thrusting this new machine soon. In the meantime, if any of you very attractive FKS weather spotters happen to be over by City Park golf course, try to get a picture of this device . . . I'm not too satisfied with the one in the
story:

Better yet, take a picture of you doing something lewd/awesome with the machine and get it to me for publication. There will be a prize for the best photo taken. That prize will likely be either Mexican food or booze or both.

OK . . . stay safe, warm and wet this weekend and if you FKS weather spotters can put down the bottle for 10 minutes, let's try and get some measurement photos, OK? OK.

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Somebody Light a Match

2009-10-29T22:47:00.010-06:00

It's been snowing for 52 consecutive hours at this point in time. Fifty two hours. I'm pretty sure that both papal conclaves and wars have transpired in less time. Fifty two hours is how long it took Maurice Garin to win the Paris-Brest-Paris bike race back in 1901. Two years later he won the first Tour de France. In 1904, he won again but was stripped of the title after being accused of cheating. Some things never change. But holy shit was cycling awesome back then. Listen to this:

A bunch of fanatics wielded sticks and shouted insults, setting on the other riders: Maurice and César Garin got a succession of blows, the older brother [Maurice] was hit in the face with a stone. Soon there was general mayhem: "Up with Faure! Down with Garin! Kill them!" they were shouting. Finally cars arrived and the riders could get going thanks to pistol shots. The aggressors disappeared into the night.

Misbehaviour was rife too between riders and nine were thrown out during the race for, among other things, riding in or being pulled by cars . . . Stories spread of riders spreading tacks on the road to delay rivals with punctures, of riders being poisoned by each other or by rival fans. Lucien Petit-Breton said he complained to an official that he had seen a rival hanging on to a motorcycle, only to have the cheating rider pull out a revolver.

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't miss a tenth of a second of the Tour de France if this kind of thing was still going on. That's the kind of cheating I can get behind . . . good old fashioned tacks to the tires and beatings from the crowd. That's much more respectable than abusing testosterone or blood doping. They don't gain advantages like they used to (*lazily wags finger . . . pokes you in the chest*).

You know who still delivers like he always has? Ronnie F'in Cheetahtoes, that's who. Take a look at this, sir:

I think we can all agree that a totem pole of Modelo cans in a cross section of snow really tells the story of this storm in a very compelling way. This should be the official unit of measurement going forward for all meteorologists. Forget arbitrary measurement terms like "inches" and "feet," tell us how much snow we're going to get in Modelo cans. That's the kind of thing that will always resonate with us common folk, regardless of our origin. You are a visionary, Mr. Cheetahtoes.

And hey, if booze isn't your thing and you would prefer a measurement alternative, Mr. Cheetahtoes has you covered:

As always, Ronnie, well played. Needless to say, this effort has shot you right to the top of the FKS MVWS (Most Valuable Weather Spotter) watch list for the 2009-2010 season. Your move to Johnstown has done nothing to alter your dedication to the cause and we here at FKS can not thank you enough.

And the ceramic French debutantes really tied this post together, did they not?

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Mid Movement - It's Going to be Big

2009-10-28T23:46:00.008-06:00

Yeesh . . . it's getting grim out there. We're at, by my humble estimation, hour 29 of this storm and it is showing no sign of slowing down. It is large, it is persistent and it is slow . . . kind of like your mother-in-law. I just took an official FKS measurement (12:45AM MST) and we're sitting at a cool foot here at headquarters. I would also venture to say that it's snowing as hard or harder than any point during the day. It's impressive. I don't know what else to tell you. I can only offer these crude photographs to better illustrate the story:

This photo was taken at about 9:14AM as I left for my "real" job. As you can plainly see, the mountains are hidden, but presumably still blue, meaning that the beer is still ready to drink.

This one was shot at roughly 10:32PM. I had to add a second bottle of CL as the first one had completely disappeared. And I must hereby apologize for the rudimentary photos, but I'm relying solely on a cell phone camera as all my other equipment has been moved to the new and improved FKS headquarters somewhere near Denver University.

And I didn't watch much of the local "forecasters" doing their "forecasting" tonight even though I should have. But, dammit, both the Avs and Nuggets were playing and I found those contests a little more appealing than Sabine vs. Mother Nature. I know it's wrong, and I feel mildly ashamed, but I ask for your forgiveness and understanding. I'm only human. Bottom line: they all say it's going to keep snowing and I believe them. I'm also very tired. More tomorrow. But I'll leave you with a fuzzy shot of Kathy right after she said "I can't stop swallowing snow." It's not much, but it's something.

Anyway, we'll see you back here tomorrow. I've been promised some stirring measurement photos from Ronnie Cheetahtoes and Billy Axelrod. They generally deliver, so I think it will be worth your time to check back in. Until then, here's hoping your office doesn't open.

-Flipper

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? Something's Happening

2009-10-28T00:13:00.008-06:00

Time Stamp: 11:37Pm - 10/27/09

As you can almost see, the mountains remain blue even after this delicious bottle of Coors Light(TM), which was brewed with water from a crisp mountain spring, sat outside for approximately 2.5 hours. This obviously means that the air temperature is cold enough and the moisture content high enough to deliver some icy dandriff to the Mile High City. It also means someone didn't finish their beer. Normally I would frown upon that, but I think this will prove to be a good measuring stick for this snow storm.

But that's neither here nor there. The trivia team finished second and earned 20 SoBro bucks which, as of right now, is trading at 1.21 against the dollar. You can buy a lot of guláš for 20 Sobro bucks, so it was a good evening. There were no weather-related questions.

That doesn't mean the weather didn't play a factor, however. There was much rumbling in this hockey bar when the heavy precipitation knocked out the satellite feed of the Avs 3-0 victory over the Edmonton Oilers. It made me think that any sports bar worth its salt better have at least one cable feed.

Anyway, it's snowing. And the intensity only seems to be . . . intensifying. It's a good thing we have a battery of meteorologists ready to tell us how much of this snow we will see. Let's run down the prediction list, shall we?

9News - In all, the Denver area, especially the west and south sides of town, could see 8 to 14 inches of snow. Foothills locations, including Estes Park out to the Continental Divide, could see 10 to 18 inches of snow by Thursday afternoon.

News 4 - In Colorado, 8 to 14 inches is forecast for the Front Range and 5 to 10 inches in the Denver area. Up to 2 feet is possible in the northern Colorado Front Range foothills and the Laramie Range in southeast Wyoming. (Ed. Note - the entire text of this story/prediction is very Wyoming-centric. Ask yourself: Why is Ed Greene focusing so intently on Wyoming? Once you get the answer, let me know.)

Channel 7 - Mike Nelson gives the grim news . . . Your Wednesday morning commute should be slow, but manageable, but Wednesday night's commute and Thursday morning's commute could get ugly.It looks like accumulations could be in the 6 to 12 inch range for the metro area, with 12-24 inches possible in the foothills and higher elevations along the Front Range. (Ed. Note - Mike Nelson loves a wide birth - he gives himself so much room for error that this shouldn't even count as a prediction.)

Fox 31 - The Front Range and northern I-25 corridor is expected to receive 6 -12" of snow by Thursday afternoon. Denver's south and west suburbs, including Highlands Ranch, Parker and Castle Rock, along with the western foothills, can expect 10 - 20".

Time stamp: 12:48AM - 10/28/09

Weather.gov - Wednesday: Snow and areas of blowing snow. The snow could be heavy at times. High near 30. North northwest wind between 11 and 15 mph. Chance of precipitation is 90%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible. Wednesday Night: Snow and areas of blowing snow. Low around 23. North northwest wind between 8 and 13 mph. Chance of precipitation is 80%. New snow accumulation of 4 to 8 inches possible.

Weather.com - Cloudy with snow. Cold. Temps nearly steady in the low to mid 30s. Winds N at 10 to 20 mph. Snow accumulating 4 to 6 inches.

Unlike a septum, no one's really deviating. Check back tomorrow to see how close these sissies are. The Coors Light bottle will not lie. Good night and good snow.

Old Man Winter Takes An Early Dump? He's Currently Sitting on the Can.

2009-10-27T19:09:00.003-06:00

Alright, alright, alright . . . things are looking good. The excitement and thirst for dark beer is palpable. A steady rain has already begun to fall, the wind is howling, and the dew point is moist. It's all pointing toward a glorious event. At least I hope. Mainly because I'd like the day off of work. Anyway, I have a game of bar trivia to attend, so I'll update all forecasts later tonight. Possible trivia team names include: The Donkey Show, Sabine's Savants or Pumpkins and Blumpkins. And if you want to buy old Flip a beer, you can do so by venturing over to SoBro 151. There will also be hockey.

Old Man Winter Takes an Early Dump?

2009-10-27T14:02:00.002-06:00

Uh oh . . . time to signal a white alert to all FKS weather spotters (*holds bottle of bourbon high in the air*). Get your supplies together before midnight, because we got ourselves a good ole' fashioned early WINTER STORM WARNING on our hands. More to come later.

Gaguilera Calls His Shot

2009-10-25T01:39:00.003-06:00

Snow, you bastards. SNOW! Pucker your butts, dig out your finest North Face(TM) gear and prepare to head to your local Pho establishment. Gaguilera is predicting the worst . . . and he's doing it by writing the way he talks. I don't have the skill or the mental capacity (I drank an excessive amount of infused vodka tonight at Красная площадь . . . which means Red Square for all of you non Russians), but I'm going to try and break down Gaguilera's forecast in an FJM manner. It's my first time, so be gentle:

A cold front will swing through the state Saturday night into Sunday and it looks like it will be a snow-maker for the Front Range.

Fair enough . . . I'm always down for some moisture. I wish it wasn't occurring on the day I planned on moving, but shit, that's the way ball bounces sometimes, eh?

At this point here is the weather scenario.

That was a sentence . . . no foolin' (or colon). It sounds better if you read it in a robot voice.

Rain mixed with snow develops overnight Saturday into Sunday.

Boom. There it is. And he's right. As of 1:54AM Sunday, it is raining. But will it switch to snow like you switched from beer to liquor tonight?

By Sunday morning some higher areas like Castle Rock over to Elizabeth down to Monument Hill, may have 1 to 2 inches on the ground.

The comma after "Hill" strikes me as odd. No pause is necessary . . . even if you're talking out loud, right?

There will be little to no accumulation in the Denver metro area.

Good to hear . . . although I imagine it's going to be muddy/leafy. That's always a pain in the ass when you're moving. I hope all of you who plan on sitting on your couches all day eating wings, drinking beer and enjoying professional football do not take for granted how good you have it.

During the day on Sunday colder air and more moisture will push over the Front Range giving the area a better chance for accumulating snow.

Duly noted.

Between 6 p.m. and 11 p.m. here is what I am expecting around the area.

Again, this is a sentence that a person who works in the media wrote . . . verbatim. Now, I'm not saying that the weather folk are journalists, because that's unfair. They're pseudo-scientists at their very best and terrible psychics at their worst. But you'd think Gaguilera would have an editor to review his work before it hits the web and add the punctuation necessary for a proper forecast. Anyway, on to what he expects in this five hour window tonight:

In metro Denver and Boulder up to around 6,000 feet there may be 2 to 5 inches of snow.

From 5,280 feet to 6,000 feet there might be between two and five inches of snow between six and eleven in the evening. Mark it, dude.

Above 6,000 feet into the foothills, along the Palmer Divide and into Jefferson and Park Counties there could be 3 to 7 inches of snow by 11 pm Sunday night.

Way to, finish strong Dave.

I'm too tired/lazy/drunk to look up any other forecasts, so I'll trust you to do that on your own.

***********************************************************************************

UPDATE: There was no snow. Gaguilera immediately goes to the bottom of the forthcoming "Denver Meteorologist Power Rankings Presented by Blizzak(TM)"

A Chip Off the Old Rocktober

2009-10-07T21:29:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone. How in the hell are you? Well I hope. I mean that. I know I've been gone awhile and, shucks, I think you can plainly see what I've been up to: making time with my best gal Kath and showing her my acclaimed baby arm.

Mmmm . . . what a beautiful summer day that was. We had ourselves a little picnic on the banks of a stream that feeds the mighty Cache La Poudre River or, more simply, the Poudre la Cache. What do you think Kath likes at a picnic? Go on, guess? Cheese and crackers and a cheap bottle of champagne you say? I wish. No sir, Kath is a refined woman who prefers foie gras with grilled asparagus accompanied by a 1986 Chteau Mouton Rothschild Pauillic and some Vivaldi. Class, ladies & gents. Pure class. And expensive.

Anyway, a photographer happened by during our playful time in the meadow and demanded a photograph of such a beautiful, powerful couple. Obviously we obliged. And I think you will agree that it is a striking image. But will this magical summer of exploration and butterfly kisses translate into a warm autumn/winter/early spring relationship between myself and the auburn-haired purveyor of red umbrellas? Only time will tell, gentle reader.

I should mention that she and her posse are predicting a little of the white stuff around here starting a few hours from now and maybe reappearing on Sunday. The way they make it sound, it won't be anything serious. Go ahead and keep doing what you planned on doing. This "storm" seems to be the equivalent of the 9News Weather Team's(TM) preseason intrasquad scrimmage. I hope nobody pulls a hammy.

Bottom line, it's going to be a tad chilly around these parts for the next few days. If you should run into me at either of the games this weekend, buy me a hot chocolate, won't you? And put some peppermint schnapps in there, OK? Four big globs.

Sleepless in Seattle

2009-07-29T19:05:00.003-06:00

At 7:05PM MDT on Wednesday, July the 29th, aught nine, it is 101 degrees in Seattle, Washington. It is 55 degrees in Denver, Colorado . . . and raining. Sweet fucking Sasquatch that's weird to me. So is your mom.

How come "Harry and the Hendersons" never gets any play on the tee vee anymore? Couldn't TBS or TNT run it on a Saturday afternoon for my amusement? That was a damn fine film. Some of Lithgow's best work. But the real story is Kevin Peter Hall, the dude that played Harry in the film. He also played the Predator in both Predator 1 and 2. That, my friends, is an awesome film career. But Jesus, what a way to go:

He was in a major car accident in Los Angeles. During surgery for his critical wounds, he received a contaminated blood transfusion. He died shortly thereafter of AIDS.

Whelp, have a good night. And if you don't, just think of those poor bastards in the Pacific Northwest who have no air conditioning and the constant threat of Sasquatch on their minds.

And The Award For Most Valuable Weather Spotter(s) Goes To . . .

2009-03-27T23:10:00.014-06:00

No surprise here, it's Billy Axelrod and Ronnie Cheetahtoes. Both men will receive the highly coveted UFO Umbrella Caps in honor of their bravery, courage and creativity under extreme meteorological duress:
But their heroism pales in comparison to the manimal Ronnie Cheetahtoes used in his official snow measurement photo:

I do not know this individual, whom I will call the Abominable Snow Ostrich until I get a real alias, but I salute him for risking hypothermia, pneumonia and severe head rush for the FKS cause. The bourbon's on me next time I'm up north, pal. Not the cheap shit either, only the best for the man who created the single greatest snow measurement photo of all time. Brav-fuckin-o, sir. Brav-fucking-o.

God that's awesome. You're not going to see this kind of effort and intensity out of any of the National Weather Service's weather spotters, I'll tell you that much. Those pansies march around in expensive snow suits with their fancy metal poles and then, when they're done measuring, they run back inside to drink hot chocolate and pee sitting down. Not FKS weatherspotters. They are made of molten steel and dull razor blades.

Anyway, Mr. Cheetahtoes official measurement somewhere on 1st Ave. in Greeley was 8.5 inches of snow.

Mr. Cheetahtoes's colleague and fellow LPGA fan Billy Axelrod also got busy with the measuring and sent in the following report:

"Based upon my previous experience in meteorological data collection I have provided to FKS the following photos: A picture of a corporate cafeteria plastic lunch fork generally used to stir up the wretched 3-day old pasta that consumes the office microwave and then spreads throughout the office slowly. It is then that this dolt of a human being sits down directly across from my personal space and eats this filth where it then leaks out of his pores and will forever stick to the fabric that lines my cubicle. Having said that I used the fork to show the shear power of this storm and what accumulation in CO should look like.

"The other photo is a measurement using a standard made in America Westcott ruler. Westcott has been making these little bad boys since 1872. Sham-on. My official FKS measurement at 3801 Automation Way in Ft. Collins, CO is 8 1/16 inches."

I don't think any more needs to be said. Top notch data collection, sir. You are a true professional and don't let anyone tell you different. If they do, give them a roundhouse kick.

I also took a few photos of the storm, but they are not nearly as amusing as the above. However, since I went to great lengths to secure batteries for my camera, I'm going to humor myself and put them up:

This one is important because it was taken with my cell phone. Shortly after this was shot, my phone suffered what appears to be a fatal error after getting too much moisture from these streaking snowflakes. The only way I can get it to work at this point is by jamming tin foil into where the charger plugs in. Doing this makes it look like my phone's taking a shit.

After a long, tough day of weather observation, nothing smooths you out quite like a freshly poured Guinness. Unfortunately, I was not able to get any official measurements in the city as the constant and substantial wind prevented finding a spot that wasn't tainted by drifting. If I had to guess, I would estimate 9 7/16th inches fell in Historic Lower Downtown Denver. But if "official" numbers excite you, head on over to the NWS site . . . they got some fresh, hot data to pour over.

Thanks again to Mr. Cheetahtoes, Mr. Axelrod and Mr. Abominable Snow Ostrich for participation in documenting The Tides of Smarch. Mission Accomplished!

Map Fondling 101

2009-03-26T00:13:00.006-06:00

You're seeing that right . . . Kath's fingering (or giving the finger to?) Denver and she's not using lube. She doesn't need it, for Denver's about to wet itself. Predictions are all over the map (as you'll see below), but I think it's safe to say we're in for a substantial bit of snow. This is sorely needed. It is Mother Nature's bailout and unlike posturing Republican politicians, we will accept all that she has to offer. We are a city, nay . . . half a state, that is starving for fluffy white powder. We will roll up our twenty dollar bills and ingest it en masse. We will frolick in it, make angels of it and build men with it. We will take to the streets and drink heavily, betting foolishly on a Friday off from our menial jobs. We will pump our fists and smile.

My theory is that the amount of snow this storm drops will be directly proportional to how quickly our national economy recovers. Much like the drying up of our financial system, Denver has been virtually moisture free since October. This is probably not a coincidence as we all know that the Mile High City is not only the geographical center point of the nation, but also the metaphorical center point of the entire world and perhaps the universe. As our snow totals go, so goes the financial health of the world. That means this storm is critically important and that fact alone places quite a bit of weight upon the shoulders of our forecasters. Can those spineless swindlers shoulder it? Let's take a look:

9News - I watched Kathy in action tonight (see pic above) and she's predicting between 8 and 16 inches here in the city. *Sigh* . . . talk about a wide birth. Way to cover your bases, Kathleen. I hope the actual total is either 7 or 17 inches.

Fox 31 - Chris Dunn, local cheese dick and "one of the first weather forecasters in the country to earn the designation of 'Certified Broadcast Meteorologist'" (whatever the fuck that means) is getting insanely precise and/or handling Denver like he's squeezing one of Phil Mickelson's breasts:

7News - Big Mike Nelson says 8-12 inches between noon and nine tomorrow. Not the first time he's told people (read: women) that.

News4 - Ed Greene's also playing it safe with the 8-16 inch call. Seriously, what's up with our local weather folk groping their maps?

Now for the big boys:

Weather.gov - I'm really terrible at math, but by my calculations, I read a 10-18 inch prediction.

Weather.com - 7-12 inches.

Accuweather.com - Easily THE most conservative prediction . . . 4-9 inches. Party poopers.

That's about it. Get your supplies prepared. I've got my whiskey, moon boots and Vietnamese soup at the ready and that's all I'll need. And I implore all of you official FKS weather spotters to be on white alert. Make sure you have batteries for your cameras and good ideas for measurement pictures. This is not a drill, you lazy bastards . . . I expect top notch coverage of the Great March Blizzard of Aught Nine (aka - The Tides of Smarch). Please don't let me down again.

Tucked Warmly Under The Winter Storm Warning,
Flip

Answered Prayers?

2009-03-25T00:38:00.006-06:00

Here we go. A full blown WINTER STORM WATCH has been issued for the Front Range of this absolute gem of a state we call Colorado. I can't be sure, but I think this is the first one of aught nine and it has me as giddy as the paparazzi that chase the Octomom.

The prospect of 6+ inches of snow excites me. Does it excite you? I bet it does. It should. We've been on a collective dry spell for the past six months and it's high time we scored. Hoggin' has never potentially felt so good, has it? Watching Kathy gently caress the Colorado/New Mexico border tonight (showing the predicted path of the Low Pressure) nearly brought me to orgasm. I'll even forgive the fact that both she and Marty were predicting only a light snow on Thursday as recently as last night if they're (and every other weather predicting service) correct with their heavy snowfall prediction.

But if they're wrong, may God/Allah have mercy on their pitiful meteorlogical souls. I will wish death/termination of employment upon them all. Too often this winter/early spring they have hoped for and promised moisture only to leave us, the proud citizen, looking like saps for believing a single word that comes out of their moufs. No more. We will FIX THEY MOUFS! We will rise up like a collective centipede and crawl all over their pathetic but well groomed faces. I'm depending on you to rise up with me, so don't let me down, OK?

That's enough for now. No sense counting predictions before they're broadcast on local television stations. I'll be back tomorrow with more as we lead up to THE STORM OF THE LAST YEAR OF THE DECADE.

Cheers,
Flip

Smoke The Dust Bowl

2009-03-22T22:25:00.004-06:00

Earlier I had expressed extreme optimism, bonerism and excitement with regard to a low pressure front's predicted path. It was supposed to tease the Colorado/New Mexico border which likely would've meant upslope winds and a good chance of heavy moisture here in the Mile High. Turns out the fucking thing is too far north meaning little in the way of much needed precip in these parts and a blizzard for those poor saps in Wyoming and further up the Northern Great Plains, where they definitely don't need it. Eat shit, Mother Nature. You are a cruel, unforgiving wench with lopsided tits and a terrible attitude. That's right. I said it. What are you going to do about it? Tie us up and screw us with a drilldo? You don't have the guts.

Anyway, I'm still holding out hope that something squirrely will happen, but Negative Nancy and Coniglio are not exactly giving me much reason to believe. Hopefully their collective prediction is as accurate as my bracket predicitons.

Also, it was 79 degrees here today, tying a record (/makes wanking motion). This seems like the 11th record high we've tied or broken in the last couple of months and it's getting kind of old. I know a lot of people back east would want to punch me in the face for complaining about an extremely warm winter/early spring, and I respect and welcome that, but enough is enough. Make with the moisture.

I love you,
Flip

Anticipation

2009-03-20T00:57:00.002-06:00

I have a mighty good feeling about this. Do your worst, Mother Nature. We deserve it.

Giving Up This Boring Mid 60s Weather Watching For Lent

2009-02-25T00:13:00.005-07:00

A friend of mine says he saw Jay Cutler out a bar recently and remarked that "he had no presence." These words gave me great pause and caused tremendous concern, because a piece of me believes he is correct in his observation of Mr. Cutler. Could it be? Does he have no soul? Worse, does he have no ego?

I don't want to let myself believe it. I refuse to let myself believe it. He as all the god damned presence he needs back there in that pocket before firing laser-guided, side-winding, rib-splitting, finger-breaking missiles into the clutches of our cocksure receivers. So what if he doesn't command the ass kissing of Denver's white collar crowd? I can think of much worse things.

What my friend meant (I think) is that you wouldn't have known Cutler was there even if you were standing next to him at the bar ordering double Jack Daniels(TM), neat. My friend also asked, "Do you think you would ever be in a bar with John Elway and not know it?" That really made me think. Probably not.

In his early years, as I recall, old Johnny Ballgame was moderately successful and I'm pretty sure he devoured every ounce of praise he got from all of Denver's residents - be they bartenders, barbers or sleek women. He grabbed this town by its short and curlies from the very start and didn't let go until he shaved them all off using only a straight razor and the reflection of two Vince Lombardi trophies. And I thank him for it each and every day.

Where was I? Oh yeah . . . the old comparison game between the new QB in town who has diabetes, Bama bangs and a rocket launcher for an arm with the old hero/statesman who also once had floppy hair, an affinity for hunting rabbits, and a rocket launcher for an arm. I can't do it anymore. Every quarterback that ever comes here is compared to Sir Elway and it's not fair. I won't be a part of it. Plus, I get the feeling that Jay's a delicate fellow and anything negative written here may push him right over the edge. I don't want to be responsible for that. A man self destructing by his own hand is one thing, but being pushed into despair by respected media such as FKS is quite another.

Jesus.

Happy Fat Tuesday by the way. It was a nice one. Sixty six degrees. It's been a mild winter . . . as was evidenced by the menacing brush fires today. Fucking La Niña. And yes, I'm aware it snowed freakishly Friday night but shit, it was the weekend. Old Flip needed some time and drink at the local pubs with the gentry and other damaged folk. Call it an All Star Break. But I'm not at all fooled by this heat . . . snowy times lay ahead. I know it. You know it. But does Kathy Sabine know it? Probably yes, but we shall see. I heard she was giving up models for lent.

Be Warm, Stay Cool and Never Sweat,
Flip T. Washington

Leipz . . . ahhhhhhhhh

2009-02-16T23:54:00.003-07:00

This is why accuweather.com dominates all other online weather prediction services. Altieri could learn a thing or two about the passion and the intensity that should go along with predicting the weather.

Fuck.

Poorcasting

2009-02-13T11:06:00.008-07:00

Image time stamp: Fri Feb 13 11:01:00 MST 2009

The picture above comes from cotrip.org and is from a camera on I-76 near Sterling. This is what the current article on 9news.com, updated by Ashton "Pees Sitting Down" Altieri himself, reads:

The northeastern Plains of Colorado will see widespread snow through late Friday morning. Locations such as Sterling, Julesburg, Akron, and Holyoke are under a WINTER STORM WARNING until noon for a total of 4 to 8 inches of snow. Wind gusts over 20 mph will create blowing and drifting snow. Travel could become difficult along Interstate 76 east of Fort Morgan.

Here are some other shots from the Northeast portion of our state:

Wiggins

Briggsdale

Not good . . . unless 4-8 inches comes down within the next hour, I'd say this forecast was an outright dud. And the people are none too pleased about it if the comments on the 9news story are any indication:

Shennan wrote:

Ashton give it up you cannot predict right just put down expect snow and leave it at that. I am north of I70 in the foothills and have only a wee bit. Better luck next time.

gobroncos wrote:

I live in a area that was predicted 4-8 inches, and NOT 1 snow flake. I will never forget what I learned in middle school. A teacher once said that 80% will get you through school, but 80% in the working world will set you up for many failures. (Ed. note - I have no idea what this means)

agentdad wrote:

Not a flake in Arvada---only flakes are in the 9NEWS weather department---

And it's probably not fair just to single out 9News, because it seems everyone missed the boat. Probably because they all look at the exact same models and not a one of them is ever willing to go out on a limb and be an individual. Why wouldn't take a chance at this point? It's not like they're ever reprimanded for being wrong anyway.

Check out Ed Greene acting the fool right now on News4:

The heavier snow has definitely been across the eastern plains around Yuma and Burlington. Winter Storm Warnings are still in place there until noon.

Here's a picture from Stratton, only a few miles from Burlington:

Image time stamp: Fri Feb 13 11:25:36 MST 2009

Snow Forecast Round-Up

2009-02-12T18:49:00.004-07:00

9News: According to 9NEWS Meteorologist Ashton "Pees Sitting Down" Altieri, snow will develop along the Front Range late Thursday evening and could continue at times through the Friday morning commute. The Denver, Boulder and Aurora areas should see less than 1 inch of accumulation. Locationas farther to the north including Fort Collins, Loveland and Greeley will likely see a total of 2 to 5 inches of accumulation.

7News: More snow is likely to fall in the mountains, adding another possible 4-10 inches. A chance for a brief period of snow in the Denver Metro area will bring 1-2 inches of accumulation and 2-5 inches of snow is expected for the foothills north of Denver. The heaviest snow still looks to be over northeastern Colorado. Projected snow fall totals for the northeast corner of the state include 4-10 inches.

Fox31: Sunshine today . . . but clouds increase tonight as our next winter storm moves into the state. This storm will bring moderate to heavy snow to the mountains through Friday where another 4-8" will fall in areas north of I-70. Snow will eventually spread east onto the plains late tonight into Friday morning. The heaviest snowfall should be over the Northeastern plains (NE Weld, Morgan, Washington, Yuma, Logan Sedgwick & Phillips Counties) where 4-7" are possible, with a few locations getting into the 6-10" range in extreme NE Colorado and Nebraska. Expect a range of 1-3" well north of Denver into Fort Collins and Greeley. The snow potential for the rest of the Front Range & Denver area is much lower, with amounts up to 1" by midday Friday. - Chris "The Pasty Meteorologist" Dunn

News4: Northeastern Colorado is under a Winter Storm Warning from tonight until Friday afternoon. Cities like Ft. Morgan, Sterling, Yuma, Holyoke and Julesburg could see between 6-10 inches of snow. The closer you are to the line of Interstate 70 the less snow you will have. Cities like Limon can expect around 2-5 inches. In Denver, we will have up to 2 inches, but it will last into Fridday morning during the commute. Farther north toward Ft. Collins, expect 2-4 inches of snow. The foothills will get about 3-5 inches between 6,000 and 9,000 feet. - Stacey "Boom Boom" Donaldson

Wunderground.com: Chance of snow showers late in the eveing . . . then snow showers likely after midnight. Snow accumulation up to 1 inch. Lows in the lower 20s. Southeast winds 10 to 20 mph becoming northeast winds 10 to 15 mph around midnight. Chance of snow 60 percent.

Accuweather.com: Thursday night - Mostly cloudy and breezy with a bit of snow, accumulating a coating to an inch . . . Friday morning - A bit of snow in the morning, up to 1"; otherwise, mostly cloudy and breezy.

Weather.com: Thursday night - Variable clouds with snow showers. Low 24F. S winds shifting to WNW at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of snow 70 percent. About one inch of snow expected . . . Friday morning - Scattered snow showers during the morning. Then partly to mostly cloudy for the afternoon. High 33F. Winds NNE at 10 to 15 mph. Chance of snow 30 percent.

All official and unofficial FKS weather spotters should be on the third highest alert level and can report their findings at their convenience.

Be Advised

2009-02-12T00:49:00.002-07:00

Measure This

2009-02-08T20:51:00.011-07:00

I've been laying low in the hopes that my silence would encourage Mother Nature to ease up on her recent "no precipitation" policy. You're welcome. We received, by my observations, exactly two extremely isolated showers on Sunday evening measuring not even 1/16th of an inch of rain. It was glorious. I wish you would've been here to experience it. Maybe you were.

Anyway, things have been awfully quiet on the weather front here in Ye Olde Mile High. Sure, we had another round of Spring-like weather last week, but it wasn't quite as good as the previous one (no record high temps) and I refuse to write about substandard weeks of unseasonable warmth. That doesn't mean I didn't enjoy it, however. I did. Very much so. I hope you did as well. Jennifer Zeppelin of News4 says it's the "5th driest snow season so far in 30 years." That's the actual headline of her story. It confuses me. But I get the message. It's dryer than an elderly porn star.

Mainly I've been pondering an issue very near and dear to my heart. If you're like me, and I hope to Christ's mother you're not, you've often wondered why the official snowfall measurement for the city of Denver is done at Denver International Aiport and not somewhere closer to town. For the uninitiated, DIA (which has the most bad ass sculpture(which killed its sculptor) of any airport in the world) is roughly 25 miles from the center of the great metropolis of Denver. But in terms of climatology, the airport is a world away.

I'm not going to get into it because it's boring as shit, but rest assured that the weather that occurs in downtown Denver is often quite a bit different than what's going on out at the airport. The proximity to the mountains, elevation and amount of concrete/buildings all play a factor, but I would guess that the actual high and low temperatures differ between downtown and DIA almost 248 times a year.

During the summer, the highs at the airport are generally cooler than the highs in the city which often deprives us of hard earned record high temperatures. Summer is already irritating enough, the least we can get for our troubles is a few records. But noooooo . . . we have play by the rules of the government . . . at least that's what 9News would have us believe:

Denver’s official temperature along with all other weather information including snowfall is recorded at DIA because commercial airports are the origin of regular weather observations in the United States. This is mandated by the National Weather Service and the Federal Aviation Administration. 9NEWS is not involved in the process of determining the location of official weather observation stations.

That is complete and utter bullshit in my humble estimation. How does such a thing make sense? Especially with all measurements before 1995 occurring a scant seven miles from the city (at the old Stapleton airport)? Our climatology records are going to be more twisted than the psychological records of Jon & Kate's eight kids in 30 years. There's no continuity and that just can't be a good thing. Studying the climate is all based on static measurements - not switching the location by 20 miles every so often. Damn it!

It would seem to me in this technologically advanced and instant information world that it would be OK to have an official measuring station somewhere in the city and then another one 25 fucking miles away at the airport. That doesn't seem like too much to ask for. Hell, according to 7News, they already kind of do this with the snowfall measurements:

Although the official weather measurements for Denver are made at the Denver International Airport, official snow observations for the city are still made at the old Stapleton Airport.

See, what's wrong with that? Nothing. That's what. Let's just go ahead and set up two different stations to measure weather here in our fine town. One can be at the airport and the other will be on the roof of my apartment. Let's make this happen. I'm going to write and email to Egger and see what she thinks. I'll keep you posted.Anyway, looks like a chance of flurries/light snow this evening so if you have to get out on the roads, leave work early and tell them Flip told you it was OK. No one is predicting over two inches or under a trace - but that doesn't mean you shouldn't sneak out of the job when you have the chance. Good luck.

Happy Groundhog Day

2009-02-02T21:19:00.002-07:00

The little rodent predicts there's going to be six (6) more weeks of winter. I am predicting a mere 4.1 weeks.

Communication In Its Purest Form

2009-01-31T00:42:00.003-07:00

From time to time, when I'm ~~really~~ sort of bored at work, I enjoy perusing the comments sections of our local media's web sites. All are truly forums unlike any other in decent society in that practically every discussion devolves quickly into an anonymous and sociopathic argument about either illegal immigration or politics. In fact, sometimes I enjoy getting the battle started with witty comments about former Nuggets Coach Bill Hanzlik's poor instructing ability, Kathy's meager forecasting or your mom's shitty cooking. Predictably, this rubs some people in the commentariat the wrong way from time to time. Observe commenter "jodestar" and her utter disdain for all things Flip:

- - - - - -
jodestar wrote:

Nobody cares that you want Kathy Sabine fired, so quit posting that link. You must be a pretty pathetic person to wish and promote that someone looses their job. If you do not like her then do you watch the news when she is on.
- - - - -

Obviously I don't watch the news when she is on . . . I watch the weather. That aside, I was concerned about jodestar's not so subtle anger with my egregious use of the 9news comments section(s). I responded with the following letter:

Dearest jodestar,

I am deeply sorry to hear about your disgust with my shameless self promotion. You're absolutely right that it's a disgrace, but, as the newest weather blogger on the scene, I feel I need to draw a little attention to the site from time to time. I don't think I'm that rabid of a promoter - I've only mentioned the site 12 times during the course of the last 6.3 weeks in the comments section of 9news.com. That's not even twice a week.

Nonetheless, you seem concerned and that makes me sad. Have you even visited the site? I don't hate on The Frail Minx (read: Kathy) completely . . . just mostly. And it's not her being I object to; it is her poor forecasting. Obviously you are very fond of Kathy as a person and that's cool if you like tightly wound (allegedly) people who are terrible at predicting accurate amounts of snowfall (also allegedly - but my stupid online journal will prove it so within the next two years). That's your business.

But you, as a beautiful citizen of the West, deserve an accurate forecast. You deserve to know who's telling you the truth and who's just not very good at their job. It might determine the course of your day . . . nay, your life. Am I wrong? Are we gonna split hairs here?

The answer is no, jodestar, I am most definitely not wrong. In time you will see this. Please continue to visit firekathysabine.blogspot.com and leave any further concerns you have in the comments section. I'm doing this for you, jodestar . . . can't you understand that?

I Love You,

Flip T. Washington

The Execution of Nick Carter is Nigh

2009-01-30T12:53:00.004-07:00

Word from inside the 9News headquarters is that Nick "The Brick" Carter has finished off his "last meal," which consisted of the full fried chicken plate from the Welton St. Cafe and one large pepperoni and pineapple pizza from Two-Fisted Mario's. He is said to be in a calm, reflective state as his final broadcast nears. According to my source, "He's mainly just puttering around the weather center. He looked at (and tenderly touched) the double doppler radar screen a couple of times. He also tried to get in the station's helicopter but he couldn't fit. He gave Marty (Coniglio) a lingering hug and multiple fist pounds. He hasn't said a word to Ashton (Altieri) - he just stares menacingly at him. But he seems to be resigned to what's going to happen. We'll see what goes down I guess."

According to multiple sources, Nick will be allowed one shot of good whiskey right before he goes on to calm his nerves. But he will, in all likelihood, sneak a couple more. This may lead to an emotional and/or angry sign-off which hopefully includes him unleashing a torrent of profanity while heaving Sabine's red umbrellas off of the "weather deck" and onto Speer Boulevard. Please, if you happen to catch this during the evening broadcast (or when driving by the 9News sudio), be sure to take a photo.

Goodbye, Nick. May Mother Nature have mercy on your soul.

Nearly Headless Nick

2009-01-26T16:59:00.014-07:00

Man oh man, as first relayed to me by longtime FKS reader, British meteorology buff and avid dogger Sir Gilmore P. Knobstain . . . Nick Carter is no more. Well, he's no more after Friday at least. I'm speechless. Not really. Although when I started this fine, weather-focused blog, the idea of any of our local meteorologists getting canned never really crossed my mind. Local media people in Denver are usually like Supreme Court Justices in that once they have the job, they'll usually stick around until the bitter end (see: Palmer, Bob; Green, Larry; and Zapollo, Ron). I'm not passing any judgment on them for doing so, it seems that's just the way things go in these parts. Hell, I envy them. If I had a job as cushy as theirs and lived in a state as bad-assed as this one, I'd never leave either.

But that's neither here nor there. Our focus should be on middle-aged Nick in his time of peril. When I heard this news I initially tried to conjure up any images or opinions I had of Mr. Carter (a two time winner of Westword's Best Local TV Weathercaster). The only thing that came to mind was that he always seemed a bit too jovial when on camera and that he has really ballooned into a giant man over the past few years. Given these . . . well, I guess you'd call them traits, he'd probably make a good Santa Claus at a mall going forward. That'd show up Ernie Bjorkman and his new, humble, pretty awesome reinvention as a vet tech.

Also, as was pointed out by a number of astute FKS readers, he really liked to wear giant coats - no matter the time of year.

Billy Axelrod opines: "His bobbing for donuts schtick or whatever it was called was funny." I don't remember said schtick, but the idea of a rotund man in a giant coat bobbing for apples on television does indeed sound disasterous and possibly entertaining or creepy. If anyone has video of this, send it over. But based on my search for a picture of Mr. Carter, I'm guessing such a video is not likely. He seems to have removed nearly every piece of photographic evidence of himself from the net. The only one out there seems to be on his bio. Is he hyper-ashamed of himself? I don't know. I hope not.

Denver Post commentor "Ottis Williams" thinks Mr. Carter's weight may have had something to do with his contract not being renewed:

Is Nick Carter the kind of heavy guy? His pic in the story doesn't look like what I see now, if I am thinking of the same guy. I am in no way criticizing him if that's the guy; I'm heavy as well. I did wonder, as I watched the parade of eye candy weather people and anchors show up on local channels over the past 18 months, how Nick would do given he seemed heavy compared to others. That's a sad commentary on our society. He's the ONLY person whose contract wasn't renewed?

He could be on to something here. It is a sad commentary on our society when we'd rather watch attractive women (and Kathy) present the weather than oafish dudes with permagrins. But the weight issue is something that I'll enjoy blindly speculating on later.

But let's stack Nick up against his colleagues and see where he stands. Carter's been here 24 years. Ditchfield's been here one. She's also a giggly and self proclaimed St. Louisophile who probably enjoys rainbows and has no seasoning. I'm not saying Carter's a savant, but I'd much prefer the meteorologist with 23 more years of Colorado experience than a rookie who has a cat named Cody.

Altieri's been here two years by way of the Midwest and is "a proud Eagle Scout." He also fancies himself a ~~chubby~~ storm chaser with the "call sign" WX9USA. He loves the Michigan Wolverines but went to Central Michigan. He worked in Des Moines, Iowa before coming to Denver . . . which seems like a very natural progression. He has the face of an ugly baby. I'm not sure he can be trusted. Also, he does claim that he won Westword's Best Weathercaster award in 2008. I don't believe him.

The matron saint Sabine and her obedient squire Coniglio aren't going anywhere for now, but, given what's happened to Carter, they probably won't be around too much longer. They're not exactly spring chickens. Kathy is rapidly getting through her cougar years and will soon be referred to as a saber tooth tiger. Coniglio reminds me of Quagmire from Family Guy so I hope he hangs around.

What's the point of all this? I don't know. I lost track of the angle I was going for many paragraphs ago. I think, ultimately, Nick Carter was the victim of the reality of today's local television news in that if one wants to remain on the air, one better look relatively youthful. He surely didn't make that much money given his position on the pecking order, but maybe he made significantly more than Ditchfield (aka Ditzfield) or delicate Ashton. Whatever the case, Colorado's losing one of it's most experienced meteorologists and that's probably not a good thing . . . unless you like to see "experts" screwing up forecasts . . . and I do.

Anyway . . . via con dios, Nick. Good luck with the aviating, the weight losing and whatever else you're going to be up to. And, if you get the chance, please get really drunk before your final weather forecast Friday. That would be truly memorable.

Eat Shit, Old Man Winter

2009-01-22T15:59:00.008-07:00

We did it! We stood in front of Old Man Winter (real name: Ronald Dinklin), cocked our collective fist back and punched him right in his stupid, wrinkled, gray-eyed face. When he hit the ground we pointed at him and chortled. Someone may have spit on him. Billy Axelrod then dropped the hammer and curb-stomped him. And we laughed. Oh how we laughed.

We probably shouldn't have though . . . because he's going to get up and he's going to punch us back - maybe as early as tomorrow. Kathy, and every other meteorologist within this state's borders, say the temperature will plunge 30 degrees in the next 12 hours with a decent likelihood of rain, snow or the two mixed together.

So what. It was worth it. Four consecutive days of temperatures at or above 65 degrees in the middle of January is on par with moderate to good sex (not that I am capable of either) - it makes you feel confident, happy and alive. And hell, a high of 40 tomorrow is still probably going to be better than what 54 percent of the nation will experience. It was a run for the ages and forever shall be referred to as "The January Sixties (Aught) Nine."

Lastly, kudos to Ms. Sabine for correctly predicting 71 and a record on Wednesday. Spot on, you frail little minx. But I shouldn't be surprised. She's not bad at predicting when precipitation is not involved. She should move to San Diego.

January 21 Will Be the True Historic Day

2009-01-21T00:32:00.007-07:00

This, friends, is a moderately poor example of what 68 degrees looks like in the heart of Denver in mid to late January, aught nine. It was a historic and powerful day full of hope, clean air and co-eds wandering around in tank tops. The high pressure system that is sitting over the West is forceful and controlling and I'm loving every single second of its presence . . . particularly when I see what's going on in the Midwest and in our Nation's capitol. I don't know what else to say really. It's nothing short of a pleasure to be wandering about in short sleeves this time of year. It doesn't make any kind of sense and that is precisely what makes it so enjoyable. Colorado's weather is rife with schizophrenia and that's one of the main reasons I like living here. Mother Nature will give you a deep, sensual and tongue-filled kiss one minute and then kick you square in the balls the next. The unpredictability and violence is sexy. At least in my eyes.

Tomorrow's going to be even better . . . at least according to thy Sabine:

You probably already know that 71 would best the record of 70 set, I believe, in 1950. What you probably did not know is that Ms. Sabine might be either a robot or a ghost or extremely thin; the evidence of this is clearly visible when viewing her right arm in this photo. It's like seeing an X-ray of her doing the wanking motion over the state of Texas. Well played, ghost Kath.

Mother Nature Doles Out a Lap Dance

2009-01-17T01:03:00.003-07:00

I've spent the better part of 35 minutes trying to get a screen shot of the Spanish Weather Channel's forecast for Denver over the next 48 hours to post in its entirety at the top of this page. The fact that I have failed (at the modest task which was my charge) has left me feeling down. That I don't know how to do this makes me feel like I'm developmentally disabled when it comes to my understanding of screen shots or copy/paste protocol or women. How am I ever going to make it in the weather blogosphere if I can't take images from weather.com? I guess I'll have to continue to rely on the slaves to the weather model who claim to be our local meteorologists. I am convinced, particularly after Monday's fiasco, that they are spineless cretins who do not care about our safety or our good times.

Nonetheless, this weekend should be moderately to extremely soothing, particulary when it comes to January weather. There is much discussion of "abundant sunshine" and "unseasonable temperatures." That qualifies as filthy, mid-coitus talk in my book. Look for the citzens of Denver to be partly antsy with a strong chance of wandering around outdoors and remarking on how great the weather is.

Models

2009-01-13T13:36:00.003-07:00

"We live and die by the models," Fredin said. "The models underestimated the instability, which you can't detect until it is almost on top of you."

Snow Total Follow-Up

2009-01-13T12:43:00.002-07:00

My apologies to Billy Axelrod, of Loveland, Colorado for not including his measurement report yesterday. Billy was deputized as an official FKS weather spotter two weeks ago. The ceremony included whiskey, painted ladies and cocaine. Ice water was also available. Here is his report from Monday, January 12 - submitted at 4:18PM Mountain Standard Time:

I regret to inform you that one man cannot stick a tape measure in the snow, fire up a cancer stick, and take a picture all at one time. The good news is I took multiple measurements throughout the region (well, in the parking lot of my residence) and measured 3 5/8'' of snow at 7:15 this morning. Areas covered in Kentucky bluegrass were subject to wind and children frolicking and carbon dioxide emissions, therefore, no measurements were obtained. I am comfortable and fully satisfied with the parking lot measurements.

Thanks again, William. I'll monitor the official FKS weatherspotter wire a little more closely the next time it snows (tomorrow perhaps?). And regarding your issues measuring, smoking and taking pictures (aka handling the money, driving the car and talking on the phone), I thought that's why you got married. If Mrs. Axelrod can't help, then maybe it's time to start experimenting with the timer on your camera. I can not solve your problems, sir, only you can. Still, you're a good man . . . and thorough.

FAILURE

2009-01-12T12:25:00.010-07:00

The 32-load plastic Tide bottle stands a robust 9 inches - photo taken at 9:12AM on Monday, January 12

I freely admit that the only two forecasts I saw last (Sunday, Jan. 11) evening were Mike Nelson's on 7News and Marty Coniglio's on 9News. Both of these gentlemen predicted no more than a light snowfall (maybe an inch or two - see photo in previous entry) . . . although they did caution that the morning commute could be made a little slower. They were right about the commute, as I'm sure those of you who are forced to do such a terrible thing found out right away. Mine, which is tame by anyone's definition (an estimated 3.89 miles) took almost 40 minutes. During this commute I saw a woman next to me using one hand to eat and the other to hold her phone while trying to navigate the icy streets. All I could do was shake my head and sip my whiskey.

What I find to be pretty shitty, however, is 9news throwing this little jab at CDOT (Colorado Department of Transportation) in their story about this morning's storm:

The early morning snowfall caught the Colorado Department of Transportation a little bit by surprise a spokesperson said.

Yeah, they were surprised because none these meteorologists predicted the severity of the storm. This is what pisses me off. There's absolutely no culpability on the part of 9News. All too often people get riled up at CDOT for not keeping the roads clear during/after a big storm. But most of the time CDOT is at the mercy of the forecast. If the forecast is for light snow and then it dumps almost five inches in five hours, they have to scramble and, by that point, it's too late. I'm pretty sure if old Nelson or Coniglio would've said something about four to six inches of snow falling so quickly, CDOT probably would've had their plows at the ready, guiding you merrily to your place of employment.

But that didn't happen. Neither Nelson nor Coniglio made any such claims and the result was an exceedingly slow commute. I can only hope that you used the confusion and poor driving conditions as an excuse to go chill out at a coffee shop or bar for an extra 15 minutes before punching the clock. Because if you didn't, you're a sap.

I do need to give credit to 7news, however, because they sort of threw Nelson under the bus (and rightly so) with their story about the morning snow storm. Check out these beauties:

"Horrible," said Russel Smith who has lived and worked in Denver his entire life. "This was the worst drive yet. And it was made even worse because we weren't prepared based on the information given by forecasters," said Smith.

"It was ugly," said Patty Gonwa about her commute. "I was not prepared based on the forecast. They said it wouldn't hit until mid-morning. And then, it wasn't supposed to get bad, maybe one to two inches. And this is, well, more than one to two inches," said Gonwa. "They were dead wrong."

That's what I like to see. While 7News doesn't come right out and blame their own meteorologist, they do have the courage to quote people who know the real story. I can respect that. 9News's bullshit, on the other hand, I can not.

Lastly, here are the snow totals if you're into that kind of thing.

Inching Along

2009-01-12T00:28:00.006-07:00

Hi. How's it going? Good. Great to hear. Hey, listen, if you have to commute this morning, be aware that Coniglio predicted some snow. So did the rest of them. I know, I know . . . but let's just see how this plays out.

I watched an egregious amount of NFL playoff action this weekend and, in accordance to my rules, drank an egregious amount beer. But now I feel really terrible. Every time I pass gas it smells like stale Red Bull and Vodka. I didn't have any Red Bull or Vodka over the weekend which leaves me confused and concerned.

Have an awesome week.

Love,
Flip

Headed for a Blow Down

2009-01-08T11:56:00.003-07:00

Ignore the part about ignoring the people laughing. If you don't find women who look like extras in "The Office" getting blown down by the wind in a parking lot to be funny, well, I don't want to know you.

It's Not a Tomer

2009-01-05T23:24:00.007-07:00

Like American children (or so I'm told), the snowflakes falling in the heart of Historic Lower Downtown Denver on Saturday afternoon/evening were obese. But they were also quick. They came and went rapidly and at all hours of the day - like the action at a good whorehouse (or so I'm told). For some, the plump afternoon snow brought feelings of coziness and wonderment. For others, it brought lust and a thirst for bourbon. But it was here for everyone and that's really what counts in the end.

As far as those predictions were concerned, I can give everybody a pass except Tomer and maybe Gaguilera. It's honestly difficult to give them too much shit though because I really have no idea exactly how much snow fell around the Denver Metro area. Downtown, where there is no grass - only body heat and streets - I'd say maybe 11 to 13/16ths of an inch fell. I know because I shuffled through it at 1:43AM Sunday - high on beer, good music and Nuggets victories.

An official FKS weatherspotter, a Mr. Langenbrewer from Littleton, texted me about seven hours later (a bit too early on a Sunday morning I should add) to report only an inch there. I think he used a stick of string cheese to measure, but I can't be sure because there was no photographic evidence of this measurement. But at least he reported it, because no other official FKS weatherspotters did and that, quite frankly, is a little disappointing . . . but also understandable. It's the weekend. People (myself and Langenbrewer excepted) have better things to do than measure snow.

Still, Tomer, you can't just say 0-3 inches. I've thought about his prognostication some more and just become more disgusted with it the more I think about it. It's lazy. I imagine his reasoning is that Metropolitan Denver and its suburbs add up to a rather large geographical area and within that geography are pockets of varying elevation, wind, cement and everything else that might effect levels of measurable snowfall. That's very true, but it's still no excuse. You take the time, Tomer, to study each area (be it the Western Slope, the Northern Suburbs, Pueblo, Peetz, The Highlands, East Colfax, ElBro, etc.) and give accurate predictions for each. That's why you got into the Colorado weather game, isn't it Tomer? To be the best? Well, dammit, be the best. Your bio says you like a challenge! Don't settle for wide-ranging and broad predictions. Strive to achieve perfection . . . or at least to within an inch on either side of it.

Gaguilera - Don't give me that look . . . you know what you did. I saw you on the evening broadcast changing your forecast from a dusting (see previous entry) to 2-4 inches in and around town. You second guessed yourself, sir, and that's a sign of weakness. More than that, you guessed second, and that is simply inexcusable in your profession. Trust your gut - not other meteorologists. Resist peer pressure, Dave! You were right on with your initial forecast yet allowed the opinions of others to alter that keen instinct of yours. For shame.

Snow Forecast Round Up

2009-01-02T17:09:00.008-07:00

What's up, Natives, Texans (gross) and Californians? The lack of posting has been quite uncouth, I know, but shit's been happening and it's hampering old Flip's schedule. Said shit isn't horribly interesting, but the crux of it is I picked up a debilitating chest cold (probably from that vagabond) that put me out of commission for a few days (I coughed so hard and intensely the morning before New Year's Eve that I sharted in bed). Luckily I rallied and even foolishly smoked a cigarette as aught nine was rung in (under extremely mild temperatures might I add). Good stuff . . . although I'm pretty bummed that this will be the last of the "aughts" for my lifetime. At least we can still say "back in aught one, two, four, etc." ad nauseum for the foreseeable future. Like, "Remember when Kathy Sabine completely blew forecasting the great Holiday Blizzard of aught six? It's amazing she still has a job!"

Anyway, the prognosicators of atmospheric conditions are back at it and are predicting a few inches of snow. Here's a quick round up of the various local forecasts for your pleasure:

9News (Altieri) - "The cold front responsible for the snow will move over Denver and the Front Range around midday on Saturday. Once the front passes, temperatures will drop rapidly and snow will start to develop. Most of the snow in the metro area will fall during the late afternoon or early evening on Saturday. The 9NEWS Weather Team expects 1 to 3 inches of total accumulation for most metro neighborhoods. Locations along the Palmer Divide in Douglas and Elbert Counties could see up to 5 inches while the foothills see up to 6 inches. Northern Colorado including Fort Collins, Loveland, and Greeley will see 1 inch or less."

Channel 4 (Gaguilera) - "A cold front arrives early Saturday morning and will drop our temperatures back in the 30's. There is also a chance for light snow showers around the metro area but it's not expected to bring any accumulation. Sunday's high will only be in the 20's."

**Ed. Note - Nice! Right off the bat we know one of the big dogs are going to be dead wrong. My money's on 9 News. Altieri inspires no confidence.**

7News (Hidalgo) - "Another cold front will move into the state on Saturday morning, spreading snow into the mountains and colder temperatures across the plains. Afternoon highs in the metro area will be about 25 to 30 degrees colder than Friday. There will also be a slight chance of light snow across the plains and in the metro area with the passing of this storm on Saturday afternoon."

Fox31 (Tomer) - Eat a fat one, Fox, for making us watch your stupid video forecasts. Tomer, who I bet is very awkward around women, thinks the cold front's going to blow in during the overnight/early morning hours and with the snow following in the afternoon/evening. He says 0-3 inches which is a no-no here at FKS. If you want to be a money forecaster when it comes to snowfall, you need to be accurate within two inches. Three is too wide of a margin. Especially when you're throwing zero in there. What the hell? Grow a pair, Tomer! Either stick to your guns and say it's going to snow 1-3 inches or go with a trace to no accumulation. It can't be both you geeky bastard.

KWGN 2 (Who Knows) - You people are lazier than Fox. There is virtually no words on their page. Just pictures and video. Shameful. Anyway, here's their guess:

I'll be back Sunday to check up on these goons. Until then, you can find me at either a sports bar enjoying NFL playoff football or at the Grizzly Rose enjoying the melodious tunes of The Randy Rogers Band and Cross Canadian Ragweed.

Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't send off one final Mile High Salute to Mein Shanny. While things have indeed been mediocre in terms of wins this past decade, the man did deliver two world championships to this title-starved city and I will never, ever forget that. That overly tan, rodent-looking football genius brought much joy and pride to this city and for that we should all be thankful. Actually, you don't have to be. But I always will be. Happy trails, Mike.

(Nobody chews zebra better than Shanny)

If You Have a Small Dog, Keep an Eye On It When You Let It Out Tonight

2008-12-29T15:43:00.004-07:00

"There is a muscular energy in sunlight corresponding to the spiritual energy of wind." ~Annie Dillard

"The spiritual energy of the wind . . . " That shit is laughable, man. Ha. I probably shouldn't say such things about a quote from a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, but I don't know anyone who would describe 80 mile per hour gusts of wind (or even 20-40 mph sustained winds) as a "spiritual energy." Wind is depressing, irritating and noisy. You can't piss into it and if you wear contact lenses, the wind can contribute to you going blind temporarily. The only thing it's good for is flying kites and clearing smog out of our fair town (and blowing it on to lesser states like Nebraska).

Mama Nature Bakes a Storm

2008-12-26T01:25:00.003-07:00

Early Friday morning . . . the day after Christmas . . . Western Colorado . . . Rain . . . High winds . . . Blizzard warnings . . . Confusion . . . Pee-Wee's Big Adventure . . . Deviled eggs . . . Canadian whiskey . . . Merry Christmas.

Mike Nelson Apologizes . . . Sort Of

2008-12-23T18:48:00.007-07:00

The crude photo at right is Mike "I Switch Stations" Nelson blurting out what I guess could be considered an apology for his and his weather team's grievous error in judgment when forecasting the latest storm for the Denver Metro area. If you missed it, Mike and his cronies over at Channel 7 predicted 2 to 4 inches of snow in Denver today. As is often the case, there was no snow. Mike went with the oldest excuse in the book and blamed the southeasterly wind. Poor old southeasterly wind . . . always getting shit upon by forecasters who rely too heavily on weather models. Ah well, I suppose Mikey deserves some credit for having the seeds to go on the air and admit when he is wrong. It would appear that he's not the only one who's backpedaling. Coniglio blamed the mountains. What a dick.

I wish I could get more in depth on all the local weather soothsaysers and their follies, but I spent the majority of my day yesterday sitting on a westbound Amtrak train listening to an old hippie/vagabond (who looked a lot like this guy) ratchet up many pints of phlegm and resin from his lungs with deep and sustained coughs. I was concerned he was going to die. Then I wondered to myself: "If this guy does start to enter the throes of death during one of these coughing fits, will you have the mental fortitude to give him CPR and not throw up while doing so?" I came to the conclusion that I would wait for someone else to attempt to save him and if no one volunteered, I would step in. Sad? You bet. But true.

But he was really the least frustrating thing about the trip. I like Amtrak . . . I really do. Any method of travel where you can drink heavily and no one bats an eye is OK in my book. I've traveled by train many a time and had some insanely memorable trips (like getting wrecked in the smoking car for five hours on Super Bowl Sunday (Rams vs. Patriots) with a cowboy poet and bondage models). I haven't rode (ridden?) the rails in a couple of years and was thoroughly disappointed with the shape our national rail service is in . . . well, maybe just the California Zephyr. Sure, the train was seven hours late getting to Denver, but that's somewhat acceptable given the brutality of the weather back east over the past few days. But the state of the cars was just pathetic. Lights were out, chairs were broken, bathrooms were in disrepair, doors between cars didn't work . . . it's like they just said, "Fuck it . . . we'll just let the cars go until they can't go no more." C'mon, Amtrak. You can do better. Shit, the Feds are handing over bailouts left and right. Go get some of it. I know, I know, you're already heavily subsidized. But that shouldn't stop you from asking for more. It's the new American way.

Official Press Release Regarding Jim Cantore Figurine

2008-12-17T16:29:00.005-07:00

(JUST-PROUST)(JPR) Just Proust, Inc. Announces New Item in Award-Winning Jim Cantore Series

Business Editors

DENVER--(FKS WIRE)--Dec. 17, 2008--Just Proust Inc.(R) is pleased to announce that Jim Cantore's "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition"(TM) is now available for public purchase.

The Jim Cantore Series blends the power and grace of the Weather Channel's on-air meteorologist (and favorite son) Jim Cantore into an anatomically correct figurine. Since its inception, the Jim Cantore line of dolls has replaced Mattel's "Ken" as the preferred partner for Barbie(TM)(R).

Highlights of the Jim Cantore "Storm of the Century - Platinum Edition" figurine:

Microphone Grip
Twenty seven different weather-related phrases "spoken" by Jim through small speakers located beneath his jowels. Phrases are triggered by text message and include such gems as "Hey Barbie, what's up? Ever see a high pressure ridge?"
Miniature Armani suit
Authentic NorthFace(TM) cold weather gear
Personal hygiene kit
Specialized nozzle for attachment to home garden hose that pelts Jim with simulated rain or snow at 200 mph
Separate action figures for the weather desk (Choose Severe Weather Expert Dr. Greg Forbes, Tropical Weather Expert Dr. Steve Lyons, or the Old Guy from CSU)
Separate action figures for on-air personalities (Choose two from the following list: Christina Abernathy, Stephanie Abrams (rowr), Vivian Brown, Paul Goodloe, Warren Madden, Sharon Resultan, Mike Seidel and Heather Tesch)
One tanning bed
Working remote cameras that can be broadcast over home television set
Simulated weather satellite (fishing line not included)
Jim's Big Book of Weather Advice ("Never run out of a hotel bar into a thunderstorm without a shirt . . .") and True Stories: Confessions of a Weather Man (Jamaica can be a cold hearted woman . . .")
One large pile of raw weather data

Much more is available in this limited edition collectible - a perfect gift for the holidays.

Also available is the original Jim Cantore Doll, along with the necessary accessories to create such characters as: Hurricane Jim, Winter Storm Warning Jim, Tornado Cantore, Arctic Circle Jerk Jim, Avalanche Jim, Vacation Jim, Rip Tide Jim and, coming soon, Perfect Storm Jim. See local retailers for more information.

About Just Proust, Inc.

Just Proust, Inc. (R) is a multi-faceted, world-enhancing company strategically focusing on market leadership in the areas of figurines, t-shirts, photography, film production and possibly cloud seeding. Founded in 1869 by William "Billy" Just, Just Proust has offices in Denver, Seattle and Blue Mountain Lake, New York.

Just Proust, the Just Proust logo and perhaps Jim Cantore are all trademarks or registered trademarks of Just Proust, Inc.

--30--fdw

CONTACT: Just Proust, Inc.
just.proust@gmail.com
or
Flip Washington
flipwashington@fastmail.fm

* Please note that this release was actually started seven years ago - special thanks to Bruce P. for the collaboration and wisdom

Things You Shouldn't Do Outside When It's Negative 18 Degrees Fahrenheit

2008-12-15T12:24:00.009-07:00

1) Stick your tongue to any metal structure

2) Cry

3) Sleep

4) Expose your genitals

5) Sweat

6) Anything

Back-t0-back record low setting days! Woo! Minus 15 degrees Fahrenheit on Sunday and then an encore of minus 18 this morning. I think I speak for everyone when I say, "Holy shit this is terrible and I'm glad I don't live farther to the north where this kind of weather is commonplace."

*Extends middle finger to Mother Nature*

Early AM Update

2008-12-14T03:00:00.002-07:00

Must be a cold front comin' . . . 'cause I saw the west bound C&O . . . and the coal cars were dusted . . . with a half inch of snow.

At 3:08AM MST, things look dusty and bone chilling on the streets of Denver proper. Everybody in the meteorology business (aka weathotainment) says to expect between 1-3 inches by Sunday evening. But they also hate themselves and their jobs. I believe them, however, when they say that it's going to be ball-shrinkingly cold tomorrow. The official arrival of the Arctic/Polar/Nipple-Erecting air came at exactly 10:24PM Saturday. I know because I was there, observing and admiring. I was also slugging whiskey and smoking a cigarette. I had initially and foolishy wagered a 1:04AM arrival of the cold front with several meteorologiphiles. I lost several dollars and a little dignity/pride in the wager, but I enjoyed the action nonetheless. I also enjoyed the anti-Sabine sentiment that permeated the holiday party scene. I found out that I am not alone in my weather prognosication skepticism, and that made me smile. A smile that will be promptly wiped off my face in about 7 hours when I awake parched, hungover and shivering. Whatever . . . it was worth it. And there's a lot of football on tomorrow.

Also, I guarantee you that Sabine is not up keeping an eye on the weather at this hour. I am. She's probably asleep under a comforter made of sunshine, money and happiness. Meanwhile, I'm still awake . . . mainly because I care about you and want you to be updated on the weather here in Denver (and maybe the whole state) 19-7-365. At 3:27AM it's still snowing and is horribly cold.

Good luck out there. Have a really lazy Sunday. Go Broncos.

First Official Reader-Submitted Measurement Photo . . . Yes!

2008-12-10T10:55:00.010-07:00

Kudos to you, Ronnie Cheetahtoes, for sending in the fine snow measurement picture taken Tuesday, Dec. 9 in Greeley, Colorado. It would appear that the official tally there was 1/16th of an inch. An impressive haul, no doubt. But more impressive is Ronnie Cheetahtoes going out of his way on probably a busy day to help contribute to the awesomeness and seriousness that is FireKathySabine.blogspot.com. The rest of you could learn a thing or two from Mr. Cheetahtoes. And, for his efforts, he will be receiving a photo of Kathy Sabine signed by me and perhaps a black umbrella. You're a good man, Ronnie Cheetahtoes . . . and thorough.

I got a very intimate look at this latest storm. I was given tickets to the Monday night Ryan Adams/Oasis show being held at the Broomfield Events Center just off the Boulder Turnpike. I left work at 6:00PM just as the driving snow was beginning to fall. The normally 15 minute drive to and from the venue turned into an hour each way. The snow came down at such an awesome pace that the badasses who drive the CDOT snowplows couldn't keep up. Throw in a sustained 18 MPH northeasterly wind and it was chaos on the roadways. But I gotta give credit to the drivers out during that maelstrom . . . that was some fine maneuvering, folks. Especially those of you that were drunk when the concert was over and the storm was at its height. You didn't even flinch . . . or flip your cars . . . and for that, I am grateful. It was yet another reminder that, while we in Colorado completely melt down behind the wheel during any kind of rain storm, we also show the utmost in skill and focus when it comes to driving in snow. It makes me swell with pride and throw some punches in the air.

Photo credit: Sledden

"Get to the snow totals, douchebag," is what you're likely thinking. You're right again. Enough of my driving jibber jabber. Sad as this is, it would appear that everyone (aside from weather.com) was pretty much right on with their liberal predictions (2-5 Meto area, 5-10 south and west burbs). That National Weather Service reported these "official" snow totals for Monday night's/Tuesday morning's storm:

Arvada - 7 inches
Aspen - 9 inches
Castle Rock - 8 inches
Conifer - 13 inches
Denver - 5 inches
Delta - 0 inches
Flip Washington's FKS Weather Headquarters (aka ElBro Laboratories) - 4.7 inches
Frederick - 2 inches
Gennesee - 7 inches
Greeley - 1/16th of an inch
Louisville - 9 inches
Parker - 6 inches
Snowmass - 17 inches
Telluride - 14 inches
Thort-en - 5 inches

If your location wasn't included in the above, I don't really give a shit. It's your responsibility to update me. Get on it.

As far as grading out the local weather teams, well, they all get B-'s this time around. I can't go higher because they dropped the ball on some of the Northern suburbs and you just can't be doing that shit. Also, I don't like a three inch spread when it comes to predictions. Two to five inches just doesn't cut it with Flip Washington. Three to five inches? Now that's some predictin' I can get behind. You hear me, Egger?

There are whispers of another storm coming Sunday/Monday. We here at FKS will monitor it closely, of course, and keep you abreast on all the latest tomfoolery perpetrated by Denver's dimmest meteorologists.

Thank you for your patronage. I love you. I mean that.

Crystal Egger's Cold Front Brings All the Boys to the Yard

2008-12-08T11:22:00.008-07:00

Whelp, 11AM has come and gone and there's still no sign of any moisture - at least not downtown. But the skies are looking ominous and/or angry. I, for one, welcome their bitterness and hope they unleash a fine squall for our evening entertainment. All of the local stations are currently predicting between 2-5 inches of frozen crystals to fall from the sky here in the Denver Metro area. Weather.com is going with a conservative 1-3 inches while accuweather.com is predicting between 3-6. Almost everyone is in agreement that the southern and western sections of town may see anywhere between 5-10 inches of snow by Tuesday morning. It's all very exciting. So is the poor man's Erin Andrews of Denver weather forecasting, Crystal Egger. If you are not familiar with her, may I suggest you make your introduction here. Also, this is an official call to all FKS weather spotters to be on alert and ready to make snowfall measurements tomorrow morning or late tonight (and photograph/video these measurements), preferably using something unconventional. This is also a call to all high school kids to find an empty parking lot to spin donuts in once enough snow has fallen. That is all.

ALERT

2008-12-08T10:54:00.001-07:00

Get ready, Denver, we're only four minutes away from rain/snow:

9NEWS Meteorologist Nick Carter expects a mix of rain and snow to develop around the Denver area by 11 a.m. Monday. As temperatures become colder, the precipitation will change into all snow by late Monday afternoon. Any accumulation during the day on Monday will be minor.

Totaling Your Snow

2008-12-05T12:18:00.007-07:00

I have to give 9News credit . . . they're the only local media entity I can find (although I didn't look very hard) who put up the snow totals from this most recent "storm." Although I gotta say, it doesn't seem that official. Witness this note at the top of the page:

Below are the latest snow totals advailable [sic]. Please send updated totals to weather@9news.com

So basically, any of you Colorado residents should come up with any number you want for your locale and fire that off to 9News for publication on their website as official. Or you can send a photo of yourself measuring the snow with something unusual (cigarettes, naked ladies, soy sauce bottles) to flipwashington@fastmail.fm or flip.washington@gmail.com and I will gladly post it and ponder it here. I would like to put 9News snow totals page to shame. That is my new goal. I need your help.

* * * * * * *

Five fucking degrees below zero last night in Denver. What the hell? That ties a 99-year-old record for lowest temperature on a December 4th but, to my knowledge, no one told us it was going to get anywhere near that cold. All the reports I read had the low being between seven and 10 degrees above zero. "Well that's only a few degrees off," you're probably saying. "What's the big deal?" I bet 10 degrees difference is a huge deal for the homeless, but you're right, it made no difference to me. Sorry for troubling you.

* * * * * * *

Lastly, watch out for the fuzz if you're cruising I-70 today:

Have a warm weekend everybody!

Hits & Misses - Part 2

2008-12-03T17:05:00.005-07:00

At left is Kathy (I think - it might be Audra from Rocky's Autos) at the height of her powers slumming with what appears to be Bob Kendrick and Kirk Montgomery. I was watching a 9News segment Friday or Saturday night and they were previewing the "Lighting the Lights" ceremony at the City and County Building. Some woman anchor was giving Kirk shit about his voice being hoarse (he was due to sing at the event minutes later) and his hair looking bad. Kirk seemed positively rattled by these digs and looked genuinely afraid. It was probably the most hilarious thing I've seen on 9News in the past five years.

I also found this comment from 9News.com, made in reference to the top story about the cold and potential snow, to be amusing and/or spot on:

gobadgerzzz wrote:

Please, 9 News, I am begging and pleading with you. Don't make a "trace-2 inch" prediction of snow the lead story, like it was last night on your 5:00 news. You just set yourself up to look clueless. Don't you realize that when you make snow the LEAD STORY (no matter how little your prediction is), it is all anyone can talk about around town? It's all I hear about at work, at the grocery store, at the bank. People talking about snow coming cause you hyped it up as THE LEAD STORY both on the news and your website! Viewers don't even wait to hear how much is predicted, they just hear SNOW and run with it. Everyone expects a lot of snow, then you wake up, and nothing. You look like fools when you do this! Even my husband got called into DIA for SNOW REMOVAL last night. Had to go in at 2:00 a.m.!! Guess what? No snow!! How many other businesses did the same because of your hyped up story? Please! Common sense. For small amounts of snow like this, it can wait for the regular weather segment. It is, after all, the mountains we live in.

Anyway, it's the evening rush hour and, from what I see out my window, there is nary a flake flying. This means the second part of Kathy's prediction last night ends in FAILURE. There will be no snow affecting the evening drive. Good. I don't want her to start getting too accurate all of the sudden. But her forecast, as well as everyone else's, is being quickly revised to include a minimal shot of snow tomorrow. A breakdown:

Weather.com - Low of 22 tonight, High of 28 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Accuweather.com - Low of 16 tonight, High of 25 tomorrow, 1-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
9News - Low of 14 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
7News - Low of 12 tonight, High of 21 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
News4 - Low of 19 tonight, High of 27 tomorrow, 1-3 inches of snow by Thursday night
Fox31 - Low of I don't know - he didn't say, High of 25 tomorrow, 2-4 inches of snow by Thursday night
Channel 2 - Low of 15 tonight, High of 24 tomorrow, 2 1/2 to 4 1/2 inches of snow by Thursday night

Hits & Misses - Part 1

2008-12-03T10:00:00.007-07:00

After almost a week of no Sabine, I made it a point last night to watch Mrs. Red Umbrella in action and can report the following: She was spot on with regard to what time the winds would kick up as the polar air mass moved through the Denver metro area. At 11:00PM Tuesday night, high winds ushered in noticeably frigid air and low, wispy, fast-moving clouds. I smoked a cigarette as I watched it all go down and nodded my head in an approving manner, for I was duly impressed with the Sabinenomics unfolding before me. But Kathleen also said, and I paraphrase, "There will be snow on your way into work and on your way home." She was definite about this snow and at first I thought, "Wow, good work giving yourself such a large window." People generally go to work anytime between 6:00 and 10:00AM and come home between 3:00PM and 7:00PM. Any hint of snow during those periods and Kathy could kick back with a relaxing glass of Pinot and revel in the self satisfaction of being correct on her snow forecast. Well, get the corkscrew out because, according to my sources, one sixteenth of an inch of snow fell at some point this morning. Well done, Kath! You fucking nailed it! I will monitor the afternoon precipitation from my personal weather center high above the streets in the heart of the city and report back on the accuracy of Mrs. Sabine's second drive-time forecast. Until then . . . I bid you goodbye and hope your Wednesday kicks ass. Stay warm, won't you?

Snow Far Away From Me

2008-12-02T17:33:00.003-07:00

I tried to get a screen shot or some other proof, but you're just going to have to trust me when I tell you that this is what kwgn.com has up on their website as of 5:38PM MST on Tuesday, Dec. 2. Granted, they also have a video with Angie Austin talking about a trace of snow tonight and very cold temperatures tomorrow, but, for whatever reason, they've left this forecast box up as well. This is why I leave Channel 2 out of most of my weather prediction blog entries . . . they are the weather team that rides the short bus. Or I guess, in more appropriate terms, they are the weather team with the small doppler radar.

By the way, what happened to Angie Austin? I used to positively lust after her in the mornings before work a few years ago what with her playful demeanor and propensity to wear shirts that accented/revealed her impressive bosom. Now she looks like she's auditioning to become a grandmother. I think she was married recently. Maybe she's just letting herself go. That's cool. But it's also sad. Another one bites the dust. You're next, Sabine.

Anyway, all the other stations are predicting between a trace and two inches here in the metro Denver area with more to our north and west. It's also going to be balls cold for a couple of days, so plan accordingly.

And my apologies for missing all the fun over the weekend. I'm sure there was a ton of excitement and panic from folks like Mike Nelson and I'm sorry I missed it. I did manage to drive through the mountains yesterday, however, and can confirm the existence of multiple feet of snow in certain locations.

That's all for now . . . enjoy your inch of snow and high winds tonight.

An Open Letter to Stephanie Abrams of the Weather Channel

2008-11-23T23:28:00.001-07:00

Dear Stephanie,

Hey (winks), how are you? I trust well. You're looking good and you're forecasting like a savant, so I'm guessing things are going pretty decent. I'm so, so proud of the good work you've been doing on Abrams & Bettes(TM) . . . and the fact that your show has survived for so long when most Weather Channel series fail quickly is truly an indication of just how brightly your star is shining. Sure, Bettes is pretty cool, but c'mon. It's you the people are tuning in for, Steph (can I call you Steph?). There are many reasons why we the viewers love you . . . you're humble proclamation that you are just a weather nerd at heart; your inability to control the volume of your voice; the rumors that you were a renowned partier while attending the University of Florida; your unusually large mouth; your wonky eye and of course, your world class mams.

Sweet baby Christ you are a good looking gal, Steph. What hurricane was this? I'm pretty sure it was 2005 and I want to say said hurricane had an "I" name, but I just can't remember. Hell, I'm not sure I even knew then. Watching you work in that form-fitting grey t-shirt was mesmerizing to the point of complete debilitation. This is the day I fell in love. There you were taking stock of the destruction on the ground, and there I was, sitting bolt upright taking stock of my rising barometric pressure (winks twice). I had never felt so strongly about someone I had seen on TV, Steph, and this includes Kelly Bundy and any number of women from the Emanuelle series on Showtime.

I'm just going to come out and say it . . . we should begin a romantic relationship. I'm serious. You're probably saying, "But I'm engaged (or maybe married) and you're not at all handsome. You're also neither rich or talented and you live nowhere near me." While this all may be true, I am willing to change. I will do whatever you instruct me to do - be that what to eat, how to drive, when to shit, etc. I will be your slave . . . both literally and sexually. You can mold me into whatever kind of man you see fit and I will offer nary a complaint. Plus, I'm very interested in weather, so we can talk about that too.

You don't have to make up your mind now. Just mull the idea over for a little while, OK? I'll be in touch via this terrible blog.

And one more thing . . . could you lay off the suits? They're not "you" and they're doing the rest of us no favors. God gave you this body for a reason, and you are hiding it. I doubt that makes Him happy. You probably don't want to anger God, as many folks believe he directly influences your job. I don't believe that. I believe you can outforecast God. No matter what He/She/It throws at you, you will see it coming and warn us pleebs and we shall give You praise. But not if you keep wearing suits. Seriously.

And remember, I believe in you.

Anyway, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you soon. And when I say talk, I mean a one-sided conversation with you through the television.

Stay Hot, Be Warm and Keep Your Cool,
Flip

Climatologist Klaus Wolter Says . . .

2008-11-20T17:32:00.007-07:00

Colorado's mountains could get normal or even above-normal snow this winter.

Wolter believes Colorado is headed toward a La Nina winter, which tilts the odds toward more snow. The downside is La Ninas—long-term wind patterns tied to cooler Pacific temperatures—usually also bring a dry fall and spring.

Wolter says he's "guardedly optimistic" that winter snowfall will make up for the lack of moisture so far and raise the snowpack to about normal by the end of the winter.

As of Wednesday, the statewide snowpack is 49 percent of the 30-year average for this time of year.

Wolter works at the National Atmospheric and Oceanic Administration in Boulder.

This is what Klaus looks like. I like his shirt - it reminds me of the Aztecs for some reason. But oh no . . . what's this? It seems as though Klaus has a detractor. But who? Almanac.com . . . that's fucking who:

Includes predictions for all or portions of Arizona (Flagstaff, Kayenta, Page, Tuba City, Winslow), California (Cedarville, Davis Creek, Eagleville, Fort Bidwell, Lake City), Colorado (Aurora, Colorado Springs, Denver, Fort Collins, Lakewood), Idaho (Boise, Idaho Falls, Meridian, Nampa, Pocatello), Montana (Bozeman, Butte, Helena, Kalispell, Missoula), Nevada (Carson City, Elko, Reno, Sparks, Sun Valley), New Mexico (Angel Fire, Chama, Dulce, Questa, Springer), Oregon (Hermiston, La Grande, Ontario, Pendleton, The Dalles), Utah (Ogden, Orem, Provo, Salt Lake City, West Valley City), Washington (Kennewick, Pasco, Richland, Spokane, Yakima), Wyoming (Casper, Evanston, Green River, Laramie, Rock Springs).

Winter will be much colder and drier than normal, on average, with snowfall above normal in the north and below normal in the south. The coldest temperatures will occur in late December; early, mid-, and late January; and early February. The snowiest periods will be in mid-November, early and mid-December, mid- and late January, and late February.

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Who will win the battle of long range forecasts? Stay tuned to FKS to find out. I'm putting my money on Klaus. The Germans are precise.

Bringing the Record Heat!

2008-11-18T15:06:00.006-07:00

I hope you enjoyed the record heat today, Denver. Nick Carter over at 9News says we hit 77 out at the airport, which indeed sets a record for November 18. He also says it's damn near 80 downtown in the early afternoon. In other words, it's hotter than Dan Caplis and Amy Sporer fornicating (definitely missionary) in a down sleeping bag . . . at least for this time of year. Appreciate it, fine citizens, because, as you can plainly see, the rollercoaster only goes down from here . . . and terrifying weather is afoot.

* HT to holytaco.com for one of the most tremendous photos I've ever seen.

First Measurable

2008-11-14T09:55:00.007-07:00

It pains me to say it, but kudos to you, 9News Weather Team(TM) for your gutsy and bold prediction that the early hours of Friday, November 14, 2008 would be the time Denver sees its first measurable snowfall of aught eight. You went out on a limb. The chance of snow was only 30 percent, but you said there would at least be a tenth of an inch of cold, sweet Colorado powder on the ground and you were right. Savor the moment. Drink a little champagne. Your competitors don't have the balls that you do. Sure, that geek Dunn over at Fox was watching a band of snow showers but said there would be no accumulation. Same goes for Hidalgo (who, according to her bio, once ran a marathon in Sweden, which seems moderately random with a chance of "why Sweden?"), who was very cautious yesterday in predicting any snow. But not you, 9News. Your hope and borderline desperation for that first snowfall was creepy, but can now be set aside. Until we go three more weeks without any snow . . . then your manic behavior will once again rear its ugly head. I can't wait.

Not Even a Trace

2008-11-10T15:54:00.013-07:00

I've been out of the loop for the past few days as my thirst for adventure and different weather took me to central Illinois, somewhere along the mighty Illinois River. It was there that I attempted to age 3 years in 48 hours by abusing fried foods, alcohol and tobacco. A little duck hunting was also in order and I am proud to say that it was a success . . . and that frying duck breast in bacon grease before consuming it is incredibly wise and highly rewarding.

Coniglio announced last night that Nov. 21 is the latest Denver has ever gone without receiving measurable snowfall and that if we did not get it tonight (Monday, Nov. 10), we would break that record because there is no snow forecast for the rest of the week. Make of that what you will.

All of the afternoon forecasters (at the four major stations) are keeping expectations down, which I applaud. Lisa Hidalgo over at 7News says we might get a trace of snow and is joined in that assessment by the rest of them. By the way, is she pregnant? How come they (meteorologists) never announce whether or not they're pregnant on the air? They should warn you, Joe the Viewer, that there are going to be some natural changes happening over the coming months. It's not fair to make us guess. You'd think they'd want us to know. I'd be dropping hints left and right during that grey period (first trimester, early second trimester) where you can't quite tell that a woman is pregnant yet know that they are getting bigger but are terrified to say anything. One of the cruelest life lessons any man or woman can learn is throwing out a "congratulations" to someone who looks pregnant but is not. The hurt in that woman's eyes when she replies "congratulations on what?" while quickly realizing what you are inferring is something you can never unsee. It happened to me once and it will never happen again. Well, I guess it will never happen again in person. Online it might because I just made the assumption about Ms. Hidalgo here and, who knows, maybe she does not have a bun in the oven. But she'll never read this. Even if she does, I won't have to see her face. Unless she sends me an angry picture . . . which would be pretty awesome of her.

UPDATE - As of 12:28AM, nary a trace of snow has fallen. Coniglio is surely distraught and drinking heavily. Bourbon probably.

Cold Fronts for the People!

2008-11-05T15:29:00.006-07:00

<--- You see that? Yeah. You like that, don't you? Gets you all hot, doesn't it? I'm talking to you, snowboarders and skiers and sledders and people who enjoy snowball fights. Time to wax up your gear (sexual euphemism not exactly intended, but enjoyed nonetheless) and jam I-70 because the flakes are flying. I am unsure of what was forecast for the mountains last night (or even Denver) as I was too consumed by the election the past several days to care about crappy weather forecasts by lily white meteorologists. I did hear this morning that 6-12 inches may fall in the high country, with 18 big ones up near Rabbit Ears Pass (named after either Steve Javy or Rabbit Ears peak). By the looks of the photo here, I'd say they've received three (3) inches at the tunnel thus far (3:30PM - Nov. 5th). I am very good at eyeballing snow totals by remote camera. It is a trait passed on to me by my grandpa on my mom's side, even though I never knew him. And you'll have to help me out, because snow may or may not have been forecast for Denver last (Nov. 4th) evening. I don't think it happened. I can report that rain fell at a nice pace for about seven (7) minutes starting around 1:36AM. I know this because I was drunk on whiskey and Budweiser and the sudden splatter of raindrops on my windows confused me and forced me outside to investigate. I gave a thumbs up skyward and went to bed.

FUN KATHY SABINE FACT FROM HER BIO ON 9News.com: I began college studying to be a veterinarian. I started work on my first degree in Animal Science at Cal Poly later switching to a major in journalism. My work on my second degree in meteorology began years later at Metropolitan State College in Denver and also at Mississippi State University.

Now, I can't quite decipher if she got one or two meteorology degrees (or if that's even possible/useful). Either she got one from Metro and one from Mississippi State, or she somehow combined studies at those two universities to get one super meteorology degree that she puts to use five days a week. Either way, I would venture to bet that she is one of the few people in the world to study weather at those two schools. Also, good to hear about her veterinarian background. I encourage any of you with sick pets to email her for advice.

Election Day Cloud Seeding?

2008-10-31T16:01:00.004-06:00

I've been laying low for the past week because there isn't shit going on with regard to Colorado weather or the people who foolishly attempt to forecast it. I'm certainly not bitching though - this has to be one of the finest weeks leading up to Halloween in the last 10 years. If you care, highs have been in the mid 70s with lows in the low 40s here in the state's capital (not the fucking airport . . . I'll discuss this temperature of record being recorded at the airport thing very soon, because it drives me absolutely insane). I suppose my only beef with our local meteorologists was the forecast last Sunday (October 26). Each and every one of them claimed that a front to our north would stay there, giving us a reasonably warm day (64 degrees). Wrong. WRONG! I joined 100,000 of my closest neighbors at the Obama rally at Civic Center Park and froze my balls off. I think the actual high topped out at around 54. Not that that's a particularly cold temperature, but at 10:30AM when I arrived to the steps of the capitol, it was probably 45 degrees with some gusty winds. It chilled me to the bone . . . and that hurts.

Speaking of politics (sort of), I've heard from a source in no way related to the McCain/Palin campaign who says, on their way out of various American cities after rallies, they are seeding the clouds from their planes. Their hope, apparently, is to crank up the moisture content in the skies believing heavy rains on Tuesday will knock down voter turnout. Pretty nefarious if you ask me . . . and completely made up. Although no political tactic would shock me at this point.

Last thing on politics . . . if you, good resident of Denver, had MyFoxColorado meteorologist Chris Dunn in your "first one to suggest the weather on election day may be crappy," you go ahead and collect your prize. His "On Target" forecast claims we'll be looking at a high of 60 with the potential for rain. I'll shall monitor this prediction closely.

Anyway, happy Halloween to all. I should've gone as my hero Jim Cantore from The Weather Channel but I wasn't thinking. Next year. For sure.

I heard Sabine's dressing up like a polluted snowflake . . . but I'm sure she'll look adorable.